To ask about 50/50 custody

[Fishfingersfortea43]

Every now and then my ex partner who was very controlling and abusive when we were together will suggest the idea of 50/50. Our ds is 9 and has had regular contact with his dad EOW and one night during the week since we split when he was 3.

In my mind this is a good arrangement. Ds sees his dad and stepfamily plenty but has the stability of a 'home' with me. He also goes to school round the corner from our home and has all of his friends nearby whereas his dad lives 25 minutes away by car.

My ex tends to do this when he's bored or feeling insecure about something in life. Sometimes it happens when he's had ds for a longer period of time like they've been on holiday or something and he's gotten used to having him around daily. But as a permanent arrangement I don't think he's thought how it would actually work - school runs for example or the fact that in a few years ds will want to be out with his pals who all live nearby.

It's incredibly hard to reason with my ex or dissuade him from something when he's got an idea in his head though. He can become very volatile very quickly and doesn't like to be told no.

In the past when he's suggested it I've kind of made not committal remarks and nothing has ever come of it but I'm just wondering what I would do if he began insisting. I truly don't believe it would be in ds best interests to change an arrangement that has worked well for him all these years just on the whim of my ex. I'm presuming a court would want evidence as to why this change would be necessary/beneficial too? Even now I get very anxious about disagreements with my ex as it used to be quite toxic and abusive when we were together.

Would be interested to hear anyone else's experiences or opinions on how to handle this sort of thing.......

Bump

We do 50/50 and have done for over a year. However we live near each other and get on most of the time.
We do friday to friday it means we both get a mix of the fun stuff and the boring day to day school runs

What does DS think, does he know this is on the cards?

How is your ex suggesting it's worked out, alternate week? Mid week split? Perhaps the actual reality of organising all the school drop off and pick ups, any clubs or classes DS does, seeing friends and so on might make him think on it. I'd ask him lots and lots of practical questions along these lines. Everything you can think of, homework, uniform, does he have his own room at ex's house. Childcare for after school if ex works outside normal school hours.....

If you currently get reasonable maintenance this may well reduce if you go to 50/50. Could ex by trying it because of this angle?

Personally I think that 50/50 only really works if you have an amicable split because it relies on a lot of communication and agreement.

ExDH and I have a 50/50 arrangement that goes Monday to Monday (DD leaves for school from one house on Monday morning and goes home to the other house after school) so we both get a a full weekend and don't have to worry about cutting short weekend plans to get her to the other parent on Sunday evening.

We had a very amicable split so we are happy with our arrangements but it does require trust and communication. Eg we have a joint calender for DDs activities and an email account specifically for DDs registrations/sign ups etc that we both can access and use so we don't have to keep track of who gets the dance emails and who gets the gymnastics emails etc. Neither of us pays maintenance to the other and we both cover our own day to day expenses but for larger items eg school trips/extra curricular classes etc then we just split the cost 50/50 and one will transfer the money to whichever of us is paying.

It can work well but usually happens from the start so the child would be used to it.
I can understand why every other weekend doesn't feel enough for dad however.
What does your child think of the idea?

50/50 is brilliant for some kids, and just because he pattern has worked well in the past, doesn’t mean another isn’t equally good or better - especially as they get older.

However, it’s not what you want, and nothing you’ve said suggests it would be good for your son.

So…

1. Try not to stress over something that hasn’t been requested
2. Come up with a stock line ready to trot out if he says it again. “Everything works well now, so I don’t want to change that.”

My ex tends to put his own wants and beliefs above everyone else's. The current arrangement has worked for well for ds for 6-7 years and there is no other reason to change it other than ex's whim. It hasn't happened yet and I'm hoping it won't but I feel on edge waiting for the suggestion because I know if I say no it will result in a row, endless criticism and him trying to wear me down until he gets what he wants. I won't relent as I truly don't believe it's best for ds but it will be a battle and brings back a lot of anxieties from a painful time.

I'm sure 50/50 can work in some scenarios but as pp said, both parties have to be organised, amicable and committed. I also think it helps if this was the arrangement from the start.

EOW and one night a week isn't really much time though if I was a parent. Perhaps half way ground of slowly increasing time.

What would your child like. Your post is full of what you think and your ex wants but not your child wants /needs.
If I ever broke with my dh I hope we’d go through 50/50 as think that’s my child’s best interest

"Personally I think that 50/50 only really works if you have an amicable split because it relies on a lot of communication and agreement."
I think melj has hit the nail on the head. Courts rarely agree on 50-50 splits because it does really only work if you get on this well AND you live close to each other to minimise disruption to the children. The very fact that the parents can't agree so it gets as far as court suggests that it won't work for them. They also take previous/ current abusive behaviour into consideration, especially if contact arrangements are being used as a way to to control a former partner. Trying to avoid getting into arguments, while standing your ground and calmly alerting him to the practicalities, as advised by others, sems a good plan.

From my own experience as a child of divorced parents (I was 6) I was shared 50/50 until I was about 13, by which point I was sick of living in such an arrangement and chose to base myself at one parent a lot more. Endlessly packing bags of clothing, school books, toys etc - it was not fun. My parents were completely amicable about it all too.

It really is what works best for the child, but from my experience children need more stability than be shunted back and forth between two homes every week or so. But some children may be fine with it so it’s really up to them, however in your situation I’d smile and nod and forget about it until he takes you to court.

@Skydreams

From my own experience as a child of divorced parents (I was 6) I was shared 50/50 until I was about 13, by which point I was sick of living in such an arrangement and chose to base myself at one parent a lot more. Endlessly packing bags of clothing, school books, toys etc - it was not fun. My parents were completely amicable about it all too.

It really is what works best for the child, but from my experience children need more stability than be shunted back and forth between two homes every week or so. But some children may be fine with it so it’s really up to them, however in your situation I’d smile and nod and forget about it until he takes you to court.

I completely concur based on personal experience.

Fully agree it works best when parents communicate well and live close together so no issue with school, doctors, friends etc. although courts would be looking for a child focused reason to change the status quo you should be aware that because it has worked well for the last x number of years doesn’t mean a change wouldn’t be beneficial - childrens needs change over time and flexibility is key. What works for a seven year might not work for a teenager and you might find they vote with their feet.

How does your ex's new wife feel about 50/50? Maybe he won't pursue the idea if she's not keen.

My ex would like to do 50/50 but in reality can't (be bothered to) organise himself well enough. Rather than say no, I just ask him to send me a plan of how he sees it working out... of course he never does because it won't work in actual real life. But its so much easier to say 'Sure, just send me the details' than it is to say 'We both know this is never gonna happen'....

When my exH said he was leaving I spoke to a psychologist about how to understand what was best for the DC. She said very firmly that children need a “home” where they spend the majority of their time and should “visit” the other parent. This is why I never entertained 50:50. We have the same arrangement as you and after two years my DS say they don’t want to change anything. Best of luck.

What does your ex's latest wife think about having your child for 50% of the time? That might have some bearing on whether he pursues the idea or not

I have 50/50 custody with 9 year old DS’s dad and have done for almost 6 years now. He goes to school in exes village (nicer school) and I drive him the 15 mins there and back when it’s my time with him. We do full week which each parent then swap. It’s fine, no liability for maintenance etc from either side. His dad is just as just his parent as I am.

@sleepygal I’d really bloody hope that the new wife would be very happy about it

Those asking what my son wants....believe me this is all about what I believe to be best for my son. If I thought it would benefit him I could put my feelings to one side but I truly don't believe that living out of a bag is in his best interests. It wouldn't be a smooth process as ex lives quite far away and isn't clued up on practical things that ds does or needs. He is very much a weekend dad - no set bedtimes, no homework, loads him up with sugar and so on. That can't work all of the time. I have no idea what his new partner would think but if she's anything like I was when we were together I doubt she'll be asked, she'll be told.

I don’t think 50/50 works, I can remember going through it myself as a child it was so disruptive for me I would wake up in one bed and couldn’t remember who’s house I was out. Felt like I was constantly dragged back and forth and I was always getting upset. I would try and stick with what you’ve got sounds like it’s working, if he takes you to court make sure they know he’s abusive.

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