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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice

11 replies

Honeyseed · 09/04/2022 10:10

Please can anyone offer me any advice? I feel like I am at my wits end!
I live with my 14 yr old son and 21 year old daughter. My daughters 23 yr old boyfriend has also lived here for the past 2 years which kind of just happened but was never agreed. He just never went home. I left my sons father in 2020 after 14 years of every form of abuse. My daughter witnessed a lot and since we split up she’s been suffering badly with anxiety but I honestly have had 6 occasions in the last 6 months to kick the boyfriend out due to talking really shot to my daughter! But then my daughter plays on my niceness and says he’s staying in a field can he come back! So he does! They pay a measly amount of rent £100 each monthly. My daughters not too bad with house rules but her boyfriend literally does nothing and constantly moans. Moans about me getting involved in their relationship every time I hear him have a go at my daughter for no reason!! Help would be so appreciated right now please!? I have told him this week in a text to leave but they act like I haven’t text! I honestly couldn’t care less about him but I don’t like being horrible? What should I do?

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 09/04/2022 10:24

Tell them, to their faces, that he has one month to leave your property before you seek legal advice.
If your “d”d wants to go with him….more fool her. If they choose to stay in a field, they stay in a field.
You need to be strong.

Teeturtle · 09/04/2022 10:28

You stood up to ex husband / partner in the end, you can stand up to this young man too. Don’t text, tell him to go.

PinkSyCo · 09/04/2022 11:08

Very difficult situation. I’d be concerned that watching you stay in an abusive relationship for so long has affected your DD’s ability to know what is or isn’t acceptable behaviour from a partner. For that reason I’d rather, if she insisted on staying with her boyfriend, that it be under my roof where I could keep an eye on them. On the other hand I can understand why you would find it triggering to see him talk to your DD like she’s a piece of shit. At the end of the day it’s your house and your decision and if you really want him out and he won’t go willingly then you will have to get the police to remove him, which will no doubt make your DD hate you until if/when she eventually realises it was for her own good.

GeneLovesJezebel · 09/04/2022 11:11

Yes, he needs to go permanently. Don’t let another man walk all over you.

PostingForTrafficz · 09/04/2022 11:12

You text him? Confused just tell him to go. If DD chooses to go, she's old enough to make her own choices.

Mystery4Feeder4 · 09/04/2022 11:14

If they are to stay, atleast increase their rent !

Schoolchoicesucks · 09/04/2022 11:20

Why would she let him stay?

He's 23, he's in your home and he's not treating you or your family with respect.

Tell him to his face that he has a week to arrange somewhere else to live. Does he have a job? Family? Give him details for shelter.

Tell your daughter that you are not asking or expecting her to leave. That if she chooses to go with him, she is always welcome back.

marlowe5 · 09/04/2022 11:29

I think in this situation, if my DD would listen, I would want to have an objective chat with her about the general risk for her of being vulnerable in relationships because she saw an unhealthy relationship in operation in her younger years. If you can have that conversation about boundaries without explicitly making a judgment about her present relationship, that is probably valuable - this may be unrealistic of me to think that is possible ! Depends if the two of you can speak honestly without her flying off the handle. For her future life, I would want her to be aware of that. I've only just realised that in much later life, after watching my DM being verbally bullied constantly, so might have been worth someone telling me that early on even if I chose to ignore and dismiss it at the time - it may have percolated eventually.

In terms of the boyfriend situation, at another separate point, I would tell him to go, and be clear that it doesn't work for you any more. That one is about you establishing and maintaining boundaries as you had to before. Young men of this age can be pretty overbearing to live with and it sounds like he is attempting to rule the roost and is getting away with it to some extent which isn't ok.

KosherDill · 09/04/2022 11:47

@Schoolchoicesucks

Why would she let him stay?

He's 23, he's in your home and he's not treating you or your family with respect.

Tell him to his face that he has a week to arrange somewhere else to live. Does he have a job? Family? Give him details for shelter.

Tell your daughter that you are not asking or expecting her to leave. That if she chooses to go with him, she is always welcome back.

This.

How do people allow these tossers to insinuate themselves into a private home?

LittleBearPad · 09/04/2022 11:52

Tell him to go face to face. A text isn’t going to cut it. If DD goes with him, she does, more fool her.

Cherrysoup · 09/04/2022 12:41

Just tell him to his face and reinforce to your dd that he is never coming back. £100 a month is totally unrealistic/outrageous. They’re both taking the piss out of you.

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