To ask what I’m best to do to support DH and his family on death of DMIL

Stylishkidintheriot · 2022-04-08T11:26:17+00:00

Hi, NC for this one as it would be identifying to my friends and family. My beautiful MIL passed away a few days ago: quite suddenly. She was the most beautiful, lovely, kind woman and the glue of the family. Of course I am devastated and upset, but my heart is more breaking for DH, DFIL and DSIL on their loss. Can anyone give me some tips on what I can best do to support them all through this. This is all new territory for us.

Butchyrestingface · 08/04/2022 12:28

I would have found practical support very helpful when my mother dropped dead. Help with sorting funeral arrangements, calling friends and family, cancelling cards/appointments, etc.

Didn't get any of it, of course. But it would have been appreciated.

Condolences on your loss.

Original poster

Stylishkidintheriot · 08/04/2022 12:35

Thanks! DH is doing a lot of that with DFIL while I’m doing all the childcare. DS has been playing up a wee bit the last few days: I think it’s probably a bit confusing for him

OP posts:

Chely · 08/04/2022 12:39

All you can do is pick up all the day to day stuff you are able to and allow them time to grieve. Ask if they need/want help with anything. Support for times like this are very individual so tips are hit and miss.
Condolences to all

DebtheSander · 08/04/2022 12:46

I’m so very sorry for your loss

My DH was very close to his DM and she was a wonderful woman. We miss her terribly.

What helped with us was that in those first few weeks, I took over everything with our house and the dc. I did it to free DH up so that he could concentrate on what he needed to do. I made sure that we still had family time together but short and sweet. My DH simply didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with tantrums, food shopping, decision making etc.

But I knew this because sadly, I had lost my Dad the year before and felt completely numb. All I could really do was get myself up, dressed and exist. I found gardening to be really soothing. But I had zero patience for anything else.

For both of us, once the funerals were done, we slowly but surely returned to our usual daily activities. But it was very, very hard at times as the grief can be overwhelming.

My biggest piece of advice is limit the demands on his time/energy and don’t expect him to make decisions. Take as much as the load as you can without breaking your own back.

JudgeJ · 08/04/2022 12:52

@Stylishkidintheriot

Thanks! DH is doing a lot of that with DFIL while I’m doing all the childcare. DS has been playing up a wee bit the last few days: I think it’s probably a bit confusing for him

Your husband will be feeling torn, he will be wanting to support his devastated father and possibly having to keep his own emotions in check. You could be the person who encourages him to put himself and his feelings first when you're alone and be there for any of the dozens of jobs that accompany a death.

DoItAfraid · 08/04/2022 12:55

Sorry for your loss. 💐.

My sister died unexpectedly which is not the same as MIL but what was appreciated was:

Someone to man mark the closest family members making sure they eat and drink etc. Make sure kitchen / house is clean / tidy - stocked up with loo roll etc - due to the number of people who visit.

Support with admin. I cant emphasise how much admin death creates. Or get someone else to accompany / support the person doing all the admin. Our Church pastor went with my dad to collect the printed death certificate. My dad had done all of the admin / prep to get it to secure the burial order but when it came to collection he just fell apart. A buddy for the person doing the admin was invaluable in case the grief was too overwhelming.

Distraction. When someone is inconsolable a suggestion to do something else helped. With my grieving mum a walk or a bath helped. A bit.

Household running - i basically became a housekeeper

Cooking

Buffering - there are some people who visited who made insensitive comments / asked intrusive questions. I was the block for that.

Funeral planning - falls under admin but my parents understandably were SO avoidant it was a nightmare to get answers on music, flowers, order of service. I think this role is great for someone slightly removed. I did it but then broke down later. Story for another day.

Delegate - if people are coming to the house - give them jobs eg take toddler for a short walk. Wash dishes. Go and buy tea bags, milk and biscuits etc

For you:
Be calm. Be patient with all the emotions and accompanying emotional reactions.

Also - practice self care yourself. Make sure you eat and drink yourself as well.
Take a break as well.

Again sorry for your loss 💐.

Saddlesore · 08/04/2022 12:59

Just be in the background as an enabler, quietly making meals, cups of tea and getting enough supplies in so that they don't have to face the outside world.

If they are finding decision-making difficult, you could help them with suggestions (eg, for funeral flowers, "MIL always loved that pink rosebush...").

If they are getting unsolicited phone calls or visitors, you could field those, as salespeople are not always sensitive to bereavement.

And, when the time is right, you could offer to sort through her clothes/cosmetics etc for disposal or donation as they might find that too traumatic to deal with.

I wish you all strength.

Finallylostit · 08/04/2022 13:10

Everything everyone else has said and more.

As I was a single parent at the time and my siblings are organistionally challenged I did everything. My good friends did simple things - tht ment the world.

Took me to lunch one day - unexpected but perfect.
Dropped food in - lasagna done

Day to day thinking is hard, existing is all he will be capable of.

You will be fine - just by virtue of asking.

My sympathies

Obelisk · 08/04/2022 13:14

Bear in mind that there might be times when they want to spend time as a family (ie not with in-laws inc you) and do what you can to facilitate that.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Hbh17 · 08/04/2022 13:16

Paperwork - letters, calls etc. Contacting people - I went through my MIL's address book.
I also got rid of all her clothes, as none of her sons wanted to do it.

BUT you have to accept that none of the actual decisions (e.g. funeral detsils) are yours, even if you think your husband & his family are making bad choices. Sometimes it is hard to stay quiet, but you have to.

HollaHolla · 08/04/2022 13:33

Not an in-law, but my best mate's mum; died fairly unexpectedly, and left her with not a lot except debt, an unfinished divorce, and disorganisation.

We tried to help with practical things (our little band is tight), and that was things like cooking, shopping, making phone calls, getting forms, etc. I went to the funeral director with her; someone else did the bank, council, etc. Someone else turned up with a full roast dinner, ready just to put in the oven! One day, we just went to the beach with the dog - a lot of distraction....

Even now, we talk about her Mum quite a bit; look at old photos sometimes, or she tells stories of when she was young.
It's shit, but I know she found the practicalities so helpful.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/04/2022 13:48

@DoItAfraid

Sorry for your loss. 💐.

My sister died unexpectedly which is not the same as MIL but what was appreciated was:

Someone to man mark the closest family members making sure they eat and drink etc. Make sure kitchen / house is clean / tidy - stocked up with loo roll etc - due to the number of people who visit.

Support with admin. I cant emphasise how much admin death creates. Or get someone else to accompany / support the person doing all the admin. Our Church pastor went with my dad to collect the printed death certificate. My dad had done all of the admin / prep to get it to secure the burial order but when it came to collection he just fell apart. A buddy for the person doing the admin was invaluable in case the grief was too overwhelming.

Distraction. When someone is inconsolable a suggestion to do something else helped. With my grieving mum a walk or a bath helped. A bit.

Household running - i basically became a housekeeper

Cooking

Buffering - there are some people who visited who made insensitive comments / asked intrusive questions. I was the block for that.

Funeral planning - falls under admin but my parents understandably were SO avoidant it was a nightmare to get answers on music, flowers, order of service. I think this role is great for someone slightly removed. I did it but then broke down later. Story for another day.

Delegate - if people are coming to the house - give them jobs eg take toddler for a short walk. Wash dishes. Go and buy tea bags, milk and biscuits etc

For you:
Be calm. Be patient with all the emotions and accompanying emotional reactions.

Also - practice self care yourself. Make sure you eat and drink yourself as well.
Take a break as well.

Again sorry for your loss 💐.

This..all of this is exactly what tends to be helpful!

OP sorry for your loss.

We had several unexpected early sudden deaths in our family ..

Don't underestimate the sheer shock you'll all be experiencing.

MsCupcake · 08/04/2022 13:55

Condolences to you and your family.

When I was dealing with the death of my Dad and all the arrangements, the best thing that anyone did was to make me a cup of tea and made me sit down and drink it with them, no conversation required…

It was one decision that I didn’t have to make, amid a sea of decisions and made me sit for a moment and get my thoughts in order again.

Such a small thing but meant the world to me.

Original poster

Stylishkidintheriot · 08/04/2022 17:55

Hi, thanks for all the advice. I’m doing my best to “stay in the background” and let DH spend as much time with his dad as he can (his sister is abroad at the moment, but will hopefully be home soon).

OP posts:

balalake · 08/04/2022 18:10

Sorry to read of your loss. Practical help will be appreciated I am sure.

haveaglassofwine · 08/04/2022 19:10

I'm so sorry for your loss, you sound lovely, my mum died very recently, my lovely SIL has been amazing, she kept us all supplied with sandwiches in mums last few days, she has made meals for my dad which has taken the pressure of me while I arranged the funeral and dealt with the paperwork etc, she also looked after my brother by making sure he could talk to her and rant etc. My DH has also been wonderful, between them they have basically kept everything else running in the background while I focused on looking after dad and the arrangements, she didn't attempt to do the things that she knew would be important for me to do myself but I knew she would have been happy to do them if I had asked her. Her help made everything so much easier and I have really really appreciated everything she did more then she will ever know

ClaryFairchild · 08/04/2022 20:12

Don't forget to let your DH see that you're mourning her too, just knowing that you loved her and can appreciate his loss will help a bit. Keep in mind the circles of support. Your FIL is the centre circle and he leans on the next circle out, his children, they lean on the next circle out, you and other partners, you then lean on the next ring, your family and friends, etc. you DON'T lean in. (And should any second cousin, twice removed decide to break down all over your FIL or DH then you run interference and get them the hell out of there. It's not their job to support outer circles. )

The other thing is that they need to grieve, they need to cry, sob, be anguished. They are mourning and they need to process it. The act of preparing the funeral and dealing with all the admin things forces that issue along, particularly for those who would otherwise prefer to "be strong" but then risk a breakdown later when no one is around.

In my culture there is a tradition of getting together and preparing the food for the wake. The physical process of buying the ingredients for the food, going to the church kitchen to visit those helping with the food (extended family and friends) really helped me to start processing my grief.

MVision · 08/04/2022 20:19

@DebtheSander totally agree with what you said. When my dad died v suddenly I just wanted to be looked after and hibernate for a bit but equally found being in the garden and at home soothing. The biggest help was dh taking over childcare, cooking etc as I just didn't have capacity for it.

Rory1234 · 08/04/2022 20:36

I lost a parent suddenly last year and DH was amazing - by doing nothing he did everything.

By that I mean he gave me space to be with my family or do whatever I needed to do, he picked up all the childcare, extra curricular stuff and school runs (we are lucky he’s self employed) and just generally took everything off my plate so I could handle the emotional and practical weight of what had happened.

Now, even months on, he just quietly does whatever I can’t do and listens when I need it but doesn’t push me to talk. He’s been an absolute gem. I hope if he ever needs it I can be as great as he has been.

I am so sorry for the loss of your MIL

Rory1234 · 08/04/2022 20:37

(I suppose what I mean by my DH ‘doing nothing’ is that he did nothing hugely visible or showy, he just picked up everything in the background and was just there when I needed him).

Ilikewinter · 08/04/2022 20:47

Its coming up to MIL 1st anniversay, looking back my advice would be to just be there in the background, DH had to clear the house, arrange the funeral and do all the admin - of which I never realised there is sooo much to do. I did the 'housework' and took his lead for when he was ready to do stuff, and just tried to be there for him. Im sorry for your loss OP, it really is a tough time as you end up trying to be strong for everyone. 💐

Firelogbridge · 08/04/2022 20:48

My dh lost his mum a few years ago. I just offered emotional and practical support. So listened to him, let him vent and then looked after dc so he didn't have to think about it. He was with her when she died and it was quite traumatic (for him) but a 'normal and peaceful death' but he was very traumatised by it.

Xpologog · 08/04/2022 21:01

@DoItAfraid

Sorry for your loss. 💐.

My sister died unexpectedly which is not the same as MIL but what was appreciated was:

Someone to man mark the closest family members making sure they eat and drink etc. Make sure kitchen / house is clean / tidy - stocked up with loo roll etc - due to the number of people who visit.

Support with admin. I cant emphasise how much admin death creates. Or get someone else to accompany / support the person doing all the admin. Our Church pastor went with my dad to collect the printed death certificate. My dad had done all of the admin / prep to get it to secure the burial order but when it came to collection he just fell apart. A buddy for the person doing the admin was invaluable in case the grief was too overwhelming.

Distraction. When someone is inconsolable a suggestion to do something else helped. With my grieving mum a walk or a bath helped. A bit.

Household running - i basically became a housekeeper

Cooking

Buffering - there are some people who visited who made insensitive comments / asked intrusive questions. I was the block for that.

Funeral planning - falls under admin but my parents understandably were SO avoidant it was a nightmare to get answers on music, flowers, order of service. I think this role is great for someone slightly removed. I did it but then broke down later. Story for another day.

Delegate - if people are coming to the house - give them jobs eg take toddler for a short walk. Wash dishes. Go and buy tea bags, milk and biscuits etc

For you:
Be calm. Be patient with all the emotions and accompanying emotional reactions.

Also - practice self care yourself. Make sure you eat and drink yourself as well.
Take a break as well.

Again sorry for your loss 💐.

All of this ( wonderful list @DoltAfraid ) especially point 5. I really needed and that and just the offer of small meals even though I could barely eat. With a sudden death there’s also the element of shock on top of bereavement. I’m sorry for your family’s loss. Make sure you look after yourself too.

Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 08/04/2022 21:20

When my mil passed I shopped cooked and cleared up each day, stayed at the house while they went to do all the usual stuff funeral directors, pub to sort wake, florist etc, made cups of tea for visitors, baked a couple of cakes to go with Cups of tea.
Then when funeral was getting near I cleaned house and made beds up with clean bedding, just generally cared for them all.

Eebs · 08/04/2022 21:22

When my mum died and later my dad I just struggled to parent. I couldn't fathom being a parent with no parent of my own. dh looked after the children so I could be with my brother. It was all I needed. However, later I realised he had suffered loss as well but I couldn't see that at the time so just also remember to acknowledge your own loss and seek support. Sorry for your loss.