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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my parents in the right?

16 replies

Goldenelephant123 · 09/04/2022 22:54

So recently moved into a new house. My parents have been very negative about all renovations were doing to the house and wants to know the ins and outs of everything. They keep telling me everything we’re doing is wrong and have got in touch with people behind my back. I try to not say to much as I can’t be bothered to listen to them moaning basically. My partner has been great he has put a lot of money into the house and does a lot of the building work himself.
Due to funds being low I recently got a home improvements loan to finish of the renovation etc. My parents found out about me getting a loan and have been really negative saying my partner should have got the loan he’s the “man” in the relationship.

I was speaking to my dad today when he said something along the lines off now that my partner is doing over time he should start learning how to spend some money as it always seems like I’m paying for everything and I had to get a loan.

This Is definitely not the case, I explained how much my partner has done and told him it was my own choice to get the loan and it is my house to but he just dismissed me. Do you think it is ok for my parents to be this involved ?

OP posts:
Josette77 · 09/04/2022 22:56

No. Stop sharing info and put up strong boundaries.

LoudingVoice · 09/04/2022 22:59

Weird thing to say that a man should take out the loan Confused

But - whose house is this? Yours alone or joint? Have you bought it, rented it? Doesn’t sound like you’re married, what’s the financial set up?

Maybe your parents are concerned you’re the one taking out a personal loan and potentially being left with debt?

Hugasauras · 09/04/2022 23:02

@LoudingVoice

Weird thing to say that a man should take out the loan Confused

But - whose house is this? Yours alone or joint? Have you bought it, rented it? Doesn’t sound like you’re married, what’s the financial set up?

Maybe your parents are concerned you’re the one taking out a personal loan and potentially being left with debt?

Yep, this. Sounds like they're worried about your financial setup. Do they have any reason to be?
Kite22 · 09/04/2022 23:06

Agree with both the above.

Who owns the house?

Irrespective of that though..... getting the loan because he is the man ?!?!?! Confused

If you don't want them to comment, don't tell them the information.

Iveneverwonanoscar · 09/04/2022 23:07

No, it's not really ok, especially where your partner is concerned as they're not his parents. Are you and your parents very close and they're used to giving you advice etc or are they just a bit controlling? You don't say how old you are so not sure whether they just concerned for you if you're quite young, or they should just back off and mind their own business. Probably best to have a gentle chat and tell them to politely keep their opinions to themselves from now on if you don't like what they're saying to you. Hard though i know.

Original poster
Goldenelephant123 · 09/04/2022 23:13

We both own the house, we’re both paying the bills, my partner was in a better position than me so has spent a lot of money on the house and done a lot as I said in previous post..

I’m in my early 30s so not to young and my parents do seem to get involved quite a bit. I just didn’t like the comment about my partner as they know how much he has done and I think it’s unfair of them to turn on him.

OP posts:
allmysons · 09/04/2022 23:17

Stop telling them stuff. It's none of their business

findingsomeone · 09/04/2022 23:26

You're encouraging it by telling them everything. If you want that to end, learn to hold back.

Womencanlift · 09/04/2022 23:32

Why are you telling them anything about your finances? Especially when they react like this

From now on just say everything is progressing as planned thanks for asking

Mellowyellow222 · 09/04/2022 23:35

I agree you have to stop sharing. I know that is hard.

I moved house about six months ago and my parents have an opinion on everything - and every plan I make is wrong. They want my house to be a carbon copy of theirs - all my choices are wrong and will date! I want beautiful sash windows - they shake their heads and say PVC. I got shutters - they said they look dreadful and I should have gone with verticals (like a 1990s office😂). They are angry about my flooring choices.

It is infuriating to be constantly questioned and told you are wrong by people who don’t actually live on the house. So best ignore!!

Comtesse · 09/04/2022 23:40

“Honestly mum and dad just mind your own business, it works for me and Dave, that’s all that matters” - repeat 1000 times til they start to catch on.

Why on earth would you tell them about a loan? Why do they need to know the ins and outs of your finances? No way! That needs to be knocked on the head sharpish.

SuperSleepyBaby · 10/04/2022 02:12

You should read about enmeshed families

www.verywellfamily.com/can-a-family-be-too-close-1695789

“ What Is Enmeshment?
Families who are enmeshed usually have personal boundaries that are unclear and permeable. When boundaries are blurred or not clearly defined, it becomes difficult for each family member to develop a healthy level of independence and autonomy.

What's more, enmeshment goes beyond the bonds of a close family. Enmeshment often involves a level of control where parents attempt to know and control their children's thoughts and feelings. They also may rely too heavily on the children for emotional support and may even try to live their lives through their kids' activities and achievements.”

Newhousesad · 10/04/2022 03:09

Nope! Put them on an information diet ASAP for your own sanity

Original poster
Goldenelephant123 · 10/04/2022 07:18

@Mellowyellow222

I agree you have to stop sharing. I know that is hard.

I moved house about six months ago and my parents have an opinion on everything - and every plan I make is wrong. They want my house to be a carbon copy of theirs - all my choices are wrong and will date! I want beautiful sash windows - they shake their heads and say PVC. I got shutters - they said they look dreadful and I should have gone with verticals (like a 1990s office😂). They are angry about my flooring choices.

It is infuriating to be constantly questioned and told you are wrong by people who don’t actually live on the house. So best ignore!!

I can relate so much to this, I literally could’ve wrote this. It is very annoying and overwhelming at times because I don’t think they have once said anything positive Hmm
OP posts:
Original poster
Goldenelephant123 · 10/04/2022 07:23

Thank you everyone, I will definitely have to restrict things with them just for my own sanity.
I also read the article about enmeshed families and it makes a lot of sense thank you .

OP posts:
Whatsmyname100 · 10/04/2022 07:28

yabvu for allowing your parents to have so much say over stuff that is not their business! You are a grown woman, why do you need to tell your parents everything?? If I was your dh, I would be furious with you for telling them so much and have little to do with them over their comments. They sound like nosey busy body's who really don't know their place. Can't believe you're a grown adult and involving your parents to this extent.

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