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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband having issue with inviting brother to event

24 replies

FluffyLamkins · 11/04/2022 21:54

I’m a big fan of Garth Brooks and he’s playing in Dublin in September. My husband not such a fan but happy to join me. My brother also likes Garth - used to fancy himself as a bit of a cowboy with the boots and hat in his 20s.

I booked tickets for DH and I. Told my brother we were going and he replied (at midnight asking me if he and his wife could join too if that’s ok). I thought that would be fun and said they could come along too. To be honest I didn’t ask them in the first place because I knew DH would prefer if we went alone. But for too long I’ve curtailed my decisions because of him and for this next phase in life I’m going to sail my own vessel (Garth reference…)

DH was hacked off with that, says lack of respect to not include him in deciding. He thought we were going for a romantic get away but my view on the purpose of going was to see Garth. There is time for a bit of sightseeing and shopping too and I did think we’d do some of that ourselves anyway.

DH has gone hairy tonight about it “so pissed off” and now says he’s not going.

AIBU to ask my brother and SIL to join us and expect DH to support that decision?

OP posts:

fruitbrewhaha · 11/04/2022 22:00

Why doesn't DH like DB? Is there some back story?

Of course you can invite him and his wife to join you, you don't have to spend the whole weekend together. Whilst at the gig is not like you talk to each other anyway and if you are staying in a hotel you don't need to be at the same place.

Original poster

FluffyLamkins · 11/04/2022 22:04

I don’t think it’s necessarily to do with the fact it’s my brother. It’s that I invited someone else at all. DH thought it was a romantic getaway just us, whereas for me it was about going to the concert.

OP posts:

MartinMartinMarti · 11/04/2022 22:07

I’d be irritated if my BIL was coming on what I thought was a romantic break.

But it sounds like there’s a backstory so reserving judgement.

Original poster

FluffyLamkins · 11/04/2022 22:12

For me it was not a romantic break, it was a concert trip. I guess I feel like I accommodate DHs wishes to go for weekends away with his friends and don’t make a fuss or strop when he’s arranging those. Is it that unreasonable for the one trip I arrange to decide to ok my brother joining in?

OP posts:

Whatsmyname100 · 11/04/2022 22:12

Regardless what each of you thought was the purpose of the trip, it's common courtesy to let your partner know if you are inviting other people along on a trip. I would be really pissed off if my dh made arrangements like this and told me after the fact. You may be wanting to take a stand against your dh, but I think in this instance you were wrong.

Juniper68 · 11/04/2022 22:15

If dh doesn't go I will 😉🤣 Used to like him years ago. I didn't realise he was still going?

I hope dh thaws.

Womencanlift · 11/04/2022 22:25

It can be both a romantic trip AND a concert trip and most couples would treat a weekend away from as a chance to have some couple time.

You have changed that dynamic without consulting your partner. So I’m with your DH here and think you are being unreasonable

fruitbrewhaha · 11/04/2022 22:27

Well going to a gig isn't romantic is it? You stand next to each other looking at something else and are not able to talk. Your brother is a fan so would probably get tickets anyway, I can't see what the issue is. You don't have to spend the weekend with DB and SIL, just that evening. I don't ee why DH gets to dictate what you do, you are capable and allowed to organise a night out with your brother without having to ask for permission.

Monty27 · 11/04/2022 22:32

I'm with your DH. Unless you get loads of romantic breaks together in that case I would be with you and enjoy a fun break with DB and his partner.

Quartz2208 · 11/04/2022 22:38

I take it he often makes unilateral decisions without consulting you or expects you to follow his decisions and this is something that you want to do and you want your brother there.

Chloemol · 11/04/2022 22:42

If you accommodate his weekends away with friends, and they are not ‘romantic’ ones I fail to see why your dh can’t put up with your family, it’s not like you would be joined at the hip

Obviously you both had different ideas about this weekends but let him stew, if he doesn’t want to come go without him

Kite22 · 11/04/2022 22:43

Yes, YABU.

You have said yourself, in your opening post To be honest I didn’t ask them in the first place because I knew DH would prefer if we went alone.

So, you knew your dh wanted to go for the weekend with just the two of you.
Even without that, I think if you change the 'vibe' or dynamic of any social arrangement, you should check with the person you have made the original arrangement with before inviting anyone else. That is the same for all the threads where group of friends are meeting and one brings their partner, or when you are meeting friend for lunch then friend wants to bring dc, and all the other times anyone wants to change the dynamic. If one thing has been arranged, then both parties in that arrangement need to be happy if what has been arranged is going to change.

That's not to say it would have BU in the first place to say "Why don't we book this with the 4 of us?". It isn't the fact it is 4 people going and not 2, it is about the fact you have changed what was agreed that is U

Fupoffyagrasshole · 11/04/2022 22:46

Gawd why do people have to be so joined at the hip - this would drive me mad. I’d be inclined to tell my husband to not come and invite a friend instead tbh
It’s such a non issue that another couple are coming to a fun weekend

worriedatthistime · 11/04/2022 22:49

Even of my dh was a bit miffed that someone else was coming along he's not a child so wouldn't then throw his toys out the pram and refuse to go , but then generally we have the mantra of more the merrier
If we had planned a couples only weekend away we would of made that clear from the start

TokenGinger · 11/04/2022 22:50

I don't think YABU. You didn't invite your brother. You were discussing a concert and your brother asked if he could go, too. That's not you inviting him. To be honest, you can hardly say no to your brother anyway - he's free to book tickets to whatever he wishes.

Your DH is BU. If he wants a romantic getaway that much, I'm sure you can say to your brother you're looking forward to the concert together but that you'll be spending the rest of the trip having quality time with DH so may not see much of DB.

worriedatthistime · 11/04/2022 22:51

@Fupoffyagrasshole it seems very much a thing on mumsnet

Iamnotin · 11/04/2022 22:52

Sounds a bit like you feel your husband can organise trip for you both with his friends, and you're supposed to suck it up, but you're not supposed to do the same. So maybe you thought 'sod him, i'm doing the same', which i totally get.

If he wants to sulk and stay home that doesn't seem the very worst thing in the world. You could take a friend with his ticket.

But maybe for the next trip you both agree if you want it to be just the two of you in advance, if that's what you want, you may find you enjot yourself more without him. Then you won't feel like you're the one who always has to compromise.

TokenGinger · 11/04/2022 22:53

@Kite22

Yes, YABU.

You have said yourself, in your opening post To be honest I didn’t ask them in the first place because I knew DH would prefer if we went alone.

But she didn't ask him? The sentence you've highlighted is her explaining why she hadn't invited DB. DB has invited himself. She can hardly tell a grown man that no he cannot book tickets to the same event she has because her DH wouldn't like it. He's free to buy a ticket to whatever he likes.

Kite22 · 11/04/2022 22:59

Of course the DB can, but the OP could have said "Sorry bro, we've sort of planned this as a romantic weekend away for the two of us. I mean, obviously you can go to the concert if you want, but not as a group with us"
or
to her dh "I know you had this as a sort of romantic weekend away, but db wants to come to the concert, which I think would be rather nice, so can we make this a weekend with them and do a romantic break for just the two of us {insert suitable month}".
Neither going with the DB and his wife, or saying no to them is wrong, what is wrong is changing the vibe of what has been booked without checking with the other person.

FinallyHere · 11/04/2022 23:03

for the one trip I arrange to decide to ok my brother joining in?

I'm afraid that I do think that it is unreasonable to invite someone without checking with the original person. I wouldn't expect them to object and would be surprised if they did object.

If they did object, I'd be sorry but I would feel that the original plan deserved to stand. I'm not impressed if I make an arrangement with friends who then go on to invite others without mentioning upfront that they plan to do so.

I like to know what the arrangements are when I originally agree I'd say common courtesy to check before inviting anyone else.

worriedatthistime · 12/04/2022 14:18

Some very controlling people on here

worriedatthistime · 12/04/2022 14:19

@Kite22 except the OP hadn't planned it as some sort of romantic trip ,

Chickychoccyegg · 12/04/2022 14:41

I think it's fine, he knows it wasn't a romantic trip away, it was a weekend away to go to a concert, and your db asked to come, I would've said yes too.
Also you mention weekend trips with dhs friends, so of course it's fine for you do the same

Kite22 · 12/04/2022 17:20

@worriedatthistimeorried

It wasn't OP's original thinking, but she was aware that her dh had used the fact they were going to the concert, to make it into a romantic weekend away, as she says H thought it was a romantic getaway just us,

So, out of courtesy to him, then discuss the change.

Flip