Help please ! Husband does nothing at home ;( Feel like I will break down!

[Tipsyme12]

It’s a long one but please bear with as I really need help, I feel so so overwhelmed. I have had enough and physically and mentally can’t take much more of this.

We both work full time jobs. We have 2 children (7 and 12).

I do everything: get kids ready for school/ makes lunches for everyone( including him)/ cook dinner/ all cleaning/ sort out all bills etc, sort out car MOT, go to parents evenings, take kids to most clubs, do the weekly food shop,

On top of all this it is my responsibility to sort all the above out so for example if there is no bread it’s like ‘the bread has finished, how come you didn’t get any ?’

What he does- will make breakfast and feed the kids on the weekends.

My problem is this - he is so loving and caring and an amazing father. He is my best friend. He will take the kids so I can have a lie in on Sunday, he is concerned when I am unwell. He encourages me to go out with friends/ walk etc. Genuinely happy for me when I do well. Always tells me he loves me everyday and is very affectionate.

I know I haven’t helped the situation and have enabled this behaviour for the last 9 years. He is from abroad so I have naturally taken charge of everything.

And if I ASK him to help out he will. But I don’t want to keep asking ?!?!

I spoke to him yesterday and we agreed I would make a schedule of some sort but I have no idea where to start :(

Can someone please help me ? I feel like I am on the edge of a nervous breakdown ;(

How do I fix this situation before I really start resenting him?

Or AIBU?

I’m in the same position! DH washes up after dinner & does the bins. He might occasionally put DD’s clothes in the wash. But that’s it. I do all cooking, kitchen cleaning, hoovering and mopping, cleaning the bathrooms and toilets, changing bedding, all other laundry, putting away, food shops…

If I ask him to take DD for a few hours he does so without hesitation and he’s good at getting up with her (although I usually follow for breakfast). But I do the bedtime routine if he gets up with her, which is much longer.

No matter how much I nag, or refuse to do things, he just doesn’t ‘get’ it - or doesn’t want to. It’s beyond frustrating, so I sympathise!

Make a list of everything you do over the next week or so. Then split it equally time-wise.

Stop making his lunch. Put a shopping list on the fridge you can all add to. If you run out of an essential, whoever goes to any shop next should pick it up.

Get the kids doing chores too. They're old enough.

Use the organised mum method for cleaning. Divide the jobs between you all. (My 7 year old Hoover's)
Make a meal plan and ask him to cook 2 nights and do the food shop week about. ( We have a month's worth of meals and means anyone can look and see what needs bought for that week or what is for tea that night and start cooking it)
Give home responsibility for one of the children's activities every week. He is in charge of it all, makes Ng sure their kit is ready, that they get there on time, that is paid for.
And lastly be prepared for him to mess it up at the start but don't save him let him find his way.

Start off with listing everything you do in the mornings, evenings and weekends.
Then go through the list together and see how you can split it.
Get the children involved too so they start helping out.
Stick the list on the fridge and your dcs list in their rooms.
Then instead of checking if they’ve done certain things, you just ask if they’ve done everything on their list.

Well I'd start by pointing out to him that men whose wives are housewives take on ALL financial responsibility...he has a dam cheek expecting you to work AND live like a housewife.

I think the issue with ‘make a rota, ask him to stick to it’ is that it all goes swimmingly for a week or two, then it slowly slides back to how it was. And because for us each week isn’t identical - ie, we don’t have free time slots on the same day each week to do these things - it’s more of a case of do it as you go along. Which means I inevitably fall back into doing it all.

DH is a hopeless cook. Food is always burned or undercooked, he has zero skill in putting a meal together using ingredients already in the kitchen that are already there. Last time he ‘cooked’ we ate a chicken kiev and pile of baked beans each (like the plate was swimming in them). So I would have to sit down at the end of the day to a crap meal, which would be quite soul destroying as I love food. Not to mention unhealthy.

Gah. Wish there was a course for men on running homes, cooking nutritious meals and planning ahead.

My problem is this - he is so loving and caring and an amazing father. He is my best friend.

Think about this, very simply put...

If he was really all those things, you wouldn't be here needing advice... He'd be doing stuff to make your load lighter...

I'd start with a magnetic whiteboard on the fridge where you can assign tasks, bonus if you assign them to certain days. I'd also be getting the kids involved, 12 is certainly old enough to be learning how things work like cooking simple meals and the washing machine.

Could you start doing a click and collect/delivery shop to save the time and energy going to the supermarket? Are any of the 12 year olds activities in walking distance for them?

I make my lunches for work the night before and keep it in the fridge overnight. If he has access to a microwave at work he could take leftovers saving prep time there.

Take one more opportunity to be brutally honest about where you are mentally and what he can do to help and what you'll be doing (chore/planning board) to change things. Explain you need his support and need to be working as a team as this isn't currently sustainable or fair.

I planned to make a schedule for my husband and me then got annoyed that I had to be the one to make a schedule 😂

Book yourself into a hotel for a week. (Providing that is an affordable option). That will give him a chance to learn what needs doing, then he won't have to ask anymore.

It will also show him that unless he takes initiative and pitches in, you will have to get a break the only possible way - by leaving for a week every so often. And it needs to be a FULL week, not a couple of days.

I'm not joking, you really need to make him see, words are clearly not getting through to him and this stuff is really important. A "good father" provides a good role model to his children by pulling his weight and caring for.their mother.

What is the significance of him being from abroad? Is it not expected that men do housework and cooking or tasks like food shopping in his culture?

Gah. Wish there was a course for men on running homes, cooking nutritious meals and planning ahead.

Well this is what parents - good role models - are for. It starts with children seeing how their parents function.

As above, divide all jobs equally. It's a long list and l would not expect him to do his part, as he has not done so yet, in over a decade. He can make his own lunch. He can do the food shopping. Hire a cleaner to do the toilets, floors and beds. Generally start living your own life. Go out and do things you enjoy. Even a walk in the park, just to have some time away from that stress. And he is not otherwise wonderful, you would not be in this state, if he was genuinely nice. He is just good at the charm offensive. Put yourself at the top of your list, in the long run your children will respect you for it.

@Comedycook

Well I'd start by pointing out to him that men whose wives are housewives take on ALL financial responsibility...he has a dam cheek expecting you to work AND live like a housewife.

Exactly this.

I am enraged by how common this sort of story is, 80% of my friends have similar dynamics and are at their wit's ends.

Please do have a listen to this podcast. It's really interesting and there is a big focus on INVISIBLE labour...

www.motherkind.co/listen-1/2019/10/03ep75-eve-rodsky-gamechanging-solution-for-whe-you-have-too-much-to-do

And maybe invest in the guest's book, might be helpful.

Good luck. It's great that he is at least receptive and acknowledges the imbalance. Many don't.

Oh yes, I had one like this. What led to a fundamental change was putting in charge of the shopping. It mau seem like a small thing, but it led to him becoming more involved with food prep and household management.

They way I did it: I had a 2 week meal plan on rotation. Prepared a shopping list to cater for week 1 and week 2, with additions for breakfast, packed lunches, cleaning products, toiletries, etc.

The list was labelled with sections (meat, veg, dairy, packaged gooss, tins, etc), in the order these were at Sainsbury's, so no excuse for 'couldn't find xyz'. (I printed it out and just deleted anything that wasn't needed that week and added in any extras.)

It was like a light bulb moment for him as he started to connect the dots about all the things that needed doing to keep our ship afloat.

I am enraged by how common this sort of story is, 80% of my friends have similar dynamics and are at their wit's ends

It's mad isn't it?! I do all housework, cooking, laundry etc BUT I don't work. My dh deals with all the bills. If I did work full time, like fuck would I do all this too!

I'd give him some tasks to do start to finish. Say kids clubs. He has to organise and book and pay, get the kit and uniform, drop off and collect. Add him to the mailing list and then wash your hands of it. Same with cleaning don't give him jobs give him the upstairs or something so he has to do everything there and run through what he has to do once and agree consequences if its not one.

I think it's less about lists and rotas and more about making him see what is involved in running the house and getting him to want to be more involved in it.

And you can't make someone want to do things.

This is where the true problem lies.

By doing rotas and lists, you're still carrying the mental load.

One way of doing things, is not picking up the slack if he doesn't do something you agreed on, because it makes it seem optional. So he agrees to do lunches. And eventually stops doing lunches. So you start making the lunches again. The mistake is to restart making the lunches. The kids will have to have a school meal and he'll have to go without lunch. And if the kids moan, direct them to dad. When the school want paying for the lunches, direct them to dad. It's harsh, but that level of responsibility and consequence is the only way. Stop picking up the slack.

I'd discuss the things that you really want some movement on. And get him to say what he will do moving forward. That way you haven't demanded he does X,y and z and you can say to him, look, this was your idea!

This is all about negotiation and making him realise how selfish it is to leave it all up to you.

What does he do while you are sorting everything out?
My DH rarely does the washing, hoovering and dusting but he is always busy with other stuff
eg
Walking the dog
Mowing the lawn
Cutting the hedges
Chopping the firewood
Cleaning the windows
Clearing and laying the log burner
Cleaning and checking the car over
Fixing the plumbing and DIY in general.
Taking the bins out
Sweeping the driveway

Or is he just sitting around while you scurry about doing everything?

So often we see the words "amazing father", before we learn that he's a lazy selfish husband.
And your children are being brought up to think this is the way men should behave.
Time to make it clear that if you both go out to work, you both share the work at home.

Do you have a cleaner?

You mention feeling completely overwhelmed - can you take time out? Genuine question as no one can go on if battery reserves are low.

@Underfrighter

I'd give him some tasks to do start to finish. Say kids clubs. He has to organise and book and pay, get the kit and uniform, drop off and collect. Add him to the mailing list and then wash your hands of it. Same with cleaning don't give him jobs give him the upstairs or something so he has to do everything there and run through what he has to do once and agree consequences if its not one.

This is exactly what is talked about in the podcast I recommended.
Make sure he is doing the FULL task, including the invisible labour, not the just the physical or end task.
eg. Clubs
Book them, pay for them, organise the kits & snacks. Not just take them.
Same for a day out. If they take kids out for a morning or day, make sure they are packing the bags, doing the prep too. As it's just about the end goal in terms of labour.
Same with shopping. Going to the shops is helpful, but much more helpful if you aren't the one writing the list, getting the bags together etc.

He is from abroad so I have naturally taken charge of everything

Huh?

Sorry to hear OP :( sounds very exasperating. Can you and your DH sit down and make the schedule together? It just seems unfair on you that he’s asking you to make the schedule on your own, on top of everything else you already do.