How does marriage work?

[ParrotHarriet]

I'm going to sound very naïve and I hope you all forgive me. I am actually a 30 something year old woman and I have a son and a failed relationship with my son's father.

I have been told he is abusive but this is not about this. This thread is off the back of the "stay together for the kids" thread which I am making my way through.

I have never got married. Nor do I have any desire to marry unless I met the man I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my days with. But I'm starting to wonder if that person exists. I suspect not.

I do wonder though, if a lot of couples stay together for their children at what point do they decide that actually their marriage is healed, or they are good enough friends that it is worth staying together into their later years. Does it just improve?

Obviously I understand that people split later down the line but staying together and working through things and comprising does it work out for both parties? That they both find happiness at the end of it all even if it isn't the honeymoon happiness they had in the beginning?

For a marriage to work both parties can't give 50% or less both parties have to give 100%

And of course the obvious, trust , loyalty and respect. If all these things are in a relationship then yes 100 % a marriage will work and can be a very happy one as I assure you a happy marriage does exist. But don't be deceived and think it's all sunshine and roses it's actually about how you deal with difficult times together, fair compromises and you must both work very hard at it. Marriage isn't easy it's not what you see on films but it can be very rewarding if successful

Having young DC is often the toughest part of a marriage and yet a time when having two people to share the load (even if unfairly) is a better option than being apart. Obviously finances play a huge part in this.

Later when the DC are older, people may typically be in a better financial situation and life becomes more fun then there is no reason to part ways.

FWIW we’ve been married 30+ years and have had great times and less great times but have never been close to splitting up. It’s just never been on our agendas.

I used to think marriage was about each person giving their all to another person. I don't believe that now. I believe we have to really love ourselves, nurture ourselves and then we can relate to the other. I think resentment slips in when you believe someone should be giving their all to you and they don't.

But when I see marriages in my family that have lasted - my grandparents, one set of grandparents my grandad cheated on my grandmother time and time again and left her whilst she had cancer and 4 young children. He came back and ever since they have bickered. There's always a power struggle going on. Yes they may have each other now but I don't think they're that happy.

My aunty was with my uncle for years. He was abusive. He died of covid when it first went around. She's never been happier. She was in an abusive relationship from the time she left home to the time she retired and he passed away. She wasn't ever happy.

My other aunty and uncle - still together but my aunty runs herself ragged taking care of him.

Another aunty and uncle. Together 35 years. They're now best friends in seperate rooms. She says she's happy but I'm not sure she is.

The only relationship I saw that was happy was my other set of grandparents. They were very independent of each other with their own hobbies and even their own sitting room each! But my grandad always held my nans hand, roses on her birthday ect and they were happy till he died. I think it's because he was the most uncontrolling but supportive man you could wish to meet.

I don't think you learn to live with someone who makes you miserable. I think you live with them and the bitterness and resentment sets in. Yes you might have someone that makes you a cup of tea or watches tv with you, but that won't keep you happy. Resentment is like rot, it grows and grows.

@Howmanydaysuntilfriday Saying “give 100%” is all very well, but what do you mean by that in practice? What does it look like in your life? How does it differ from 50%?

[quote teapoems]@Howmanydaysuntilfriday Saying “give 100%” is all very well, but what do you mean by that in practice? What does it look like in your life? How does it differ from 50%?[/quote]
All the obvious. Both people need to be the best versions of themselves. If one of you is down the other one brings the other up. If one person is happy or achieved something the other person is genuinely happy with them. Be each others biggest cheerleaders but also be the person who can tell them that they are wrongs support them when they are wrong. When hard times come for one it needs to be both of you who are in it and will get through it. Both need to be themselves and be able to say their true feelings. Both need to take what's been discussed on board. Both need to be a support system for one an other but also see the other person as their own persons and give them their space and freedom to pursue dreams, express their feelings, love how they want to live. Friendship and mutual respect are so important, so working on these things he'll build a strong marriage. That's what I mean by each give 100percent