What to do about my friend?

[kn99]

We've been friend since high school (over 10 years) and her mental health has suffered over the years (various issues with her family and a previous relationship).
My friend (let's call her Michelle) has been in an out of depression over the years, very up and down. Sometimes can disappear for months on end and doesn't reply to any messages, phone calls or get in touch if I send her mail.
I've come to expect that when she disappears then shes's going through a dark spell, and tend to back off with my contact in order to give her the space she needs.
The trouble with my friend is that she point blank refuses to get any help for her depression. Doesn't believe in medication (says the GP would just want to see her put 'toxins' in her body) and won't consider any sort of talking therapy or counselling.
According to her mum, she spends most of her time in her bedroom on online forums and groups which usually end up with her self-diagnosing. The last self-diagnosis was schizophrenia. Obviously it's reallly dangerous and unhelpful to self-diagnose, particularly if continuing to refuse any GP involvement or approach MH services.
I'm feeling really hurt by this friend at the moment (people tell me that depression can make a person become very 'selfish').. I've recently had major surgery (which she knew about it, talked about it last time we met before Christmas) and it's been my birthday in February. No card, no message. No contact. Just nothing.
I feel like she couldn't give a damn about me any more, although I'm always trying to check in with her to see how she is and if there's anything I can do. It was her birthday in March, I send her a thoughtful card and arranged flower delivery. Got confirmation from florist that the delivery was made. No 'thank you' from her. Nothing.
I know she's unwell but just feeling like anything I try doing to show I'm thinking of her is rejected.
We live 2 hours away from each other. I can't drive at the moment till fully recovered from surgery, so not as though I can just call over to her hourse to ask after her.
Anyone have similar situations with friends and depression?

She's just being rude. Depression is no excuse for bad manners!

I'm sorry OP, but I'd say her depression leaves no room in her life for anyone else. It sounds like she's gone down a rabbit hole.
Stay in touch with her mum, let her know you're there in times of crisis (if you want to be) but other than that move on.

Ditch. You're entitled to be selfish.

Step back for your own mental health and stop the flowers and cards.

Check in with her now and again it don’t feel obliged to remember her birthdays.

I suffer from depression, and I have encountered people exactly like your friend.

Your friend doesn’t actually want to get better, because she has essentially made her depression her entire identity and talking about mental illness is basically now her hobby. A lot of her behaviour has nothing to do with her depression and everything to do with self-obsession and a need to feel different and special and to have people make allowances for her. Her depression is absolutely a real illness, but it’s also one that she’s hanging on to because obsessing over it and talking about it is something that she now she now gets comfort from - so it’s basically a self-perpetuating cycle.

I know this sounds unbelievably harsh, and I genuinely do sympathise with her because I know how difficult depression is and nobody deserves to feel like that.

But it is absolutely possible to be depressed, and at the same time - completely separately from that - self-obsessed and draining.

In my experience, depression doesn’t really ‘make people selfish’. It can make them hard to be around, or incapable of contributing much support to others on a practical or emotional level, and that can certainly feel like selfishness to others (and is very hard on their loved ones, absolutely). It isn’t the depression, in my view, that actually makes people want to talk constantly about nothing but themselves and how unwell they are. That is a different part of their personality from their actual depression.

She's no longer your friend, is she? I'm all for sticking with people when they're feeling depressed, but she's treating you so badly that you need to back right off for the sake of your own mental health.

@ManateeFair

I suffer from depression, and I have encountered people exactly like your friend.

Your friend doesn’t actually want to get better, because she has essentially made her depression her entire identity and talking about mental illness is basically now her hobby. A lot of her behaviour has nothing to do with her depression and everything to do with self-obsession and a need to feel different and special and to have people make allowances for her. Her depression is absolutely a real illness, but it’s also one that she’s hanging on to because obsessing over it and talking about it is something that she now she now gets comfort from - so it’s basically a self-perpetuating cycle.

I know this sounds unbelievably harsh, and I genuinely do sympathise with her because I know how difficult depression is and nobody deserves to feel like that.

But it is absolutely possible to be depressed, and at the same time - completely separately from that - self-obsessed and draining.

In my experience, depression doesn’t really ‘make people selfish’. It can make them hard to be around, or incapable of contributing much support to others on a practical or emotional level, and that can certainly feel like selfishness to others (and is very hard on their loved ones, absolutely). It isn’t the depression, in my view, that actually makes people want to talk constantly about nothing but themselves and how unwell they are. That is a different part of their personality from their actual depression.

This ^

My sister has a "friend" who is very similar. Friend did fantastic at school, great degree (like, won prizes great) and started work. But then quit work after less than a year, and just... never did anything again...

For the last nearly 20 years she's continued to live with her elderly parents, in her childhood bedroom, where she (according to her social media anyway) cries all the time, worries about the future, thinks everyone is out to get her etc etc. And when she's not doing that, she's obsessing about children's TV shows from the 90s, or obscure bands/performers from a similar era. She recently had a major meltdown because... a sealion from her local aquarium died. I mean... wtf?

She's had endless interventions/support from all kinds of sources previously, but has rejected all help with veiled, "oh I can't possibly! You don't understand!!" And now everyone has given up, and is just getting the popcorn ready for the inevitable car crash that is coming round the corner.

I want to feel sorry for her, but some people just can't/won't be helped. OP, don't feel bad about silently ditching her.