Why do I feel guilty about getting a cleaner, where as I have no guilt on going out for meals out

[LovelyYellowLabrador]

Probably eat out once a week, have no problems with it

Really want a cleaner, can afford it
It gives someone else wages
Yet I feel guilty lazy and like I’m some sort of incapable person like I can cope with life
When really we are perfectly capable of doing it we just don’t want to
I don’t understand why I feel like the is about it

I have noticed an attitude in Britain that’s it somehow more virtuous to do your own cleaning, and having a cleaner is wildly decadent.

Don’t fall for it. It’s a scam. Having a cleaner is great and I have absolutely no shame in outsourcing the shit I hate. I don’t have to do it, and someone is employed. Not seeing the problem.

Female socialisation. Cleaning is Woman's Work, and any woman trying to get out of her rightful burden is getting above herself. It's a very pervasive attitude.

Good cleaners are very hard to find and prices have shot up since Covid.

I feel the same my husband is pushing for us to have a cleaner but I would feel like I’d have to clean before they got here otherwise they’d be judging me. And that my family would think I was lazy! We are moving soon, when we do I will finally cave

Between moving out of rental and buying we had a gap of a month. We rented a holiday home and were offered the services of a cleaner by the owner. During that month the cleaner came every week and because they place was small,I did very little housework that month. The oven didn’t work properly so didn’t do much cooking either.

It made me realise how much difference a cleaner makes. For six months we had a cleaner after we moved into the house and then I took it over again because I felt guilty.

I lost the cleaner’s number and the agency closed . I really wish I had kept going with the cleaner now. It made such a massive difference.

@HardyBuckette

Female socialisation. Cleaning is Woman's Work, and any woman trying to get out of her rightful burden is getting above herself. It's a very pervasive attitude.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there.

HardyBuckette
Female socialisation. Cleaning is Woman's Work, and any woman trying to get out of her rightful burden is getting above herself. It's a very pervasive attitude.
I think you've hit the nail on the head there.

Yes, I concur. See also child rearing. I am seen as “odd” for not wanting a child. I do clean, but only because I can’t currently budget for a cleaner and have the time. When I am busier and am budgeting better, I would love a cleaner.

Thanks.

I don't have nor particularly want a cleaner either, but if we did have one I don't doubt for a second that I'd be much more likely to come in for criticism and comment than DH. See also, the argument that women who have cleaners are Bad Feminists exploiting other women but men having them, including when they're members of the same household as the women being discussed, doesn't even merit a mention.

I have the same attitude as you OP.

I could afford a cleaner but don't have one (and my house is often unclean!)

I think there are a few things for me:

• I see a lot of wealthy people just lose touch with reality when they outsource everything. All of life's little inconvenient tasks are replaced with 'gossip and shopping' type of lifestyle.

• I don't like people going through my things, which a cleaner will inevitably do

• There is something about being proud of your house because you did it. Not because you paid someone else to do it. That's complicated because people will say 'who cares' but I do actually think that about immaculate houses, I think "yeah you've got a cleaner and it costs you to get it like this"

• I just think it keeps you grounded having to do things for yourself - I know people say it means you can go and do other things, but those other things strike me as being pretty vacuous too (see shopping and gossip). I can see that there may be things that you do that have some meaning instead of cleaning, but my experience is that is not the reality at all

I don't like people going through my things, which a cleaner will inevitably do

eh ?
I've had a lovely cleaner for some years, and she has never gone through my things. What an odd perception to have

I know people say it means you can go and do other things, but those other things strike me as being pretty vacuous too (see shopping and gossip). I can see that there may be things that you do that have some meaning instead of cleaning, but my experience is that is not the reality at all

Also not my experience.
The people I know that have a cleaner, have someone clean their house, whilst they are working doing the job they are paid for.
Like most of us, I suspect, it was really hard to keep all the plates spinning when I was younger - WOTH, being a parent, all the 'stuff' that needs doing to keep the house, cars, family running between dh and I, etc etc. Now I am older, and we have more income available after necessary bills, then we choose to have a cleaner because it makes our lives easier. I don't sit around gossiping and quite frankly I dislike shopping. I work in my paid employment, and then have weekends and evenings free to follow hobbies and do things I like to. do.
Those people that I know who have cleaners, are in the same position as me - WOTH, and choosing to spend money on a cleaner each week rather than a takeaway, or putting towards other things that people consider treats.

@LovelyYellowLabrador we pay ours £18ph x 4hr a week. It’s the best money we spend every week. She’s more like a housekeeper in terms of what she does for us, and if she was free for more hours, I’d happily pay them. Keeps our household running. She is my greatest luxury from a mental health perspective.

I feel exactly the same as you OP. Going out for a meal is a nice treat,
nicer food than I would make at home (or at least different) and there's a social aspect- even if I were to only go out with DH we would talk to each other over a meal out rather than eating in front of the TV as we do at home.

Getting a cleaner in does seem like a lazy extravagance to me. Although, I work part time hours . In a home wheee both adults work full time and you can afford it, it doesn't seem such an extravagance.

Obviously other people have different priorities and may prefer to cook for themselves but employ someone to come in and clean.

A lot of interesting points on here about why it seems lazy to employ a cleaner though. I hadn't really considered before - I think you are all correct.

It's because it feels like getting a servant. It's inviting someone into your home to clean up mess you made and there's a big power imbalance there. See the series 'Maid' on Netflix. That's where the awkward feeling would come from.
The idea of it being beneficent to give someone work strikes me like a date I once went on to the cinema. At the end he left a hideous mess of popcorn and drinks and napkins on the floor and said, if he didn't, they wouldn't need cleaners and then the cleaners wouldn't have a job. He didn't get a second date.
It's a delicate thing, how to make the work nice for the person, not take advantage and not convey the feeling that they are less than you because the work is personal and unskilled and until very recently seen as belonging to a servant underclass.
I have some relatives who have among other staff (like saying crate when you mean cage) a driver they've had for many years. 'Oh, he's like family! We love him!' they say. One hot summer day he picked me up at the airport and drove me to their house. When we arrived, he was given a cold glass of orange juice. Outside. Waiting on the front step. Because he wasn't allowed in.
I couldn't reconcile all that kind of madness. Less stressful to clean up my own house.

Maybe a throw back to days gone by when domestic staff were very badly paid and often badly treated?

These days domestic cleaning is so different. Commercial work not so much. Hire someone and treat them just like any other professional service.

Enjoy.

@ReadtheReviews

It's because it feels like getting a servant. It's inviting someone into your home to clean up mess you made and there's a big power imbalance there. See the series 'Maid' on Netflix. That's where the awkward feeling would come from. The idea of it being beneficent to give someone work strikes me like a date I once went on to the cinema. At the end he left a hideous mess of popcorn and drinks and napkins on the floor and said, if he didn't, they wouldn't need cleaners and then the cleaners wouldn't have a job. He didn't get a second date. It's a delicate thing, how to make the work nice for the person, not take advantage and not convey the feeling that they are less than you because the work is personal and unskilled and until very recently seen as belonging to a servant underclass. I have some relatives who have among other staff (like saying crate when you mean cage) a driver they've had for many years. 'Oh, he's like family! We love him!' they say. One hot summer day he picked me up at the airport and drove me to their house. When we arrived, he was given a cold glass of orange juice. Outside. Waiting on the front step. Because he wasn't allowed in. I couldn't reconcile all that kind of madness. Less stressful to clean up my own house.

This sums it up for me perfectly. I feel very uneasy about that servant /employer dynamic. I don’t know how to behave or what to say. Do you offer them a cup of tea? What do you say if they don’t do a good job? Etc.

I can’t afford one. But think more people should hire services if you can afford it. It’s good to spread your wealth around.

@Kite22

I work full-time, am a single parent household and have a 4 bed house.
I also have a lot of hobbies.

And I don't ever eat takeaways.

Still don't have a cleaner

Not sure why you have tagged me @hamstersarse ?