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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed about my partner and Easter.

20 replies

TheUndoingProject · 11/04/2022 21:25

My partner and I are due to be visiting my widowed mother for Easter. I discussed it with him and we agreed we’d drive up after work on Wednesday and come back a week later. It’s a long drive (5+ hrs). He raised no issues at the time and was happy to come, and I told my mum of our plans accordingly. He hasn’t seen my family since Christmas.

First of all he had a work commitment he’d forgotten about (which had been in the diary for some time, he just hadn’t checked properly). So we changed plans to going up on Thursday - fine these things happen.

Now he’s announced that actually he’s rather drive back down on Easter Monday, cutting our trip further short and again messing my mum around, without any particular reason other than work is busy. He works from home and can do so perfectly well at my mum’s (totally private space, good WiFi etc etc.)

AIBU to be increasingly pissed off? He’s recently suffered a family bereavement so I’m trying v hard to be supportive. However we spend an enormous amount of time with his family (most weekends recently) and I feel like he never reciprocates the effort. We live 20 mins away from his family and I feel like I made all the sacrifices of moving away, and he does the absolute bare minimum to step up with my mum.

He committed to spending Christmas with my side of the family and then when push came to shove backed out at the last minute and left on Christmas Eve. It feels like he always talks a good game about spending time with my mum but backs out and messes me around at the last minute. Are my expectations just too high?

OP posts:

PizzaPalaver · 11/04/2022 21:38

YANBU just go by yourself

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 11/04/2022 21:55

Go on your own and stay as long as you want.

Chloemol · 11/04/2022 21:55

Just go by yourself, and let him go to his family events by himself

Azerothi · 11/04/2022 21:59

Maybe your boyfriend just doesn't want to spend that long with your mum. How long have you been seeing this current boyfriend? If he doesn't want to spend time with your mum and you, why didn't he just say? Can you go and spend a week away from him with your mum alone?

TheMarvelousMrsMaisel · 11/04/2022 22:04

Just go by yourself. You don't need him there for you?

My mum lives 5 hours + away I usually just go myself with DC.

Original poster

TheUndoingProject · 11/04/2022 22:05

I could go by myself, but I’d have made very different plans for just my mother and I. I’ve happily seen my mum twice since Christmas without him.

But if he didn’t want to come I’m annoyed that he couldn’t just use his words and tell me that. Rather than agreeing and slowly trying to back out at the last minute and messing me around. If I stay longer without him now then I’ll have to book an expensive last minute train ticket etc.

We’ve been together for years, and are committed. I enjoy spending time with his family, and suppose I find it disappointing that he doesn’t feel the same. He gives every appearance of liking my mum a great deal.

OP posts:

TheMadGardener · 11/04/2022 22:08

Tell him you are going for a week, that you are taking the car and that he can decide if he is coming or not.

Be clear with him. "I feel like we see your family all the time but I have very little chance to spend time with my mum. I feel that you're not prepared to make the effort to spend time with my family which I do with yours. What do you think about this?" Make it clear that you don't think he's given you a good enough reason to cut short time with your mum when it's such a long journey.

NameGoesHere · 11/04/2022 22:09

Sounds like he’s committed on his own terms only.

TheMadGardener · 11/04/2022 22:09

Do you drive? If he wants to leave early he can be the one buying an expensive train ticket while you keep the car.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 11/04/2022 22:15

@TheMadGardener

Tell him you are going for a week, that you are taking the car and that he can decide if he is coming or not.

Something like this, and he's changed plans so unless you can't drive he can pay for an expensive train ticket and do without the car till you feel like coming back.

Linguini · 11/04/2022 22:19

It's like he's telling you he doesn't like your mum without telling you.

I get why you're upset.

Underfrighter · 11/04/2022 22:26

Surely he can work from home there. He doesnt have to spend so much time with your mum but you can travel together? Spending that much time with anyone elses family even when you like them, is a bit much. But he should tell you, or not expect you to do the same for his family.

Have you sat down and had a proper talk about how he always does this?

Dancer47 · 11/04/2022 22:32

Honestly I would make your own plans to keep in touch with your mother in the future, and let him do the same with his family. That way, you don't have to worry about whether he will let you down or whether he feels it's a drag having to spend a week, or whatever, with your mother. You and your Mum can do your own thing - you don't need him to be tied to you everywhere you go.

AngelinaFibres · 11/04/2022 22:35

The older I get the less time I want to spend staying in other people's houses or having visitors. Two days is my absolute maximum in someone's house. Its difficult because you both live much nearer to his family so seeing them is so much easier. He should make more effort or maybe you need to make less effort to see his family. If you want to stay at your mums for a week you can but he is also allowed to say he doesn't want to. My husband's family are great but I wouldn't want to stay in their homes for a week.Would he be more keen if you stayed in a cottage/hotel nearby.

lisaandalan · 11/04/2022 22:35

Go without him. Time with your mum is precious. X

lisaandalan · 11/04/2022 22:37

Make him pay for the expensive ticket and a bit of extra money for the inconvenience. X

Blossomtoes · 11/04/2022 22:39

@TheMadGardener

Do you drive? If he wants to leave early he can be the one buying an expensive train ticket while you keep the car.

You read my mind.

MichelleScarn · 11/04/2022 22:40

When you see his family is it just for a few hours at a time or for over nights? I couldn't stay anywhere with family for a whole week! Thurs to Monday is still a good 5 days!

Herejustforthisone · 11/04/2022 22:42

What he did at Christmas sounds unbelievably selfish.

TokenGinger · 11/04/2022 22:56

I understand your annoyance but seeing his family regularly and going back to the comfort of your own home in the evening is different to spending a week in somebody else's house. Maybe he just didn't want to hurt your feelings by saying that, but as the time has drawn closer he's realised he doesn't want to do it and is trying to reduce it.

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