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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say "no" to my sister?

26 replies

Fizzysister · 12/04/2022 16:49

I've been on a 3 night city break with my relatively new partner and our two children (his DC8 and my DC12), first holiday together with kids. My sister wanted to take her DC8 to the same city for 1 night which happened to be day 2-3 of our stay, their hotel being the other side of the city. She wanted to meet up with us, but as our stay was quite short and this was our first 'family' holiday (and she has form for lacking boundaries) I warned her that we had lots planned and would do our best but couldn't guarantee anything. As it turned out, me and my DC were free that evening for dinner so we met up and had a nice time.

They were meant to leave the next day, but she called and said they were staying an extra day and guess where? In our hotel. I said that was nice, but my spidey sense was tingling. This followed:

Me: we'll be back late tonight, going straight to dinner once we're finished here
DS: that's OK, we have to go back to our hotel to get our things anyway. Let us know when you're back and we'll come to your room.
Me: probably not a good idea as DSC8 gets giddy before bed and we have an early start tomorrow
DS: ... oh... tomorrow then?
Me: sorry, its our last day and we want to pack as much in as poss. Might bump into you though, we're on the 5th floor.
Then a bit of smalltalk and goodbyes etc.

My AIBU is, I suppose, was she cheeky to assume that we'd want to spend more of our time with her and book our hotel? I felt like she was and I had to draw, and stick to a boundary that led to disappointment for my DC and DN.

OP posts:
RightOnTheEdge · 12/04/2022 17:14

No, I don't think YABU OP.
You had already warned her that you might not have time and it was cheeky of her to gatecrash your holiday.

OctopusSay · 12/04/2022 17:38

Do you live close and see her fairly frequently anyway?

If it was my sister, who I don't often get to see because of distance, I'd have gladly amended our plans to fit in an extra day with her.

Leeds2 · 12/04/2022 17:41

I think if it was your first holiday with DP and the DC, your sister should've kept well away. If she absolutely had to visit the same city, I think she should've chosen a different weekend.

bellac11 · 12/04/2022 17:45

She wasnt cheeky and you werent unreasonable, she asked you said no, its fine

grumpygiraffe · 12/04/2022 17:49

I trust this is the last time she finds out anything about your holidays until you’ve got home.

Original poster
Fizzysister · 12/04/2022 20:09

@OctopusSay

Do you live close and see her fairly frequently anyway?

If it was my sister, who I don't often get to see because of distance, I'd have gladly amended our plans to fit in an extra day with her.

Not especially close, but that's why I was happy to spend one evening of our holiday with her and DN. I feel more than that would have been intrusive.
OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzysister · 12/04/2022 20:11

@bellac11

She wasnt cheeky and you werent unreasonable, she asked you said no, its fine
I think if she'd have asked before booking that would've been fine. Booking our hotel and the assumption feel a few steps over a line though.
OP posts:
FlimFlamJimJams · 12/04/2022 20:14

How often do you see your sister, I guess?

If you live local and see her enough, then it's abnormal behaviour on her part.
If she's jumping at a chance to see you as you rarely see each other, it's a different story

superram · 12/04/2022 20:14

She’s batshit crazy!! If you were with only your kids then lovely, gatecrashing your holiday with your new partner-weird!

Ikeptgoing · 12/04/2022 20:15

Yanbu
Your Dsis intruded on your holiday by booking a further night at same hotel as you as she wasn't listening to you. You said No and stuck to the short break you had planned, you'd have resented it otherwise. It's bad form to insert yourself into someone else's holiday with their partner and DCs , especially a new one. She wasn't thinking it through well. You already met up with her. I wouldn't like it if someone intruded on my holiday plans unless I invited them to. I think you were simply clear. Please don't second guess yourself and feel guilty now.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/04/2022 20:18

You shouldn't have met up with her, period. If I was your partner, I wouldn't have been impressed at all.

ManateeFair · 12/04/2022 20:19

YANBU. It was your first trip away with your partner and the kids; it was quite thoughtless of her to want to barge in on your trip at all, yet alone to assume you’d want to spend two whole evenings of a three-night break with her.

AlisonDonut · 12/04/2022 20:25

It was your first holiday together, she needs to back off.

billy1966 · 12/04/2022 20:27

@ManateeFair

YANBU. It was your first trip away with your partner and the kids; it was quite thoughtless of her to want to barge in on your trip at all, yet alone to assume you’d want to spend two whole evenings of a three-night break with her.
This.

I think this is strange and intrusive.

Keep your holiday plans to yourself.

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/04/2022 20:34

You aren’t being unreasonable, but neither is she.

You just have different views of life, you held your boundaries, she will likely ask next time.

I think part of being good at holding boundaries is accepting it might feel a bit uncomfortable for you and others, and being able to live with that.

jampim · 12/04/2022 20:42

YANBU, she was rude/cheeky to impose of your first weekend away.

Peppermint81 · 12/04/2022 20:48

I think it's lovely your sister wanted to spend time with you all. Does she only have one child and on her own?
Maybe she really needs company at the moment and support.
You will have plenty more trips away with your new family.

gavisconismyfriend · 12/04/2022 21:18

Is your sister jealous that you’re in a new relationship? Coming to the same city as you and gatecrashing your holiday seems like strange behaviour!

lemongreentea · 12/04/2022 21:40

Last time you tell her where you are going! Yanbu

Brefugee · 13/04/2022 06:46

You had already warned her that you might not have time and it was cheeky of her to gatecrash your holiday.

Use of "might" could have contributed to it? it is a weak word and leaves the door open for a "yes we can do it"

I think next time, no info to sister before hand and if you do tell her for some reason use strong words like "won't" "can't" and "no"

Loopytiles · 13/04/2022 07:01

Sister was U and you were already much too accommodating IMO!

This would still be the case if you and your DP had been together for decades!

Agree with the PP that wouldn’t share your travel plans with her in future.

Loopytiles · 13/04/2022 07:02

YABU though on the ‘first family holiday’ thing when your relationship is ‘relatively new’ - not a ‘family’ at this point.

Original poster
Fizzysister · 13/04/2022 08:45

@Loopytiles

YABU though on the ‘first family holiday’ thing when your relationship is ‘relatively new’ - not a ‘family’ at this point.
I did say first 'family' holiday. These events are how we move towards that state and the dynamic could be easily upset by outside intrusion.
OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzysister · 13/04/2022 08:48

@Brefugee

You had already warned her that you might not have time and it was cheeky of her to gatecrash your holiday.

Use of "might" could have contributed to it? it is a weak word and leaves the door open for a "yes we can do it"

I think next time, no info to sister before hand and if you do tell her for some reason use strong words like "won't" "can't" and "no"

Yes I see your point here. However the night we did meet up was fine, the warning was to remind her that us spending time with them wasn't a given. I agree she seems to need things spelling out which is a shame because it adds a layer of difficulty to our relationship.
OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzysister · 13/04/2022 08:51

@Luredbyapomegranate

You aren’t being unreasonable, but neither is she.

You just have different views of life, you held your boundaries, she will likely ask next time.

I think part of being good at holding boundaries is accepting it might feel a bit uncomfortable for you and others, and being able to live with that.

Yep, I agree with your last paragraph and this situation will help me get better with that.
OP posts: