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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to deal with this? Ex and ds

17 replies

hiyageorgie42 · 10/04/2022 07:54

Ex and I share a ds11. Ex can be a bit of an idiot - his way or the highway type of attitude. He is always right and doesn't take kindly to being challenged or criticised.

I've always tried to bring ds up to be kind, respectful and sensible and for the most part he is all of those things and a genuinely sweet natured boy.

However ex seems to constantly try and make him more like him. He is mean about people from their looks to their abilities (for example ds was part of a swimming competition and ex was laughing about the performance of one of the other children who didn't do so well) and encourages ds to do the same. This happens a lot from people we know in real life to people on TV. He can be very cutting and cruel.

He is a lot more laid back than me with certain safety issues such as wearing a bike helmet and just tells ds 'it'll be fine' even when I've previously told him to do something simple to keep himself safe.

Ds also recently got his first girlfriend and my ex has already made comments about how he shouldn't tie himself down to one girl and should have lots of 'birds' on the go. He's 11 ffs.

I've stopped short of undermining my ex completely by saying your dad is wrong and a moron. But as ds gets older I'm worried about how much of an influence this sort of thing is going to have on him. I don't want ex to try and change ds personality and make him like him. Sometimes when he's been with his dad for a long weekend he comes home and I see a change in his attitude and behaviour. How would you handle this?

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 10/04/2022 08:01

Every time he says his dad says something stupid roll your eyes and say "he forgot to change with the times, didn't he?"

Your sons old enough to know his dads a knob.

Outofexcuses · 10/04/2022 08:05

‘And that, DS, is why we are no longer married.’

Quincythequince · 10/04/2022 08:08

Jesus Christ OP.
Tell your DS your ex is being an idiot with his comments etc, and tell your ex to pack it in.

You gravely underestimate the impact this will have on your DS behaviour and their relationship overall.

My dad was similar, to this day I pull him up about it every, single time.

Racist, judgemental, sexist, nasty old man he is and I don’t let him get away with it.

Quincythequince · 10/04/2022 08:10

Your DS may well start to repeat things and take on board certain views, which could well cause problems for him.

He is young, and impressionable so don’t let this lie.

starrynight21 · 10/04/2022 08:14

I've stopped short of undermining my ex completely by saying your dad is wrong

Why ? Your son is 11, quite old enough to know that his father is wrong about some things. Fair enough to avoid saying "your father is a moron", but to say "your father is wrong about that" is not only true, but also appropriate . You don't want your son to grow up thinking that you agree with this nonsense, so set him straight and tell him that Dad is wrong about some things.

Original poster

hiyageorgie42 · 10/04/2022 08:15

It's difficult because ds loves us both and I want to navigate things carefully so I'm not being as blunt as to say your dad is a knob.

If ds repeats something I don't like I do of course challenge him but usually with a question for example "oh is that what you really think? Personally I don't think it's very nice to laugh at people because of their appearance, you wouldn't like it would you?"

Ex isn't like this all of the time but sometimes I feel like he almost wants to show off and play the cool the dad to ds. There is absolutely no point me challenging him directly as he just never accepts that he's wrong.

OP posts:

MintJulia · 10/04/2022 08:20

@girlmom21

Every time he says his dad says something stupid roll your eyes and say "he forgot to change with the times, didn't he?"

Your sons old enough to know his dads a knob.

This.

My ds is 13. We had the same issue. It came to a head with GCSE choices.

11yos aren't daft. They see how it is. My ds just says 'Dad's pretty hopeless really' and quietly changes the subject. With you modelling good manners and common sense most of the week, your ds will work it out.

Quincythequince · 10/04/2022 08:22

You have a responsibility to your son to ensure he is brought up correctly.

If my husband spoke this way around my kids, I would be having harsh words.

It doesn’t matter if he never accepts he’s wrong. You still need to tell him, every time. Then at least his views are clear.

And to all this people saying your sim is old enough to know better- he’s a little boy! That doesn’t follow at all.

CircusBaby · 10/04/2022 08:22

Wow OP I feel like we have the same ex. Our DD Is also 11, we've been separated since she was 2 and in the last few months (after years of biting my tongue), I've started to comment on the things her dad says - along the same lines as your DS dad. I've always worried about how his ridiculous comments might affect DD and the older she gets the worse he gets, so that's enough of that. She needs to know he's being an idiot. Sorry bit sorry. At 11 your DS needs to know that the things his dad says aren't ok.

Goawayangryman · 10/04/2022 08:23

Yeah definitely don't challenge the ex directly. I agree you need to be careful here in how you get across that it is wrong. I think you can call out your son's behaviour and say you don't agree with xyz. That's fine. I don't think you need to bring the ex into it. I mean ideally you would in any other situation, but not this one, because you are likely to be met with claims of "parental alienation".. voice of bitter experience

girlmom21 · 10/04/2022 08:23

And to all this people saying your sim is old enough to know better- he’s a little boy! That doesn’t follow at all.

Nobody says he's old enough to know better. Everyone says he's old enough to be told his dad isn't necessarily right.

Quincythequince · 10/04/2022 08:23

And your son hasn’t reached his teen years yet; don’t assume it will remain all sweetness and light, because that’s not what teenagersom is about!

Just grow a pair abs tell your ex to pack it in and stop being an arse. Make sure your DS can here it.

Quincythequince · 10/04/2022 08:24

@girlmom21

And to all this people saying your sim is old enough to know better- he’s a little boy! That doesn’t follow at all.

Nobody says he's old enough to know better. Everyone says he's old enough to be told his dad isn't necessarily right.

Aah, ok. I misunderstood that. Fair enough.

Original poster

hiyageorgie42 · 10/04/2022 08:30

I have no intention of challenging my ex. It doesn't change anything and will cause a row. Sometimes I think he's trying to get a reaction from me by saying these things in earshot and I won't give him the satisfaction. I think there could be an element of "Im the fun cool dad and she's the strict boring mum" going on.

However maybe I do need to be a bit more blunt with ds. I definitely don't want him to think I agree with this sort of thing.

OP posts:

thenewduchessoflapland · 10/04/2022 08:33

Well it's definitely obvious why he's your ex,how did you ever put up with him.

I think it's okay to sit down with DS and tell him it's okay for adults to have opposing views even if they don't agree with those opposing views and sometimes those views can be unfortunately be inappropriate.Tell him it's okay for him to not like an adults view if he feels it's unkind or something he doesn't agree with;he needs to know his own thoughts and feelings are valid.

It's not undermining your ex letting your DS know he's entitled to his own independent opinions.

CircusBaby · 10/04/2022 08:34

DD loves us both too OP, but even she has started to question the things her dad says. For starters he's openly racist. I'm not ok with that. Luckily neither is she, as it was her who flagged it up and asked how she should respond to it. Kids shouldn't have to be dealing with their nrp's rancid behaviour when there's another parent who can deal with it for them. I'm not going to sit back and let him twist her young mind with his foulness for fear of him (wrongly) accusing me of parental alienation if I say something.

It is a bit of a minefield OP, but I think a few well chosen (non sweary) words wouldn't go amiss.

Datada · 10/04/2022 08:45

I think you need advice from a child psychologist. The boy loves both his parents. Could you have age appropriate discussions with your son, without slagging off his dad? Children will defend the parent being criticised, don't go there, it will push your son away from you. Also accepting that there is a limit to what you can do, may help you. Maybe discuss with the child, when a situation arises naturally, to think through what he says, and how people can be hurt by words?

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