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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is this just standard when you have kids?

14 replies

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 10/04/2022 11:55

Hi everyone,

I am seeing a good friend this week who has two children (one school age and one toddler). I am having my first baby next month so not much experience (apart from nephew) of what is reasonable when you have kids so looking for some clarity.

Every time I see this friend, I always go to hers - it's about a half hour drive and there doesn't seem to be opportunity for me to ask her to mine or nearer me , it sort of feels out of bounds because she has kids.

Example - I would like to see her this week and she gave me quite rigid timings; either one hour at lunch or anytime after half 7 (which to me is teatime then bedtime!).

I feel slightly put out that I am always working to her schedule but is that just expected when you are the one without children? What do you all think?

Thank you.

OP posts:

SnowingInApril · 10/04/2022 11:59

Think it depends on the individual. Personally I can’t wait for DH to take over so I can go to a friends house for a quiet cuppa.
That said, I do have friends who let their children dictate everything. Where they go, what time they eat, who they see. One time a friend drove to mine to visit, their DC fell asleep in the car and she sat on the drive with them… for over an hour. I found it amusing but I guess she was worried about their reaction if she woke them.

Lazypuppy · 10/04/2022 12:02

It'll be easier at hers as kids will have their toys, but the rigid timings are ridiculous

EV117 · 10/04/2022 12:06

It depends on the kids. With older children it’s definitely easier to be flexible. ‘Toddler’ is a bit ambiguous - if it’s an 18 month old still having naps then it can be tricky to work around that, you don’t really want to disturb the routine unless it’s really necessary because it will be a pain in the arse to get gem to sleep later.

Herald44 · 10/04/2022 12:06

The one hour at lunch and after half seven sounds to me like she is arranging for nap time/ after their bed. My kids are too old for naps but I would prefer to meet after half 7 too as they are then asleep and I'm not having to rely on DH doing bedtime, because he usually comes home from work during it. I don't think half 7 is late to catch up with a friend?!

ChiselandBits · 10/04/2022 12:07

It really depends. Does she have a partner who can have them so you could have a child free catch up? If not, then at those ages, really it is tricky. If she brings them to yours she'll be leaping up every two minutes as I'm guessing it's not toddler proof and / or you'll be upset cos something gets broken, sticky etc.

Pommelegible · 10/04/2022 12:07

The only time I’ve ever given a friend such rigid timings was when she asked to see me and I really wanted to but already had a lot on so had to try to fit her in around it. I have on occasion said that mornings would be better or evenings if we wanted to be able to talk properly, just to avoid being constantly interrupted by a whinging and tantrumming toddler who needed a nap.

lemmein · 10/04/2022 12:08

I think, with toddlers especially, it's easier to have people visit rather than you go to their homes. At least in their own environment they have their toys to keep them occupied and you aren't always on alert incase they break something in somebody else's home.

My DC are adults now but for friends that still have young children I much prefer visiting them rather than them visit me - at least then you can leave when they get annoying

oishutup · 10/04/2022 12:10

I think she's actually planning around when she can speak to you properly without being distracted by the kids.

If she's at her house, it's easier to maintain routines so she can guarantee that she can have a proper conversation with you while the kids are asleep.

But maybe that hasn't been communicated that well, and you just feel that it is all on her terms?

MissM2912 · 10/04/2022 12:10

She is arranging times she can give you her full attention. I think she is being considerate. Nothing worse than a friend being distracted by children when trying to catch up

TheSandgroper · 10/04/2022 12:11

Each child is a whole person in terms of personality. Some will arrive flexible and some really won’t.

Dear Friend may consider that you wanting to be flexible may not be worth it that evening or the next day. You could ask the question, though.

Socialising though the younger years is tricky. Sleep, feeding, supervision, getting the washing done can all throw plans into disarray. But there is a line where you need to count, too. Negotiation may be needed.

Original poster

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 10/04/2022 12:24

Thanks everyone - all noted! I am going to see her tomorrow and just pop to hers - somebody did make a good point that then means I can leave on my terms which is ideal.

I suppose I feel a little more sensitive to it as I am very big and uncomfortable so a drive along the north circular is not ideal but I suppose when I have my baby she will come to me.

I am definitely getting old - to me, going into London for half 7 is very late! I do go to bed about 9 though with this big bump... lol

thank you!

OP posts:

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 13:03

@TheSandgroper
I’m not sure I would allow my socialising plans am to be derailed by laundry. That stuff can wait

ButtockUp · 10/04/2022 13:53

This arrangement may well suit your friend, for now, but what will happen when your own child arrives?

No, it's not normal.

Chamomileteaplease · 10/04/2022 13:58

I wouldn't assume she will work around your schedule when your baby comes though. She'll be all "oh he can sleep anywhere" and keep you running about as she's used to.

I was always a firm believer of protected naps though so I am sympathise with her. She's also probably knackered all the time.

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