With regards to grandparents

[yetanothername]

In deciding they can't see ds (3) unsupervised.

The in-laws live in another country so we don't actually see them much, but when we do it's usually for a block of time.

There is a HUGE issue and some smaller ones. The huge issue is that a few days before we returned from the US this Christmas I discovered they hadn't been fastening ds into his car seat. It has a flimsy plastic chest thing which I assume is to keep the belts from sliding off his shoulders, it's not even as "strong" as a pushchair fastener, but they haven't actually been fastening the harness between his legs. They know how to do it as they've done it previous years (of course now I'm wondering if they have). I had even fully explained how to lengthen and shorten it from when he has a thicker or thinner coat on. MiL's answer to this when I brought it up was "I guess I wasn't listening".

I couldn't even bring myself to confront them, neither could dh when I told him, we were both shocked, just shocked, I mean if they can't see that that is wrong themselves what hope did we have? We decided that they need to be treated as irresponsibly as they are and aren't allowed to look after ds without supervision. Which we did for the remaining couple of days. It hasn't come up yet but it will. I don't believe we are being unreasonable... But I blame myself as well. When ds was 3 months old I was having problems getting the seatbelt in my sil's car around the car seat and mil went "oh it'll be alright".

It's not just that of course. I think I've been very reasonable in being more laid back about what they do with him and what they feed him. Yet despite this they sneak things to him. MiL always has candy in her bag that she feeds him on demand then comments that he hates this or that food. I found out every day they had him they gave him McDonalds and FiL sneaks him pop. I even gave in last year as he was 3 and said I didn't mind pop with sugar in, preferably more "natural" but I drew the line at artificial sweeteners. And though I am not a fan of crappy fast food it's not going to kill him so I don't mind now and again. Yet still they do it. Which we found out when ds said to FiL in DH's hearing "Only when no-one is around". I am just so angry they are teaching him it's okay to be sneaky behind your parents back. He's only 3 ffs.

This along with comments like he's their reason for living (not much pressure for a little boy there) and you don't know love until you've been a grandparent. And when am I going to have a little girl as MiL always wanted a little girl (DH is an only child by their choice).

I cannot understand it. I cannot understand their version of love which does not include care for a person's physical well-being. I fear they see ds as just an object to fulfill their selfish emotions, like it feels good to them to feed him so much crap, and it feels good to have him to cuddle and play with and never mind those petty annoyances like protecting his life in the event of a car accident.

YANBU - as regards the car seat belt issue - I would be furious if my parents/in-laws/others did this with my son.

The other stuff, to be honesty, sounds quite trivial, esp. if you see them rarely. Spoiling grandchildren w. sugar, toys etc seems to be part of the grandparent/grandchild relationship - they probably do it more cause they are so distant. When I used to go and stay w. my gran once a year I lived on chocolate and late nights - it was never a problem cause it was only 1 week a year. But then my gran was if anything more protective of my physical safety (other than tooth decay) than my mum and dad.

this is classic in law stuff!!

yes they have to see your child - however irritating they are - for no other reason than it is important for your child to know that he has family who adore him

BUT you have to make it clear about the seatbelts - next time they plan to see him say 'we are really worried about the seatbelt - it is law to wear them and obviously important - do you want to borrow ours if yours doesn't do up very well' or something along those lines?

If she is vague again - you need to say - i think it best you dont take him in the car then - how about the park' or whatever

It's the fact that the fast food and pop and rubbish is so deliberately behind your back that is a problem to me. My parents and inlaws will indulgently spoil dd with an extra biscuit or chocolate for breakfast or whatever rubbish they think she ought to have, but I'm very much in on the 'joke'. Grandparents are allowed to bend rules but not to systematically teach your son to be duplicitous and undermining of your way of doing things.

If I were in your position, I'd let them see as much of your child as they like, but always be there myself (or have dh there). It means less free time for you and they may notice that you're not allowing them to be alone with their gc - but that's tough. They can hardly order you away, and they can't complain you're not letting them access to gc. It's just that you'll be there to ensure things are done the way you want them.

Why oh why do they do it? My MIL is completely cantancarous (sorry bad spelling) and has also been irresponsible (took dd1 out all the day in freezing weather with no coat). But the car seat thing is shocking, it's a matter of life and death. Some grandparents have a v confused notion of love ... feed the child crap all day, so they end up in a massive hyper tamtrum. Whatsmore, they seem to think it's their duty to behave that way. Arragggh!

I am trying to play devils advocate and would say it is a generational thing. They didnt have car seats when their kids were small, but there was less cars on the road then and they weren't as fast.

This is your child and you need to make it clear that he will go in a safe seat or he doesn't go in the car at all.

With regards to the food I get the feeling you feel a little bit bullied into letting it go that he has pop and junk food when you would rather he didn't as they don't see him a lot. What is it about food like that that people think it is a treat? No wonder our kids grow up with food issues. What is it about letting them eat crap that is a treat? A nice apple pie/fruit salad after a lovely chicken casserole, etc etc should be the message.

Agree with Elastic. Make sure your MIL is supervised. My DP now has to take time off work when MIL is staying as she can be v pushy, always wants to take kids out alone but is not v responsible. Now DP goes too, MIL thinks it's great as she gets to spend time with her DS.

NAb3 Agree about the food thing.

Thanks, I feel much better now. I don't know why I was even questioning my own judgment. It's just we have had lots of issues over the past 10 years and I didn't want to be acting out of spite or anything because I still have resentment over the "family meeting" where they had a list of grievances against me. That was so wonderful when I was a sleep deprived first time mum. Especially the bit where MiL said she wanted to punch me and mocked me crying.

NAB - you are exactly right that I feel a bit bullied into letting him have that kind of food so much. They have a completely dysfunctional relationship with food, bad food = love apparently, no matter how much it may damage your health. MiL usually has a few bites of a proper meal, complains about the taste of it, then snacks on popcorn, crisps and ice-cream... and she's type 2 diabetic. FiL adds butter and masses of salt to every meal! He has double cream on cereal and porridge!

Needless to say dh had huge food issues when I met him and I have demons of my own, but we've been so careful not to pass these on to ds so far and I think we've done well. I have just asked them to make sure it's balanced out with proper food, but they prefer fast and snack food and seem to have this mentality that "proper" food is a chore.

At least my own parents only have him addicted to pork pies hand made from a proper butcher!

yuckihate... - I wish they seemed to care about spending time with their own son! They much prefer their grandson over him!

They are just your child's grand parents. You are his parents and have full say over what happens with him. If they don't like it, tough.

I will repeat that to myself.

Your MIL said she wanted to punch you and mocked you crying?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

And you still see this woman? I would never ever ever see her again for being so foul. And I would have to be persuaded to let her see my DCs too. You and your DCs come as a package. If she's not able to show you respect as their mother, then she can get lost.

Sounds like they're not long for this world anyway if their eating habits are as you describe.

YANBU. You do not have to hand your DS into the care of his grandparents if you do not think that the care they give is adequate.

It'sGrimUpNorth - ack, I sound weak don't I... I'm not in every other area of my life, but dh is an only child and I felt I should work at things for him and my ds, even though dh doesn't care too much for them and I grew up with only one grandparent in my life and it didn't do me any harm.

I always persuaded myself they have good points as well... but this is it, I do blame myself, because I've willfully ignored their character flaws so ds can have a relationship with them and while I actually never expected it to come to something as huge as the carseat issue, I really should have realised that such a thing could have been possible. I mean I only know more now because ds is a chatterbox and repeats things, otherwise I would've still been in the dark. I trusted them to follow our wishes and expected them to do it, when I should have known better.

Well, you're very strong for being able to see past their faults for the sake of their relationship with your DS. They don't know how lucky they are. They could have ended up with me as a DIL!

But when it comes to personal attacks on you and feeding your son cr*p food that you would rather he didn't have, then I would simply put my foot down and say either they comply or they don't get to see him.

GPs should respect parents. Parenting is hard enough without others undermining your wishes.

They sound really horrible people.

YANBU at all, it is a privilage for grandparents to have and spend time with their grandchildren. You are the parent, you get to make the decisions regarding your DS not them.

Good on you for being so understanding in the past. They obviously don't realize how good a DIL they have.

yetanothername Do you have any family? I ask as a mother who has no family and therefore my children only have one set of Grandparents and they will be fine. They would be much worse if they had them believe me. So while it is admirable that you want to maintain a relationship with your ILs for the sake of your child, sometimes the price could be too high. Not suggesting you drop them, just that you don't accept everything at all costs just to have them in your child's life.

NAB - yes I do have family, my mum is fab, my dad is... er.. eccentric, but both respect us as parents even if they don't agree with us all the time. In fact my mum annoys me sometimes with wanting to make sure she does things right, I'm really not that uptight! In my own case, my Grandads had all passed away before I was born and my Grandma couldn't really care less about us because she already had a huge amount of grandchildren and great-grandchildren. We just had my Nanna and that was perfectly fine with us (sis, bro and I).

Okay, well, the line has been drawn in the sand. They've had their chances. We'll see how things pan out, whether they can take it graciously or get bitter. When we changed our mind about moving back to the US they used to ring dh up and tell him we had no consideration for their feelings and that we were selfish and that we'd ruined their lives by keeping their grandson away from them and that the UK is a third world country (I'm the Brit, DH is American) and we would be living in poverty, so I'm getting my armour on in case things go bad. But I suppose that would only make things easier.

Why oh Why oh Why can't families just get along?

Well not so great so far. How could we do this to them, his dad says he's going back to "my alcohol" so he doesn't have to think about all this "bullshit".