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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a problem with this?

14 replies

User154871 · 12/04/2022 06:58

Hi we are currently having a really bad time with our baby, whose having a sleep regression.

My DH helps in the night but we keep having a disagreement and I can't see a way to handle it (probably because I'm also exhausted). I don't know whether I'm just being a bit PFB or if it's a genuine worry.

He will try to put the baby back in his chicco cot twice but then if that fails, he will sit in bed with him in his arms. I've told him previously that it is unsafe to fall asleep in that position but he thinks I'm being silly and that it has been fine previously.

I've just woken up and the baby is in his sleep sack, in his arms, on top of a dressing gown and he is boiling hot. He was parallel across his body so he wasn't lying flat.

I want to explain to my DH but I don't know whether I'm just being PFB and also if he's done this before, he may not listen and do it again. I feel like I'm choosing between sleep and safety which is really horrible as I should be able to trust him!

Any advice on whether I'm overreacting or how to explain it to him so it sinks in if it's a genuine problem would be much appreciated...

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 12/04/2022 07:02

I don't think that's safe if he's also gone to sleep. They need to be flat with no blankets.

Could you set up a mattress on floor of baby's room and take turns when he wakes up to go in there with him.

It's difficult as DH probably thinks he's helping as he's sorting problem out & you're able to sleep.

blueluce85 · 12/04/2022 07:05

That's how I slept with my baby and she is fine now...but it is definitely riskier. I just did what I had to at the time. If you can relieve him to do it your way, then why not, but if you expect his sleep to suffer to do it your way then I don't think that is fair

Overthebow · 12/04/2022 07:06

I’d have a problem with this too, it’s not safe to fall asleep with baby in your arms. You need to get it through to him. As hard as it is I wouldn’t let him have baby at night until he promises not to do it. No sleep is the better alternative.

Fritilleries · 12/04/2022 07:07

Is he happy to accidentally drop or smother his child? You'd be better off bed sharing on a flat mattress and a thin blanket.

blablablau · 12/04/2022 07:09

How old is the baby?

It's just not safe though. If it's an infant under 1. You can't risk it. It happened to me a few times that I fell asleep while I was lying down with the baby on my chest, but I always awoke in horror and thankful that h didn't roll over and squash the baby or that she didn't fall on the floor or something. I absolutely do not think this is safe at all. The baby needs to be on a flat surface, in just the sleeping bag. That's it.

Newhorizon21 · 12/04/2022 07:11

@Fritilleries

Is he happy to accidentally drop or smother his child? You'd be better off bed sharing on a flat mattress and a thin blanket.
It's unsafe, there are other options

www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/caring-for-a-newborn/reduce-the-risk-of-sudden-infant-death-syndrome/

Hugasauras · 12/04/2022 07:15

Options:

Set the bed up for safe co-sleeping and make sure he knows how to do that
You do overnight between say midnight and 6am and he does evenings and gets up early (are you on mat leave still and does he work?)

Sometimes I think it's about playing to your strengths. I do better with broken chunks of sleep than DH but I need way more sleep overall. So he can do 5/6 hours in a chunk and be fine, but I need about 8/9 to be happy! So we found something that worked for us that was him taking baby v early in the morning so I could sleep, and also him doing evenings when it was bad and I would have an early night. Would something like that work better?

If he can't stay awake then it's not safe for him to be doing overnight, but that just means you have to find another pattern that is safe and works.

Justleaveitblankthen · 12/04/2022 07:30

What's a 'Chicco cot? Is it different to other cots? (I realise it's a brand name) Smile

Overthebow · 12/04/2022 07:39

@Justleaveitblankthen

What's a 'Chicco cot? Is it different to other cots? (I realise it's a brand name) Smile
It’s a next to me type cot, for babies up to 6 months, so ops baby must be quite young.
Fritilleries · 12/04/2022 08:02

I breastfed through the night so it was normal, and safe. Bed was set up for co sleeping. It wasn't a case of just bundling the baby under a duvet!

Menora · 12/04/2022 08:08

I used to hate waking up and realising I had fallen asleep with them like this scared the life out of me. He could drop the baby off the bed. He really needs to stop doing it. I would look into safe sleeping methods

12yearsinazkaban · 12/04/2022 08:56

on my life I will say I tried to 'sleep safely' like you with my first.
My baby almost suffocated 3 times due to my exhaustion. DH rolled on him in bed after trying to comfort him and falling asleep, I did the same and once in the middle of a feed mid day I fell asleep on the sofa and baby was face down stuck in the crack of the sofa.
We also dropped him out of bed at least 5 or 6 times after holding him rocking, putting back in his cot, him waking up and so on until we fell asleep sitting up holding him and dropping him.
no underlay, thin carpet. so dangerous and so much more dangerous than popping him on the bed on his back with me sleeping next to him.
I Co slept with baby number 2 and I never fell asleep once, it was safe as she lay on the bed with no blankets, on her back and me next to her but my head was level with her chest, so if I rolled onto her it'd be legs, iykwim? I can't believe my eldest survived. I absolutely was not fit to look after him and he would only sleep touching me.
Also babies regulate their temp via their mother's bodies, a baby is supposed to be with their mum. What's not safe is the duvet, bouncy mattress, loose sheets. Of you need to lay on the floor and get some sleep in. Sleep deprivation seriously knocks your ability to care for baby. Don't do what I did, follow the 'rules' to the point of making baby in a less safe environment without a reliable carer

Perfect28 · 12/04/2022 08:58

Yeah this is bullshit. Would he drive with the baby not strapped in? No. He shouldn't be taking these risks. Can you both look at safe bedsharing?

Ponoka7 · 12/04/2022 10:26

Just Google 'baby died after unsafe sleeping ' and loads of cases get brought up. There was one recently in the UK.
<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/uk-news/baby-dies-suddenly-after-dad-23527744.amp&ved=2ahUKEwiuxoqjmo73AhV1mVwKHaK0BFkQFnoECAQQAQ&usg=AOvVaw34tBQQZ_aTNQWQnELSI6P7" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/uk-news/baby-dies-suddenly-after-dad-23527744.amp&ved=2ahUKEwiuxoqjmo73AhV1mVwKHaK0BFkQFnoECAQQAQ&usg=AOvVaw34tBQQZ_aTNQWQnELSI6P7

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