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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People show their true colours when someone dies.

15 replies

WeasilyPleased · 09/04/2022 00:23

I had 2 very close friends who never met because they were very different people and I did different things with them.
The closest friend died suddenly a month ago due to a medical error and it left me in bits.
The second friend was shocked, made all the right noises and suggested coming over for dinner on a particular date as she has done many times before, usually when she is having a bit of a crisis. Without judgement from me she describes her life as chaotic.
She didn't turn up. Didn't answer her phone. Posted on social media pictures of her in a pub with other people we knew.
I was extremely hurt and didn't get in touch. When she did, with a daft meme, I told her how she had hurt me at a time I needed her
She said she had an aversion to death. Who doesn't?!
She then started going on about some random she'd met in the pub. I told her I wasn't interested and that I thought she was self centred and left it there.
I haven't heard from her since. I don't really want to but I expect she'll bounce back into my dms when she thinks the dust has settled. AIBU to want to drift away from this friendship? It all feels a bit one-sided.
I don't trust my own instincts atm. I have bad agoraphobia and anxiety and am awaiting my mil from hell...sorry...Australia to descend in 10 days time.

OP posts:
Catflapkitkat · 09/04/2022 02:40

So sorry for your loss.

I think what you say is true. I think death and grief are probably the only taboos left.
A certainty for all of us but it certainly sorts the wheat from the chaff.

It was rude and hurtful of your friend to let you down when you needed a shoulder to cry on but I do think some people struggle with knowing what to do or say. The way you describe her - not turning up, but kicking her heels up in a pub and then being daft enough to post photos you would see, suggests she is quite immature. Her talking about a random pick up when confronted her adds to this. Only you know if the friendship is worth salvaging. Has she been a good friend in other ways? You say that she usually comes to you a lot as you have agrophobia, this suggests effort and an element of support. Remember it was your friend, and you are grieving. You wanted her to be there for you but now you know her limits. Good luck OP

romdowa · 09/04/2022 03:18

Tough times always reveal true friends. I'm sorry to say that this person doesn't sound like one. She got a better offer and ditched you.

OutingHobby · 09/04/2022 05:14

Even without the bereavement that was a horrible thing for her to do

Mercurial123 · 09/04/2022 05:16

She seems that she enjoys your attention when she has problems but is unable to give you support? I'd wait a few months and if you still feel the same end the friendship. Has she supported you in the past or is it all about her?

BobHadBitchTits · 09/04/2022 06:27

What a bitch.

Weatherwax13 · 09/04/2022 06:49

YANBU. I'm so sorry for your loss. Some people are breathtakingly selfish and cowardly in the face of bereavement.
"Aversion to death". I've heard it all now. When she gets back in touch say you've developed an aversion to her.
Hope you have other support OP.

NWQM · 09/04/2022 06:56

I too am sorry for your loss. How are you being supported with this?
I would try and focus on you at the minute. You can not rely on your other friend and you do not have to give up your energy into that friendship at this time.
If she is usually a decent friend she may realise and may make the effort. You decide then. I fear though she isnt really and with having your other friend you may have not noticed the lack of emotional support from this one.

MintJulia · 09/04/2022 06:58

Even without the bereavement, if she had agreed to come to supper, you'd gone to the effort of cooking and she'd just not shown up, I would have been pretty cross. How much effort does a text take?

And making it about her 'aversion' is totally self centred. Yanbu. Not a friend worth keeping.

pictish · 09/04/2022 07:30

Agree with others…taking your friend’s sad death out of the equation, what she did was incredibly rude anyway. Dreadful behaviour.
Never treat someone as a priority when they’ll only treat you as an option.

pictish · 09/04/2022 07:32

I’m glad you told her how her behaviour made you feel. She needed to hear it. Even if she continues on as if it’s all fine, she knows it’s not.
Good.

Flatandhappy · 09/04/2022 07:41

Not someone you need in your life. The person I thought of as my closest friend who I had supported endlessly for years let me down badly when my father died. I never spoke to her again and don’t regret it.

Silverclocks · 09/04/2022 07:44

When DH died, I lost a lot of friends. Some of the people I thought would be there through thick and thin just disappeared. It ws like now it's my turn to be the needy one, no one had anything to give.

However, some "acquaintances" really stepped.yp and have been amazing. It's definitely true you find out how your friends are.

Some of those friends are creeping back now, but I am very much keeping them at arms length.

Weewillywinkle · 09/04/2022 08:59

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend and how your other friend treated you. The pub incident must have hurt.

I think you do see a different side to people when it comes to death & serious illness. Some people just cannot cope with it and will turn away. It doesn't make them a bad person.

Others, it brings out the best, most nurturing side of them. People you are not even close too sometimes.

It also depends on their experiences. Have they lost a loved one? Do they have any idea what you are feeling? Or are they terrified of death and don't want to think or talk about it.

I have a lot of friends who are health professionals and they have lots of experience with death and dying. They are the absolute best as there is no awkwardness around it - they don't have the same taboos around death.

buckeejit · 10/04/2022 00:53

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think it's tough. A lot of people are shit with death. My mum died 3 months ago from brain cancer. We found out at the start of June, it was inoperable more or less & they gave her 3 months. Nursing her the last few months was seriously hard, but with a lot of effort from family we managed to keep her at home. My friend of 30+ years was a letdown to say the least & that was very disappointing & somehow made me feel like a failure. I've just distanced myself & she's stayed quiet after apologising for not turning up for the funeral. She's a counsellor & I can't believe she didn't handle it better whatever, if anything, was going on with her.

I do think grief amplifies emotions. I do not think I will be able to get over this friend not messaging to say she wasn't coming to the funeral after Saying she was. Maybe time will heal but you don't owe anyone anything so you can choose to try to connect or not. I'd give yourself some breathing space for a bit.
💐

Newhousesad · 10/04/2022 03:16

Sorry for your loss. She sounds awful Flowers

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