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Original poster

5 year old tantrums

20 replies

Cautiontothewind · 10/04/2022 08:53

Posted on another board but no replies and I really do need advice.
I am at a loss with my 5 year olds behaviour at the moment. As in I'm really struggling with knowing how to deal with it, I'm not even sure it's normal tantrums anymore.
If she is told no or doesn't get her own way she full on rages, shouts at us, calls us names like rubbish/stupid, stamps foot, throws stuff. It's so full on.
We've tried the nice approach, the big cuddles, talking etc. We've tried taking things away, we've tried ignoring. She literally does not care.
She fights with her older sister and I do think she feels constantly in her shadow.. But we don't know how to resolve this as we tell her she's amazing, good to be different, treat them fairly and have 1 on 1 time. Her older sister does wind her up and we try to be on this, we also at times leave them to it depending on the situation.
But it's got to the point now I am struggling so much to deal with it all. The girls bicker constantly which drives me mad and tbh neither seem to respect us. But the tantrums of my 5 year old are another level and I don't know what to do! Anyone have any tips at all?

OP posts:
WhoopItUp · 10/04/2022 08:59

I’m not sure I have any advice but I didn’t want to not respond. What do school say about her behaviour? My DD5 also has a temper but she explodes quickly and calms down equally quickly. We find that staying absolutely calm ourselves helps and she responds far more to talking to her than telling her off/shouting at her. Has she always had a short fuse or is this a sudden thing? We found our daughter really hard work before and after Xmas but she’s really calmed now now and I wonder if some of it was due to starting school/change/tiredness. However, I also recognise that she is naturally fiery!

Duracellbunnywannabe · 10/04/2022 09:01

Have you ruled out tiredness, illness, hunger or other issues?

Musicandcheese · 10/04/2022 09:06

Sorry to be blunt, but you sound quite weak.

We've tried the nice approach, the big cuddles, talking etc. We've tried taking things away, we've tried ignoring. She literally does not care

Have you tried being very cross? A very firm tone of voice, a shocked face, and making it absolutely clear that shouting at you and calling you names is not acceptable.

She doesn't care at the moment, because there are no real consequences to her behaviour. Once she gets to school (if she's not there already), do you think her teacher is going to respond to her poor behaviour with 'big cuddles and talking?'

If she doesn't get any kind of discipline at this age, then you are setting yourself up for real trouble as she gets older.

DrunkUnicorn · 10/04/2022 09:36

Watching this thread with interest as we are in the same boat. Almost 5yo DS is a delight at school, clever and social, quite cheeky at times but more of a follower than a troublemaker - and this is what the teachers tell me. At home he can be lovely and kind and sweet and funny, and turns into a dramatic little terror if he doesn't get his way - usually about not being allowed as much TV time as he wants. Tears, shouting, throwing things, big upset, etc. We have tried reasoning, cuddles, gentle talking, time out, taking away toys etc., rewards, outright scolding like PP suggested and punishments. No success so far. Not to hijack your thread OP just to say we are also in the same boat and I feel your frustration. Really want to lock myself in my room sometimes and just scream.

ReacherMargrave · 10/04/2022 09:44

I'm going through this with my 6 year old. The only thing that works is sending her to her bedroom to calm down. She comes down within 5-10 mins back to normal. She doesn't do it at school or when out of the house.,

gingerbiscuits · 10/04/2022 09:46

Communicate & enforce clear boundaries/expectations, ensure 100% consistency no matter where you are or who you're with, decide on a reward/consequence system that'll work for you & find a shit load of patience - then just dig in & ride it out!

I speak as a teacher & a frazzled mum who's been through it herself!

Whatsmyname100 · 10/04/2022 10:03

Sorry to be blunt, but you sound quite weak.

This. You need to be firm and cross about her behavior especially the name calling. Wishy washy cuddles and talks are not working. I have a 5yo and outside of tiredness, hunger, and illness I would not tolerate this. There would be an immediate consequence for this behaviour.

TheFoz · 10/04/2022 10:29

I have had similar behaviour with my dd around the same age. They are pushing the boundaries to see how far they can go. The one rule I had that I 100% stuck to was that she had to go to her room when she started the crying and whinging, and it was up to herself when she came out again, but she wasn’t allowed to come out until she had stopped. So that gave her some control.

And of course my little darling was the perfect child at school! I can tell you we aren’t out of the woods yet, she’s 13 and full of hormones and well able to throw a tantrum still!

Original poster
Cautiontothewind · 10/04/2022 19:25

We've done the very firm thing also. Told off sternly, even shouted. Got down to her level, we've pretty much done every approach. And at times we definitely do hit the end of our tether with it and still shout but it doesn't do anything except make her more angry and stroppy.
I've done the ignoring, literally sat and ignored it completely even if she was throwing things, shouting in our face etc.
We've put her in a different room or left it ourselves. I genuinely feel we have done it all.
She has always been more strong willed and fiery for sure. But this is another level.
At school she's an angel they have said, polite, kind, helpful.. Packs away etc. They used to say that at nursery too.

OP posts:
moita · 10/04/2022 19:29

OP I feel for you as my 5 year old DS is the same! Angel at school but a lot of talking back at home and being a shit to his younger sister.

I think part of it is learning new behaviour from others at school. I've explained name calling etc is not acceptable in our house.

I also try and diffuse things with cuddles - I'm not rewarding bad behaviour but sme situations just need calming down.

I think for my DS he does get shattered from school so nice calming activities such as playdoh can help.

It does feel like I'm treading on egg shellw sometimes though.

Original poster
Cautiontothewind · 10/04/2022 19:31

@DrunkUnicorn
Seems very similar here! It's almost like she doesn't know how to control her anger yet... But then I worry about why she has so much anger!

@duracellbunnywannabe at times yes it can be tiredness... But it's a lot so I can't really put it down to that all the time!

@musicandcheese sorry forgot to add but yes we've absolutely done the firm thing. Even the shouting thing. It didn't work, if anything escalated the situation... Its since realising that doesn't work on her we've tried the softer approach but frankly that doesn't work either so who knows.
At school they have no issues, no strops and she's a delight apparently. They used to say the same about nursery.
She's definitely been worse since going to school though, more attitude to go with the tantrums.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cautiontothewind · 10/04/2022 19:33

@moita that's similar here.. Although her sister is certainly not an angel. She tries to wind her up and get her in trouble but that's a separate issue.
I get the walking on eggshell thing.. Sometimes you just think oh god don't start her off as its such a battle and once she's in a mood she can take a while to get out of it so it can really ruin the day if we have something nice planned!

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 10/04/2022 19:35

What kind of thing does she kick off about?

Jules912 · 10/04/2022 19:42

My 6 year old is the same. Sometimes cuddles and calming breaths help, especially if we catch her pre tantrum but not always. While her older brother had and indeed still has his moments I don't remember him being so bad.
I have ASD so do wonder if she also does but school say they would've expected to see at least some signs if so.

Original poster
Cautiontothewind · 10/04/2022 20:00

@pumperthepumper honestly... It can be anything. Being told she can't have something, being asked to pick her stuff up, getting dressed. Although the getting dressed one has finally calmed and she's usually fine... Unless she's in a bad mood and then it comes out of nowhere to be honest.

@jules912 we try not to compare but no way was her elder sister as bad! But she also causes a lot of the tantrums from her little sister quite frankly

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 10/04/2022 20:01

[quote Cautiontothewind]@pumperthepumper honestly... It can be anything. Being told she can't have something, being asked to pick her stuff up, getting dressed. Although the getting dressed one has finally calmed and she's usually fine... Unless she's in a bad mood and then it comes out of nowhere to be honest.

@jules912 we try not to compare but no way was her elder sister as bad! But she also causes a lot of the tantrums from her little sister quite frankly[/quote]
Can’t have what specifically though?

MissShapesMissStakes · 10/04/2022 21:05

I think the fact that children that age (or any age really) are 'fine' at school but have more outbursts and difficult behaviour at home is often because they are holding it together at school and processing a LOT. Not just learning-wise, but socially, behaviourally, different expectations, sitting still for longer, being quieter etc.

It's a lot!

And home is their safe place where they can let rip without unknown repercussions.

Good luck!

moita · 10/04/2022 21:30

I do know what you mean about siblings winding each other up. My DD is only 3 but she knows how to get a reaction and how to annoy DS - does feel like a battleground.

Changechangychange · 10/04/2022 21:47

I’m glad you posted this OP, because I was just thinking today how bad DS5’s tantrums have been recently. Massive sulks over nothing (being asked to pick up toys, being invited to join in with something). Random strops where he throws his toys around. Lying on the ground and refusing to move when told it’s time for lunch. And that was just today Grin

Some of it is definitely being tired or over-excited. Some of it is being crap at transitions (he has always had tantrums over transitions). But his behaviour at home has gone massively down hill over the past six months, and I’m not totally sure why (he definitely gets disciplined, but we didn’t used to need to).

Surviiving · 13/03/2025 17:53

Hello! Sorry I know this was a while ago but I wonder how the little ones are now a few years later? I'm in the same boat with my 5 year old so hopefully this is just an age thing? Does it get better? @Cautiontothewind

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