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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Arranging contact

18 replies

CoffeeLover90 · 09/04/2022 08:39

Long story short, my abusive ex was removed by police just over a week ago. He has bail conditions to prevent contact with me. Through his mother and step dad I've had his possession collected from the house. Though they're still getting in touch for ridiculous things such as his easter egg and something he'd ordered off amazon, I paid for, that hasn't come yet.
Anyway I've told the social worker who visited on Mon that I want supervised access in a contact centre only. He drinks and smokes weed. His mam wants to supervise contact herself at her home. Firstly her home is filthy, really bad. The 4 adults in the home smoke heavily and indoors. In the past his mother has said she hadn't known ex was drinking as she couldn't tell, didn't know he had money and doesn't know what drink smells like. He then admits the next day he got the money from her to buy it and drank at her house. I've no faith at all that she would stop him drinking or smoking in front of DS, or that if anything happens she would tell me. DS has speech delay so couldn't say himself. Apart from saying that's what they want they have made no effort to call social services themselves or take anything any further. Social worker says they don't facilitate contact centres and he would need to take me to court, although I've since heard mediation could be used too. What am I supposed to do? Should I arrange it so I can't be accused of stopping contact?

OP posts:
barkingdogturfwar · 09/04/2022 08:40

Let him take you to court - that's if he actually does.

toddlingabout · 09/04/2022 08:43

There are charities out there that can give you more advice than I can. Could you get legal aid? If you are married and need to get divorced then get this done asap.

CoffeeLover90 · 09/04/2022 08:50

He'd never take me to court. He would rather buy drugs and drink but would have his family on my back about it. I know I can have legal aid as I'm arranging an injunction myself through solicitors. We're not married. Just no idea where to turn.
Also to point out he was paid yesterday, his mam contacted to ask for his easter egg (pathetic) but no offer to pay his phone bill, in my name or to ask if our son needs anything. He knows I have no money as he took the lot before he left.

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 09/04/2022 08:52

Let him take you to court

Vsirbdo · 09/04/2022 08:52

Just leave it until he goes to court; if he never does then so be it. You have good reasons not to want his mum to supervise contact and it’s not on you to organise an alternative

CoffeeLover90 · 09/04/2022 09:06

I suppose I was just worried about being seen as one of those parents that stands in the way for no good reason. The lack of maintenance doesn't bother me. I've brought him up singlehandedly from birth and he's never went without. DS doesn't even seem effected that he's not here. It's a heartbreaking situation to be in.

OP posts:
clpsmum · 09/04/2022 09:52

@CoffeeLover90

I suppose I was just worried about being seen as one of those parents that stands in the way for no good reason. The lack of maintenance doesn't bother me. I've brought him up singlehandedly from birth and he's never went without. DS doesn't even seem effected that he's not here. It's a heartbreaking situation to be in.
It's not without reason though. He drinks l, uses drugs and had to be removed by the police that's plenty of reasons to keep Your DC away from him. Ignore his family and so what is in the best interests of your DC. Let your ex take you to court for contact if he wants it
toddlingabout · 09/04/2022 11:25

Make a claim through CMS. Only allow supervised contact through a centre for now and potentially forever. Only concern yourself with what is best for you and your child. Consider moving somewhere he doesn't know where you are if you feel you are in danger. Contact Womens Aid for help and advice. You do not have to stay in contact with his family if you don't want to, do not feel pressured.

CoffeeLover90 · 09/04/2022 12:19

I'd rather remain amicable with his family and allow them to see DS with me there. In almost 3 years they've never asked to babysit or take him anywhere so if they asked now I'd say no. I'm in touch with women's aid among others. He's great at playing the victim and painting others in a bad light when he feels like it. SS agree contact should be supervised but can only facilitate between friends or family. Can't imagine they'd agree his mam would be suitable after what I've told them.

OP posts:
latriciamcneal · 09/04/2022 12:54

He's been deemed by the police to be a danger to you. If you put yourself around him it could be said you put yourself in danger. Don't do that.

Keep the baby away on the grounds you would like them to have contact but it's not safe given he drinks, smokes, and is violent.

Let him make an application for a contact order then follow the court's guidance on contact. Ask for supervised contact and always say you want the child to know their father, just safely.

AHungryCaterpillar · 09/04/2022 13:22

I’m pretty sure you was told on the last thread to let him take you to court if he wants contact? It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t that’s his choice not for you to sort out is it? If he doesn’t then he’s obviously not bothered about seeing your child.

Aimee1987 · 09/04/2022 13:27

Make a claim through cms. If his phone bill is on your name call them and cancel it.

Dont facilitate contact and let him take you to court.

I will add I am not a solicitor or have any legal knowledge so clarify these steps with somone like womens aid.

CoffeeLover90 · 09/04/2022 13:34

I wouldn't shame myself making a CMS claim. He's on benefits so it would be a pittance anyway. My DS never has and never will go without. I suppose I was just looking for reassurance that I'm not the one who's wrong here.

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 09/04/2022 13:58

Cut “his” phone off. Today. ASAP.
You’re not “shaming” yourself by claiming CMS, yes, it’s a pathetic pittance, but it’s for your son.

Steelesauce · 09/04/2022 14:00

Id just bin him and his family off and bring your dc up without the lot of em. As for CMS, I understand your feelings but my claim has come in handy. I don't get any money but he is being taken to court and its causing him lots of extra stress, which is what he deserves.

RandomMess · 09/04/2022 16:51

CMS is about the principle and will help towards his phone bill until you can end the contract.

If you feel you can welcome his family to visit DS at yours do that but stand firm that you you think Ex is a danger to DS due to his drug and drink abuse so he will need to take you to court/mediation to see DS.

You could offer weekly/twice weekly FaceTime?

CoffeeLover90 · 09/04/2022 17:14

I've looked into the CMS and it seems lengthy, contract ends in July. But I'm thinking about it though. After posting this I asked his mam if he has an intention of paying any money he owes and she said she'd ask but hasn't got back to me. We're not allowed contact with each other as part of his conditions but I've been nice enough to send photos to his mam. So I'm standing firm with the contact centre only and I'll leave it to them to sort out through a court.

OP posts:
FarmGirl78 · 09/04/2022 20:09

Although social services don't facilitate a contact centre themselves theres nothing to stop you arranging it yourself. Although they're typically used as a result of court ordered arrangements it's possible to self refer to most. There may be a registration fee (ours is £20, payable by whoever initiates contact the process) and then each hour supervised visit is £70. You could specify that he is to pay. Perhaps this would be an option for you? You wouldn't feel like the bad guy for withholding contact (which you totally wouldn't be even if you did!) and you'd feel reassured your DC was safe being supervised by someone official.

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