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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If a court order says

25 replies

fangle · 09/04/2022 13:47

Children to live with the mother
Father to have contact during term time every other weekend (from end of school on Friday and return to school Monday) and one night in the week (Wednesday) and Half of the school holidays split equally between the parents arranged in advance ....

Then how do you split holidays?

My ex partner and I just split holidays down the middle in half so the kids don't have to go to and fro and it's easy for us to plan in advance as we both know if it's the last day of term and they would be with either of us then we "get" the first half or what ever. Straight forward and amicable. Apart from the summer holidays where if there's a special date or any thing we try and accommodate and make each other's lives easier so the children are settled and know what's going on.

What happens when parents can't agree? DP is having a mare with his ex and I can't advise as frankly I think it's ridiculous they're squabbling about numbers of nights and emailing spreadsheets to each other

So if it's a week holiday split in half down the middle

If it's two weeks (like Easter) and covers 3 weekends - how do you split it? My ex H and I split down the middle - our EOW remains constant and won't change - holidays get lapped over the top but the weekends don't change.

For example this Easter ex has them for first 10 nights then I have them - then they go back to school and they're back with me the consecutive weekend.

My partner and his x can't agree and she thinks the weekends aren't part of the holiday and shouldn't be included so she's saying he should have the DC 5 days extra over the next two weeks but when she wants him to - and she still gets them on "her" weekends meaning we can't go away on our booked holiday.

I'm confused and frankly hate the drama so any advise much appreciated. Hope this makes sense.

OP posts:

CatRatSplat · 09/04/2022 13:53

It should have been sorted before booking the holiday.

NinjaQueen · 09/04/2022 14:59

Can they take turns of one week holidays so one has Feb, one has May. Two week holidays they get a week each and summer they get 3 weeks each? I think 3 weeks is a long time to not see your other parent though so maybe swapping each week.

How old are the children?

Original poster

fangle · 09/04/2022 15:02

@NinjaQueen that's not the issue. The issue is she's saying her weekends are her weekends and not the holidays

Meaning for example if she collected from school for first half of holiday he would then get them after 7 nights - and have for 7 nights and then they'd go back to her for "her" weekend before they go back to school meaning another acrimonious hand over. Where as he argues that they should just split t he holidays like this down the middle.

They both get 2 weeks each as a block in the summer. Then the remainder they argue over like this too. It's exhausting

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 09/04/2022 15:02

They should have this sort of thing sorted in January so everyone knows what they can book . Are his children coming on the holiday ?

JustLyra · 09/04/2022 15:06

Not that he stuck to it, but the half holidays thing in ex’s court order meant that exactly half the holidays.

EOW in term time means that applies during term time.

If his ex is that sticky he’d be as well getting a properly defined order with exact dates. A friend of mine has one that sets out that she has the first half of all school holidays and her ex the second half.

Original poster

fangle · 09/04/2022 15:12

@JustLyra can't find any where that states that EOW is term time only and holidays separate

OP posts:

Original poster

fangle · 09/04/2022 15:13

@Floralnomad credit to DH he did email a suggestion over before Christmas for the first half of 2022 and she ignored completely. He's sent a couple of reminders - which have also been ignored and then recieved a long rambling text some times this week saying that she's got plans and tough her weekends are her weekends.

OP posts:

JustLyra · 09/04/2022 15:14

[quote fangle]@JustLyra can't find any where that states that EOW is term time only and holidays separate [/quote]
I was just going by your OP where it said father to have EOW term time - is that definitely not worded? Is the collection and drop off at school mentioned as that would also denote term time? Or does it just say EOW generally?

Floralnomad · 09/04/2022 15:44

Is there some way he can take it back to court to get things actually properly written in IYSWIM .

Nat6999 · 09/04/2022 15:46

I would treat the weekend before they return to school on the Monday as normal EOW as they are getting ready to go back to school, so ex has child on what would be their weekend & up to Friday of the following week, returns child Friday PM

JustLyra · 09/04/2022 16:48

If it’s not actually in the order it doesn’t matter what anyone else would do.

He either needs to get into mediation or go back to court.

WavingCatOrnament · 09/04/2022 16:59

Ours says that in term time it's EOWend for 1 night and 1 night for tea.

In school holidays it's EOWend for 1 night, then the night before his night for tea until normal return time.

Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 09/04/2022 17:22

If the court order doesn’t state it specifically about weekends being part of holiday time then I’d tend to agree with her that weekends stay the same. Otherwise they’d be specifically mentioned. If it is really is that vague I’d be going to court to get it amended so there won’t be any more arguing over it , everything in black and white so there’s no room for anyone to argue. Ideally it would be split in half.

krazykatzlady · 09/04/2022 17:30

What does the court order say exactly about holidays?
Ours has them under a different heading if that helps...

AFS1 · 09/04/2022 17:33

Generally the EOW pattern is useful to keep as a framework for the holidays, so for example in half-terms, have a handover at Wednesday lunchtime, so whoever has them for the first weekend keeps them until Wednesday.

With Easter, I would say that whoever normally has the first weekend keeps them for the first full week. Then they go to the other parent at the time they’d normally go to them at the weekend handover and stay there for the second week. Then back to the other parent for the final weekend.

Summer, a lot of people go 2 full weeks each and then carve up the rest equally. Christmas is usually the most difficult because it’s generally not a Friday break-up and Monday return, plus you often have to alternate.

AFS1 · 09/04/2022 17:33

Sorry…meant to say have to usually alternate Christmas Day.

Original poster

fangle · 09/04/2022 17:37

@krazykatzlady

"School holidays should be split equally between the parents"

Mother should make the children available
"Every other week during term time, father to pick up from school on a Friday and return to school on a Monday"

OP posts:

Allywill · 09/04/2022 17:39

If they can’t agree I guess they would take it back to court but 1) the court take a dim view of parents asking them to rule on every things like this - you are supposed to work together and it doesn’t bode well for the children if you can’t 2) asking them to decide may result in an order that neither parent likes and 3) orders that are very prescribed in this way leave no flexibility as the children’s needs change going forward and result in even more court time.

JustLyra · 09/04/2022 17:48

[quote fangle]@krazykatzlady

"School holidays should be split equally between the parents"

Mother should make the children available
"Every other week during term time, father to pick up from school on a Friday and return to school on a Monday"
[/quote]
So it does mention term time then…

The weekend arrangement apply in term time with the pick up and drop off from school.

Holidays should be split equally - with no mention of weekends.

The weekend arrangements don’t apply in holidays

krazykatzlady · 09/04/2022 18:27

I agree. The weekend arrangements are disregarded in the holidays 👍.

Original poster

fangle · 09/04/2022 18:35

Ridiculous why they can't just sort it out. Neither of them will back down.

I'll be going on holiday on my own 😂

OP posts:

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 09/04/2022 18:42

I always used to wonder how people fell out with exes about this stuff. Then I left my ex who was abusive. Luckily(?) he got bored with the whole rigmarole of parenting or even being a Disney dad fairly quickly and now hardly sees the kids. But I can imagine if you have an ex who has control issues who is willing to argue their point it’s easy to get sucked into getting pissy about getting the “right” amount of time. Or even if you just hate their guts. Not wanting them to “get one over on you”.

DysmalRadius · 09/04/2022 18:45

What if your partner just said that he is sorry that he didn't realise that they have been understanding this situation differently, and that he would really appreciate her flexibility on this occasion and would be happy to give her first choice of dates to make up for any time that she feels she would be missing out on by agreeing to these dates for this holiday. Then suggest that they sit down with the school term dates and agree the split NOW so that this doesn't happen again.

I'm just thinking that if he acknowledges the potential for misunderstanding, you might solve the immediate problem and then be clearer going forward.

Original poster

fangle · 09/04/2022 18:49

@DysmalRadius he says he won't do that as he sent these suggestions for the whole first 6 months of 2022 at Christmas and she didn't reply tol this week. Despite reminders and explaining if she didn't communicate with him regarding it he would book his AL and make plans with the kids accordingly. He also thinks she will just say no F U.

She's also got form for changing how things are around their birthdays and stuff when it suits or she has plans and he's a bit of a Disney dad and basically just has no back bone. Glad it's not my fight 😂 I'm a supportive wife, promise
It's ridiculous. They both are.

OP posts:

DysmalRadius · 09/04/2022 23:18

That does sound incredibly frustrating - I can see why he's annoyed that she's now trying to call the shots having ignored the opportunity to engage and discuss it sensibly when it would have been possible to resolve it sensibly.

If she's unwilling to discuss it at all, then I agree that going back to court to get things clarified might be the only way, but it's a shame that it's come to that.

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