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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad for my dd

29 replies

lollipoprainbow · 09/04/2022 09:41

My dd9 has autism and struggles massively with friendships. Her one and only friend moved away to a different town four years ago and although I made sure the girls kept up contact she has now made new school friends and their friendship has waned off. The holidays make me feel so sad as she should be doing nice things with friends instead it's always me and her doing things. I worry so so much about her.

OP posts:
TheMarvelousMrsMaisel · 09/04/2022 09:45

I'm the same with my DS11. He's autistic and isn't allowed out on his own and his friends don't come over or knock for him (they did originally but he'd refuse to invite them in 🤦🏻‍♀️).

I recently made friends with another mum in the area who has DC with very similar needs to my son. We meet up with them and they come over to play (as also not allowed out to play) and it's been a life saver.
He starts a SEN school this September too so hoping that will help meeting more kids with similar needs and help him build a social life. Smilecould you do the same?

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 09/04/2022 09:48

@TheMarvelousMrsMaisel I'm seriously thinking of a sen school for next year. I'm worried how she will cope with mainstream secondary. The friendships is the biggest issue. Her friend and others from school call her on group chats but she refuses to answer as she hates her voice. I had the same issues as a child and don't want her to be as unhappy as I was !

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caulkheaded · 09/04/2022 09:50

Does she do much outside of school? I used to nanny for a girl of the same age also with autism and she struggled with a school friendships but did okay with guides/church/Lego club etc! She needed the focus to be on something other than “let’s play together”. Her mum and I also saw her straight after these things so could help her process it rather than at the end of the school day when she was tired and had forgotten some of what happened

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 09/04/2022 09:51

@caulkheaded I'm looking into guides for her. We already attend a sen girls group but she doesn't speak to anyone and no one comes and interacts with her as everyone is the same as her ! So it's a difficult.

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TheMarvelousMrsMaisel · 09/04/2022 09:53

[quote lollipoprainbow]@TheMarvelousMrsMaisel I'm seriously thinking of a sen school for next year. I'm worried how she will cope with mainstream secondary. The friendships is the biggest issue. Her friend and others from school call her on group chats but she refuses to answer as she hates her voice. I had the same issues as a child and don't want her to be as unhappy as I was ! [/quote]
Honestly do it! My DS is very behind so he got in without an issue. We've had a few transition days and the change in him is incredible. It's boosted his self esteem being around others like himself.

As for voice calls I'm the same, I found texts are easier to deal with. Please don't worry, maybe look to see if they are any autism groups in your area you could take her too as well? It helps being around similar people.

Furrbabymama87 · 09/04/2022 09:54

My 8 year old girl is the same. It's only recently she's made a proper little friend who is very similar to her. She's quirky and doesn't fit in with most of the other girls. She would always prefer to play things like chase with random groups of kids, mainly boys instead of having a proper friendship group. At 9 though, time during half term is usually spent with family, so I wouldn't worry too much. Could she do any groups like Brownies after school to try and meet more kids?

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 09/04/2022 09:55

Is your daughter bothered? I realise why it’s hard and upsetting for you but is she okay with being on her own a lot?

ofwarren · 09/04/2022 10:01

Was just going to say the same as the above poster? How does she feel about it? I'm autistic and am 43. I've never really had proper friends and I'm happy with that. I don't like what friendships entail, far too much stress for me.

urrrgh46 · 09/04/2022 10:05

Was going to second and 3rd @Calvinlookingforhobbes and @ofwarren I have several autistic children - most of them aren't In The slightest bit worried about having friends.

Mustardmusings · 09/04/2022 10:09

Also just to say I loved spending time with my mum at that age (still do!) I had friends too but I’m a bit of an introvert and enjoyed being on my own with my mum too. So I wouldn’t over worry x

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 09/04/2022 10:13

@Calvinlookingforhobbes @urrrgh46 @ofwarren @Mustardmusings you've all made me feel so much better !! No she doesn't seem bothered and is happy in her own space although sometimes she will get upset about not having any friends. I was the same as her and loved being with my mum we were very close. I guess it's peer pressure isn't it ? My friends kids (nt) all have loads of friends and endless play dates and it makes me feel sad that mine doesn't.

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Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 09/04/2022 10:15

@Furrbabymama87 she made a lovely friend last year and they spend hours on the phone to each other but another girl in the class swooped in a took her away and now my dd gets left out. That really did upset her and caused her major issues. She's calmed down about it all now. I'd love her to make just one friend !!

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ofwarren · 09/04/2022 10:18

I have a vivid memory of my mum arranging a play date for me without telling me. I was playing happily in my room and she sent some girl in to play. I was mortified and cried.

Not everyone enjoys play dates.

Mustardmusings · 09/04/2022 10:20

Friendship issues are one of the most stressful bits of having children. My eldest is introverted and does have friends (I think!) but also likes spending time with me at home. My mum is still my favourite person to spend time with outside of my immediate family.

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 09/04/2022 10:21

@ofwarren my dd is always enthusiastic about them and then gets bored and fed up after about an hour and wants to do her own thing which makes them very awkward !!

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Mustardmusings · 09/04/2022 10:21

@ofwarren

Sorry but that made me laugh Grin this is so true though there’s a lot of pressure to do that but some children are happy on their own.

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 09/04/2022 10:22

@Mustardmusings me too me and my mum were absolutely best friends, I've lost her to dementia now which is so sad.

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Teeturtle · 09/04/2022 10:24

[quote lollipoprainbow]**@Calvinlookingforhobbes* @urrrgh46* @ofwarren @Mustardmusings you've all made me feel so much better !! No she doesn't seem bothered and is happy in her own space although sometimes she will get upset about not having any friends. I was the same as her and loved being with my mum we were very close. I guess it's peer pressure isn't it ? My friends kids (nt) all have loads of friends and endless play dates and it makes me feel sad that mine doesn't. [/quote]
I was thinking similar to these posters. I had and still have similar traits and it was always more upsetting and stressful for me being asked about friends or feeling pressure to find friends than it was to actually be friendless. I think the same now to be honest (I am in my 50s).

Smartiepants79 · 09/04/2022 10:27

Can I just say that both my Dds are NT and have lots of friends but are still spending most of the holidays doing things with me. One is the same age as your Dd. She she has 2 extremely close friends but she still doesn’t see them in the holidays unless I make it happen! None of the other mums do. They’re mostly working.
I don’t think it’s unusual for kids their age to be at home with their mums.
It’s also a good point to note if SHE is actually bothered or are you projecting??

bluebaul · 09/04/2022 10:27

I think you need to get past the thinking of what she 'should' be doing. You view her having friendships etc as what a child of her age should be doing so you are taking a negative from her not doing that. She probably isn't though, and if she is it's your job to teach her that it's ok to be on your own.

As an autistic adult I can honestly see people far enough away from me, as a child I didn't quite fit and I was ok with it. DD wanted to fit but once she started to get a bit older and understand herself better she became more aware that being in her own was ok.

Now she is in high school and has a handful of friends; she isn't out socialising with them after school etc but it's enough for her just to have that contact during the day as she very much needs her downtime after a school day.

AHungryCaterpillar · 09/04/2022 10:31

Same for my dd, she has asd and only had one friend in school who left and Moved countries, couldn’t stay in contact as I had no idea she was leaving! Now dd has no friends at all,
Spends all holidays alone and no other friends in school.

Comedycook · 09/04/2022 10:31

My DD is 11...she's not autistic and she has friends at school but doesn't see them during the holidays. Despite being 11, their social lives are still very much governed by their parents. They organise playdates with the kids whose parents they like best! I also feel sad for her...she does everything in the holidays with me. Which is quite intense and exhausting to be honest

Comedycook · 09/04/2022 10:34

I don't think that this issue can solely be put down to having Sen. No doubt it's a contributing factor but nowadays kids don't just play out with whoever the nearest kids are. Their social lives are entirely orchestrated by their parents.

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 09/04/2022 10:37

@Comedycook yes I guess I'm thinking back to the good old days when friends knocked at the door and asked if you could play out, not that I ever had that !!

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Comedycook · 09/04/2022 10:41

[quote lollipoprainbow]@Comedycook yes I guess I'm thinking back to the good old days when friends knocked at the door and asked if you could play out, not that I ever had that !! [/quote]
It's really difficult. My DD has friends and is popular at school but never does playdates...the parents are very cliquey and don't really like me. A couple are nice and friendly though but people are often busy in school holidays and it's hard to get them to pin down a date. I spent most of my time in school holidays with my sister growing up. We had lots in common so it's was really good. My DD has an older brother and they have nothing in common so she effectively spends the holidays like an only child.

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