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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what finally made you 'break up' with a CF?

27 replies

Mincingfuckdragon · 12/04/2022 07:33

I've recently cut almost all contact with an uncle who has form for rudeness.

The final straw was him inviting himself, his partner, his 2 early-30s children and one of their partners to mine for dinner, making a 'suggestion' about what I should cook, turning up 30 minutes early empty-handed then making a snarky comment that I was slow getting his first drink, and finally eating a vast number of the hor d'oeuvres and then telling me repeatedly and pointedly how hungry he was while I was putting the finishing touches on dinner.

Now admittedly, dinner was served a little late at about 8.15pm - but he ate quite a lot before dinner and I think could not possibly have been hungry enough to warrant such rudeness (and I'm quite greedy so by no means a competitive under-eater). Also, my husband was unexpectedly away that weekend so I was hostessing solo for all 5 of them while dealing with my own 2 youngish children - not his fault but given that I host them about twice a year and always cook a 4 course meal, decent wine, nicely set table etc I thought he could have cut me some slack.

He has form and has engaged in CFery in small-ish ways a couple of times a year for about a decade (mostly inviting himself and his partner/children to our place for dinner/celebrations) but I'd always brushed it off because 'he's family'. However, after this last effort I've decided to reduce contact and to no longer host him or his (equally rude or at least oblivious) family members.

I don't think I'm really being unreasonable but I do feel a bit guilty.

Please help assuage my guilt by telling me your tales of what made you finally break up with a CF! I so love a good tale of triumph over cheeky fuckery.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/04/2022 07:37

Does he ever invite you to his?

12yearsinazkaban · 12/04/2022 07:38

f I live cf stories

AllOfUsAreDead · 12/04/2022 07:42

I'd have told him to fuck off to a restaurant if he'd been that rude to me. And then threw the food away so he couldn't scoff it like the pig he is.

Raindancer411 · 12/04/2022 07:45

YRBNU at all!!! If he hints or asks I would say sorry it doesn't work for me... or even say I think it's time you hosted us for a change

Norgie · 12/04/2022 08:00

He wouldn't have even got through my door, let alone had a meal cooked for him.
I don't understand why women put up with it.

Mincingfuckdragon · 12/04/2022 08:09

@Norgie

He wouldn't have even got through my door, let alone had a meal cooked for him.
I don't understand why women put up with it.

Well I'm not any more Grin.

And as to why I put up with it until this most recent event - because he did just enough to make his low-grade CFery OK. For example yes he did invite us to his, he is kind to my children, and he helped me when I was a child in a way that invled sime signifcnt unconvenience to himself for over a week. Plus he's family - so all these things were enough for me to ignore it.

But no more!! Grin

OP posts:
Mincingfuckdragon · 12/04/2022 08:12

involved some significant inconvenience

can't even English today...

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 12/04/2022 08:19

Have you never thought of saying “Sure! We’ll have Indian! You can pick me up a Chicken Ticka Masala and a Garlic Naan, The kids will have a butter chicken between them and a cheese and spinach naan each and a bottle of lemonade please, and bring a few bottles of red on the way. We’re totally out.”

TidyDancer · 12/04/2022 08:37

I walked away from a CF relative a few years ago after repeated awful behaviour, most of which alone would've been enough to make people lose their shit with her.

The straw that broke the camels back was when she tried to rip me off while buying something from me. She accidentally sent me a message meant for someone else discussing it which made it clear she was trying to screw me over. Never spoke to her again after that, very much opened my eyes.

WomanStanleyWoman · 12/04/2022 08:43

I had a friend for many years who expected me to include him in everything I did and plan my time around his needs. Things were always on his terms. It went on for way longer than it should have because we lived in different cities, so it only occurred on visits - had we been living close by, it would have died out years earlier.

Examples:

  1. He tried to invite himself on holiday with me and a group of friends he didn’t even know (thankfully lack of money meant he said he couldn’t come, so I didn’t have to say ‘You weren’t invited anyway’).

  2. On several occasions I’d arranged to meet him when I went back to my home town, only for him to cancel at the last minute because of ‘a touch of flu’ or similar. (It was amazing how often he got ‘flu’ after a heavy drinking session the night before.) He’d then, after leaving me with nothing to do on a Saturday night, try to persuade me to change my Sunday plans so that I could see him then, and get narked when I wouldn’t.

  3. When I tried to get around his no-show pattern by inviting him out in groups so that I wouldn’t be left alone if he didn’t turn up, he didn’t like that either and said he was ‘not up for meeting with a whole crowd - would love to meet up just the two of us’. Why had he never loved the idea enough to not get hopelessly pissed the night before?

  4. Tried to nag me into changing plans in order to meet him when I said the only time I had free was a Saturday afternoon. I was going to a 40th birthday night out in the evening and, as he very vaguely knew the person, I let him believe it was a family party so he wouldn’t push for an invite. Sure enough, he later found out and got all forlorn about how he was ‘really hurt’ at not being invited, despite the fact that it was a small event and he’d met this person twice.

So my final straw moment? He kicked off about not being invited to my school reunion night - despite the fact that we went to different schools. He posted cryptic comments about it on Facebook the next day and, when I didn’t bite, sent a ream of messages saying this was just the latest in a series of snubs, I was treating him like a cunt, so he was going to act like one, I needn’t bother expecting him to be there for me in the future etc…

I finally asked myself why I was holding on to the ‘friendship’. I’d known deep down for years that it was out of nostalgia and, unfortunately, a bit of pity. Like the OP’s uncle, he was capable of being very kind and putting himself out, so I’d forced myself to remember those occasions and give him chance after chance.

Nearly five years on, I’ve never regretted breaking that cycle. Meanwhile he is still begging the last of the mutual friends he hasn’t driven away to play peacemaker. Not if my life depended on it!

Mincingfuckdragon · 12/04/2022 08:48

@Fraaahnces yes! I'm doing something similar from now on. We can meet once a year or so, at a park, and everyone can bring some nibbles and drinks.

OP posts:
Mincingfuckdragon · 12/04/2022 08:52

@TidyDancer I'm sorry that happened to you, that's really shitty.

And woah @WomanStanleyWoman that's awful! Huge bullet dodged there!

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 12/04/2022 09:06

I realised over all the lockdowns that there were many people I saw fairly often who I actually didn't give much of a flying fuck about. The friendships faded and I have found myself 'unavailable ' to attempts to rekindle them. Its very freeing.

Nowomenaroundeh · 12/04/2022 09:09

I'm watching this thread with interest. I'm currently dropping an indisputable CF from my life. I'm finding it really hard.

She is take take take and always has been, for thirty years. So even though i come away from about 85% of interactions feeling taken advantage of it never seems enough to merit calling her out once and for all.

Stath · 12/04/2022 09:11

@TidyDancer surely you can’t post on a thread about CFs without sharing the wedding story!
Wasn’t it you who, years ago, was summoned to help decorate a church for a CF friend but snubbed from the wedding?

TidyDancer · 12/04/2022 09:16

[quote Stath]@TidyDancer surely you can’t post on a thread about CFs without sharing the wedding story!
Wasn’t it you who, years ago, was summoned to help decorate a church for a CF friend but snubbed from the wedding?[/quote]

@Stath ha yes, that was me. I have got better with not being such a pushover in the last few years!

Nowomenaroundeh · 12/04/2022 09:20

Does anyone remember the story of the OP with the lovely garden setup opposite her house; firepit, furniture etc? Her CF asked to use it for a birthday party. OP agreed then it later transpired that CF wasn't inviting OP to the party!

Mariposista · 12/04/2022 09:27

I had a friend who lived at the opposite end of a big city to me. We always had to meet socially in her area, which took me over an hour on 2 different buses and more late at night. I hinted I want a compromise, and we agreed to meet in the centre. I got to the meeting point, waited, waited some more, and when 20 minutes had passed I gave her a call and she said 'I'm literally jut stepping into the shower, something came up. Tell you what, come down to near me and we can have a drink there'. I got the bus home and didn't meet up with her again.

Mincingfuckdragon · 12/04/2022 09:31

@Nowomenaroundeh I found it hard to make the decision (family guilt, feelings of obligation, telling myself it "wasn't that bad") but as @AngelinaFibres said it's so freeing!! You should do it!!

OP posts:
Mincingfuckdragon · 12/04/2022 09:33

@TidyDancer I remember that story! I was so angry on your behalf!

OP posts:
Mincingfuckdragon · 12/04/2022 09:38

Oh @Mariposista that's so bad! It's so inconsiderate and lazy when people won't meet in the middle (all else being equal ofc).

OP posts:
TheMarvelousMrsMaisel · 12/04/2022 09:40

CF complained to me that her "best friend" didn't tell her stuff no more and proceeded to complain at her until she told her something very personal.
CF then told me the personal information about her "best friend"... I looked at her gone out and said "maybe that's why she didn't want to tell you because you're telling everyone her personal business."

It was then I knew she was a CF. I also paid out a lot of money for her never to see it again. Angry

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 12/04/2022 09:45

[quote Stath]@TidyDancer surely you can’t post on a thread about CFs without sharing the wedding story!
Wasn’t it you who, years ago, was summoned to help decorate a church for a CF friend but snubbed from the wedding?[/quote]
I remember that one - it was one of the first threads I ever read on MN, and I was gobsmacked!

Danikm151 · 12/04/2022 10:21

Told my CF friend that I was done 5 years ago now. Never felt more free.

Occasionally I get a pang for the friendship but then I remember it was always me travelling for 2 hours to her, always me lending her money, always me looking after her child whilst she was on the phone to her latest fella. She was take take take.

cleanasawhistle · 12/04/2022 11:28

I had a friend /neighbour who I would help out.
When I was going through cancer treatment I got no offers of help.
Never offered to have my kid round to play at her house...they were always here.
I went out with another neighbour one day with our kids.
CF heard about it ,phoned me and said her daughter would have loved to have done that activity and she couldnt believe I left the street without checking if her child wanted to go.

That and many other things made me ditch her.

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