DS stays with dad 2 nights per week

[Ellerehj]

So as the title says, my DS (6) stays with my ex from Thursday (after school) until Saturday evening every week.

He wants to do a 'one week on, one week off' arrangement.
For a bit of context why I think he is BU

He works 9-5.30 and DS would spend most of his afternoon at after school club / childminder

I work from home and my whole life fits around being there for DS, his doesn't.

Amongst many many other reasons but logistically I think our current arrangement is reasonable

If your DC goes between houses. How much time do you think is fair? Is 2 nights a week unreasonable?

When you say ' he wants Week on week off'
Do you mean ex or son?

Fair i guess is 50/50 on the parents. But it's what's best for the child.

Realistically ex could take son to school then it's just childcare in the evenings. But I this its a bit sill when your and home and willing to have him.

Could you compromise and ex have an extra few nights in the week, picking him up at half 5 and having dinner bath bed with his dad?

Or is this just the typical ex doesn't want to pay Maintenance?

What does your child want ?

I don’t think his working hours are obstructive to having his son more. If you’re wfh are you really engaged with him during the hours he’d otherwise be in childcare? What does your son want?

He probably wants some weekend time free plus some full weekends with da which I guess is fair (especially the full weekend? Can you arrange more of an EOW plus a couple of nights midweek?

IIRC, studies done on this have said that children benefit from having a primary home and a secondary home, rather than a 50/50 split. As PP said, it's not supposed to be about what's fair for the adult, but what's fair for the child. Could he have him from Thursday night?

What does your son want? If he's happy with the arrangement and is aware that he'd be in childcare then you'd struggle to fight it. But my 7 year old would be strongly opposed to this, he struggles to go to his dads at the weekend so he'd be miserable with 50/50.

50/50 might be "fair" on the parents but it's not always in the best interests of the child particularly if they are bonded to one parent more than the other.

Be careful your ex hasn't suggested this idea as a way to get out of paying maintenance, whilst in reality you might still be lumbered with more than half of the costs.

Talk to your son.
You , alone, do not get to decide what is best for your son.
If your ex wants more time then discuss it with him or go to court.

Probably should have mentioned, every week I have my son in tears saying he doesn't want to go. He just wants to stay at home.

We've just been through mediation to decide this routine but he's (ex) already speaking about increasing the days.

Have you asked your DS why he gets so upset about going to his dad’s? Does your ex know about this? What is your DS like when is is there?

Does your ex want one full week at yours and one full week at his?

I think it depends on the circumstances as to why you split and the relationship between him and your son.

The way I see it, if the shoe was on the other foot would you be happy having your son 2 nights a week? I personally wouldn't.

However like PP said, your son needs a home, your ex doesn't seem to have his best interests at heart if he is considering a one week on/off situation in the case that your son is in tears and doesn't want to go there..

If you just mediated this and he wants to change it already, maybe he's realised that it's causing problems. If he's met someone, not unreasonably he'll be wanting to have some Friday nights and Saturdays free.

Is the 50/50 motivated by actually wanting to see your DC more or thé désiré not go have to pay maintenance?

Is there a new girlfriend on the scene?

You cannot hold him working 9-5:30 against him as many parents work full time and use childcare.

Is 6 too young to be discussing these matters with? It seems young for them to decide what they want to do. But you could talk about why he doesn’t want to go to his dads and take it from there. What’s your relationship like with your ex? If ex is saying one week at his and next week at yours I’d not be having that at all. A week without a parent is a lot for a little one.

The needing childcare won't fly as a reason, but equally it's not about what's 'fair' to your Ex or you, it's supposed to be about what's best for DC. If this is motivated by Ex wanting to have every second weekend free you could move to a EOW plus 2 nights midweek on the other week routine. If he thinks 50/50 is in DC best interests then he needs to articulate why and have a discussion around what your DC need.

Yes I wouldn't be asking 6 year old, they're just as likely to tell each parent they want to be with them or change their mind if they've recently been told off or not allowed something they wanted. At this age it's up to the parents to work out what's best, with the help of a trained professional if needed to give a less biased account of DC wants. Asking what worries him about going to Dad's place is different then asking how much time he wants with each parent.

I dont think the days your ex has dc just now is great, you never have any weekend time with dc, and ex never has a free weekend?
Would 1 or 2 nights mid week work , then every other weekend?

Young children need a base. That is reason enough. Yes it’s unfair to the non resident parent but the needs of the child come first. I don’t know many kids that age that have thrived with a 50/50 set up. Most miss the resident parent too much (often the mum). I have seen it work a bit better at age 10. But by teenage years kids usually want a base again as the practicalities of moving between homes becomes too complicated.

How old is your son? Is ex doing it to have 50/50 and not pay or is he a good dad ?

I dont see how 50/50 here benefits the child at all.