To think I may have selective mutism?

[mutedmind]

I've always been really shy, but lately I've wondered if it is selective mutism. For example, when I join a work call I can't ever just say 'hi' unless it's a 1:1 meeting. I have a weekly call with 4 colleagues and I can never just say 'hi' first once I've joined. If they say hi, I'll say hi back, but if they don't I won't say it. Sometimes I've been in calls and not uttered a single word, which I feel awful about afterwards, but I just can't do it. There's not really a nervous feeling or anything, it's like my brain just won't let me speak unless someone invites me to by directly asking me.

Sometimes there will be things I know about and know the answer and I just can't speak and say it. Sometimes when making small chat and something is relevant to me I just can't say it. For example, if my colleagues ask if anyone is going to the office on X day and I am, I can't say it. If they then say '[my name], are you coming to the office on Tuesday?' then I can answer.

I don't have personal experience, but it does sound to me like you want to speak but find you can't? Which isn't shyness per se. What specifically stops you? Is it anxiety? Overthinking? Or something more physical?

It can also be an autistic thing if you only respond when the statement is addressed directly to you. I thought it was an anxiety thing at first as I have a similar thing but if you don’t have a nervous feeling, racing heart etc then its probably not. I had never heard of selective mutism until someone shared a Facebook group about it on the teaching page I’m on. It might be worth having a look on that group

I am similar OP. Also there are times when I just can’t speak at all. I’ve done whole dinners where I’ve literally said nothing, unless someone has asked me a direct question. But other times I am ok, so it doesn’t feel like just shyness?

It sounds like it could be. How do you go talking to people at home? SM usually means people speak freely around those familiar in the family, but don't tend to be able to talk outside it easily, more or less so in different situations. If you have this then I'd also query whether you are autistic. You'd need to get an assessment done with someone who has experience and knowledge of autism in adult females and selective mutism.

I was a selective mute child (unless with parents). Aged 7 I progressed to whispering and by 12 I spoke but was still shy.

I don’t know what triggered it and it bothers me every day. Been examined for autism twice and had it ruled out twice. I had no childhood trauma.

But I am similar to how you describe now. Whenever I start a new job 6 months in I won’t really have gotten to know many of my colleagues. Yet people who’ve started after me have friends. I genuinely don’t know how they do it.

When people try to talk to me and engage with me I’m pre-programmed to just give the same generic answers. My brain shuts down, I don’t even think I just blurt. Usually my answer to “How are you?” when asked how I am at work is “I’m tired” to the point that it’s become a running joke among colleagues that I will always respond that I am tired. I say it even when I’m not tired. When people ask what I’ve been up to, it’s always “I’ve just been at home”. Even if that isn’t true, I forget it in the moment and can only give the most basic answer.

After a couple of months in all jobs I’ve had people have decided that I must be simple and a bit thick, and so start patronising me. I actually have a degree.

@machinimiacrinj There can be a genetic component to this. SM and trauma based mutism are very different.

I'm not sure it is selective mutism. People I have known with it, don't speak atall even when prompted.

The things you describe I experience too but it is due to being autistic.

I did grow up with a non-verbal autistic brother though so my personal theory is I’m not autistic myself but in crucial development years I picked up behaviour from him.

Sorry I don’t mean to hijack your thread and make it about me, but this thread really resonates with me because I know how you feel and the frustration.

Today people at work were discussing a local restaurant that I love and I so wanted to join the conversation but I couldn’t.

There’s times I’ve really forced myself and tried but I stumble over my words. Also sometimes people don’t seem to understand my voice. Even if they have the same (local) accent as me and I am talking at a normal volume. I wonder if what I’m saying and hearing in my head is different to what is actually coming out of my mouth.

@machinimiacrinj your post really resonates with me. I barely spoke until around the age of 6 and again mostly whispers. When people say "hello how are you? " (or similar) I alway say "good ta, how are you?" Sometimes im mortified as I realise I sound quite common but I find it hard not to say it. My brain will often fog when asked questions even ones I know the answer to. I especially struggle with open questions eg "how's the kids?" Sometimes I lie about something, it's not intentional but I genuinely think I know something then when I've had time to think about it realise I don't, this could be saying "oh a friends on holiday" then realising later I only think she's on holiday because I've not seen her, she's not actually confirmed it. A lot of the time I find it hard to speak in group chat and will stay silent but then sometimes I'll have something to say and will blurt it out then feel embarrassed. The worst thing is I love social events and want to be included I just really struggle once I'm there. Im on wait list for asd assessment.

@autienotnaughty

Yes, I stick to a very specific script because if I veer off it it’s just mayhem but I just come across as antisocial and awkward. It’s automatic to just respond with your set sentence, isn’t it? Like an ingrained body function like breathing. Every single day the same coworker tries to engage with me and asks how I am EVERY single time I respond “I’m okay, just tired.”

I’m not even nervous about speaking to people, I don’t think it’s anxiety. But when I try and answer questions such as “How are you?” properly it’s a trainwreck. My words get jumbled and mixed up and out of order. And even on the occasions I’ve sounded okay to myself, the other person hasn’t been able to understand me and I’ve had to repeat it several times, but mostly I’ll give up.

I’ve been told by my dad that I speak lazily. I now make effort to pronounce all words properly but it’s made no difference. I’ll go up to my boss to ask a simple question such as “Has the printer been fixed yet?” and he just WON’T understand me. Even though we have the same local accent and I speak up. It happens with many people. I don’t understand it. I’ll be stood there like a twit repeating “I was just asking whether the printer has been fixed yet.” clearly for him to understand and yet he just won’t be able to. People can’t seem to ‘tune in’ to me. I worry myself over it. I’ll be say thinking “I want to go over to X’s desk and congratulate him on his new baby but last time I spoke to him he didn’t understand me.”

I can only assume I’m hearing things I say differently to how it actually sounds.

@autienotnaughty

I also assume things and it becomes my reality until I see otherwise.

More correctly, I didn’t used to have anxiety about speaking to people at work and social events (as an adult, child me is a different kettle of fish) but now I do because I’ve realised there’s some kind of block there.

I'm ok at home, and I'm also ok in a lot of situations where people with social anxiety struggle (I can speak on the phone ok, speak to doctors, waiters, shop assistants ok - but I feel like it's because I'm almost playing a role of 'The Polite Customer' or 'The Engaged Patient'). I remember when I was around 12 a friend and I used to walk to school and she told me that she noticed when as we got nearer to school I'd get quieter, I'd go from chatting away at the beginning of the walk to silent as we walked into school

My younger brother has autism. I don't think I have autism myself, but I know it's a spectrum and can present differently in women... To be honest, it was difficult growing up with an autistic brother as I had to watch every single thing I said as sometimes I'd say things and it would trigger a meltdown for him which my parents would then blame me for

It definitely feels like a block. I just can't speak, it's like my brain doesn't even know it's an option.

I'm the same with having scripts, my go-to response to 'how are you?' is 'good thanks, you?', I say it without thinking, but it's because I'm also trying to push the attention off of myself and onto them

I was talking about this with one of my DC who has ASD and dyslexia as he sometimes struggles to get his voice heard in group discussions at university. His "hypothesis" is he sometimes doesn't notice he isn't contributing because he is thinking about what everyone is saying and his constant "inner monologue" is making his points, just not out loud. When he does have something to say (or remembers he hasn't said anything out loud so needs to join in), he finds it hard to interject without interrupting. He has slower verbal processing speed so he thinks he is that little bit behind in the conversation so other people get in a second before him. He also wonders if he misses some tiny cues that the person who is speaking is about to finish what they are saying. He doesn't have any issues with 1 to 1 conversations, although he can monopolise them sometimes.

If you brother has autism, you may have some traits, even if not enough for a diagnosis.

I had this at school. I was bright and would often know the answer to a question posed to the class but just couldn’t bring myself to speak up. On the very rare occasions I put my hand up I would always be chosen because it was so unusual for me to do it!

I still have the instinct to clam up and really have to force myself in zoom meetings. I share a tiny percentage of the thoughts I’m actually having during the meeting.

I do this but I don't think anything of it. I just see it as part of being quiet and not having an assertive personality.

[quote machinimiacrinj]@autienotnaughty

I also assume things and it becomes my reality until I see otherwise.[/quote]
Yes I'm the same, I will talk about things say a place I've been to and assume nobody else knows anything about the place. It just doesn't occur to me they might have been too!

I don't know enough about SM to say that it is but a lot of what you describe I've seen in people with social anxiety. How good are you with when you have whatever meeting it is with your manager to discuss your work progress? Are you usually able to hold your corner?

I find a lot of small talk pretty useless but it's a good skill to learn to do even if it feels excruciating.

I’m a bit similar, i hate teams calls and often add to chat rather than speaking up. Is your team nice enough you can address it, and ask them to speak to you directly about things like office days?

This sounds a lot like me. I just don't enjoy talking, the whole process of it, thinking of something to say, it coming out right, being boring, trying to be funny. I dont think I've got anything particularly interesting to say. I'm not really interested in engaging with people other than my close friends and family. If people try to chit chat I just keep my answers short and put it back onto them, I think most other people like chatting about themselves and they probably think I'm a good listener.