Hate physical intimacy

[Bibbidybobbidybooboo]

I've been married to a lovely man for 17 years. He's a kind, hardworking husband, a great dad to our 3 kids. He is nothing but complimentary to me. For our first few years of marriage our sex life was fine. It wasn't really fireworks, but it was loving and comfortable and we were both happy with it and the rest of our marriage. After each child, I've become less and less interested in sex. I love my husband, but I don't really fancy him any more. No particular reason.... He is clean, tidy, smart etc. (I don't fancy anyone else either). He says he still fancies me, and this is where the problem starts. I have put on weight, I am grey, I am tired. I have very little self confidence in my looks. In fact, I hate my body and don't want to think about it at all. I can just about hold hands with husband, but if he puts his hand under my clothes on my stomach or leg, I freeze and my skin crawls. I avoid initiating ANY physical contact as I don't want him to think it's sexual. He feels hurt, frustrated, rejected. I hate myself more.... Bloody hell, sex workers do it for money, I can't even do it for live. What the hell is wrong with me? I feel so bad for him, I feel guilty, he does so much for me and our family, and I just avoid him because he might want to touch me or worse. I have no reason to feel this way, no history of abuse etc. It is a constant black cloud over us every day. The last time we had actual sex was months ago, a d the last time there was anything sexual was a few weeks. I hate it. I dread it. I feel (am) fat and uncomfortable at the slightest touch. And I've spent literally decades trying to loose weight. It's unlikely to happen now.

This is exactly like my marriage, but in reverse. I miss the intimacy with my husband but he can live with out it. I feel very unloved right now but I still love him and respect his choice. I hope things will change for you and him soon.

It sounds to me as if you need to learn to love yourself. I am overweight and far more comfortable with lights out during sex because I cannot imagine how my fat tummy would be attractive, but against all odds my husband loves me regardless and knowing that enables me to enjoy being intimate. Talk to him honestly about how you feel and see if he can reassure you. It is so sad that our current culture makes us women feel like carrying extra weight is so hideous. If you were a Pacific islander or indeed many other cultures, your body shape would be celebrated. An 18 th century artist would have painted a masterpiece of you. You body bears the evidence of having grown and nurtured children. He is not judging you, you are doing that to yourself. Maybe try and deal with that issue first as it is already affecting your relationship greatly.

Can I ask if you are using any hormone related contraception?
After years of being on the pill - using mirena - contraceptive injection etc I ended up having a hysterectomy due to fibroids and really heavy bleeding
Once I recovered I realised how much my libido had been affected by all of the above
I certainly rediscovered how great sex could be

I also found it easier to lose weight too

The issue isn't phycial intimacy, it's that you 'hate' your body. That needs to be addressed first.

Totally agree you don’t hate physical intimacy you hate your body. No ones body stays the same as it was in your 20s. I’m roughly the same weight as I was but I’ve had 4 children I have a few stretch marks I’m saggy the weight moves about. Time takes it’s toll on everyone. I bet your DH thinks the same about his body too.

I have no idea how! I'm 45. I've felt this way, but worsening, for literally decades. My husband has never been anything but complimentary, I've got worse and worse.

I don't think it's just about not loving yourself. I'm 38, DS is 3.5 and my sex drive has never returned. The last time DH and I had sex was over a year ago.

I love DH, love him touching me non sexually but hate when he touches 'erogenous zones' . I don't fancy him or anybody else. I'm not tired from a young child, I don't hate my body. I just don't have any sex drive.

Honestly I quite like it. I dont have to waste time on sex. I don't know if I'll feel sexual again or not but I don't miss it enough to talk to a GP.

I’m sorry that you’re feeling like this OP. I’m a bit younger than you, 32, but since having my daughter I’ve become really uninterested in sex, or really any sort of intimacy at all. And like you, it’s not even about my partner, I also find I can’t muster any sort of feelings of attraction to anyone else either (I used to really like Tom Hardy, for example, and now I feel quite indifferent) I think like a previous poster said, I don’t necessary think the issue is solely down to self esteem. I don’t have any words of advice but just wanted to send a hand hold and let you know that you’re not alone.

This is a problem about YOU, that you're making out to be a problem about him. (I really don't mean that in a harsh way ) You need to work on your self esteem because you're feeling bad about yourself/how you look which is killing the intimacy with your husband, it's actually nothing to do with him. Please try not to hate yourself/your body/etc

Are you taking any contraception? I only ask because when I did I had 0 sex drive, when I came off them I was better.
Only a suggestion could you try sex with him maybe in a blind fold, or hands tied (not in a kinky way, unless you fancy that, just so you start to feel comfortable)
Or maybe the lights off, I feel much more comfortable with the lights off x

It’s not about contraception affecting op’s libido. It’s about how she feels about herself, and it’s easy to say “learn to love yourself” but very difficult to do it. I know because I’ve been there, and I could have written a lot of op’s post.

My late dh told me every day how much he loved me and how beautiful I was. After hearing it constantly for nearly 25 years I still didn’t believe it because I didn’t see what he did. I wish I had some advice for you @Bibbidybobbidybooboo - I don’t because I never got over it :(. Lots of solidarity though.

It might be a contraceptive issue though, and is worth exploring if the OP is taking synthetic hormones. I HATED the idea of sex and intimacy when I was on the pill. Now we use condoms and I love sex again.

Thanks everyone. In answer to the various thoughts....
I'm not on any contraception BUT the last few years my cycle has changed a lot, I guess it's perimenopause.

I know it is my issue, my husband has done nothing wrong.

I would LOVE to love myself. I'm 45. I've had issues since I was about 13, although I coped fairly well until about 10 years ago when I stopped feeling comfortable even in front of my very kind husband. I follow body positive blogs. I've tried clothes shopping for a new wardrobe but I'm 5 foot and a size 20.... It is not easy! I've tried focusing on my good points, but on a bad day I truly believe I'm rubbish at everything. I do not know how to get over this. I would tell other people that confidence matters, that making an effort helps, to listen and believe the compliments from husband, to remember looks are not my worth etc.... then he kisses my neck and I will find any excuse to move away, or he will snuggle up to me in the morning and I leap out of bed like it's on fire. Cue sad husband, tension, etc. I have told him all the above. He doesn't get it at all. He thinks that as he loves me and fancies me, that should be enough. I look in the mirror and can't believe it. Most of the time I just don't think about my body, then I'm fine. I go to work, see friends, do stuff with my kids, and the way I look just doesn't matter. I can have fun and not worry
But being touched draws my attention to it, and I just don't want to go there.

I'm not sure it's solely down to self esteem either... or at least, it seems like there are a few of us that have really lost/diminished interest in sex since having kids but feel okay about our bodies.

I actually really like my body but I have a very, very low libido, and when I'm not feeling in the mood I can't stand it when my husband touches me in a sexual way. I love his hugs, holding his hand etc though. It's a relief to hear that there are others like this.

Yes. This. My self esteem is involved, but I can hug him in public no problem as I know it can't be sexual. If he squeezes my thigh though, or strokes my boob, I feel really ick. I can't stand it!!!

Maybe you've got the ick with him?

Another rone in the same boat, can't muster up the strength to shag my hub either

I am 44 and feel the same. I used to be very body confident, but since PCOS and a truly horrific birth, my libido has been at an all time low and I am carrying a lot of extra weight. Since birth, I could count on one hand the number of times there's been any real physical intimacy. The thought of it horrifies me and my body just freezes. DS is now 10. It's not ideal, but I am so damaged by childbirth - PTSD and physical and mental damage, I just can't allow myself to go there. I feel sad for DH, but he witnessed what I went through and understands how difficult it is. We sleep separately and in some ways it has affected our marriage, but we are still relatively happy. Thankfully, DH never had a very high libido, which I think has helped.

I feel exactly the same and I’m a size 10…
So I don’t think losing weight is the magic bullet
It’s quite a common topic amongst my friends as well
One joked to me recently that she is almost tempted to get pregnant again because it gives her a free pass to turn down all advances for the duration of the pregnancy plus the best part of a year afterwards

@Bibbidybobbidybooboo I can identify so much with what you write and how you feel. You’re describing just how things were with dh and me.

I really feel for you - and your dh. 💐