Just leave it be or discuss why we fell out?

Richtea2 · 2022-04-08T07:28:32+00:00

I am talking to someone again and we fell out. I am wondering do you discuss what made you fall out or just let it be? It's really a difficult situation but I can do the small talk. We communicate online and I have suggested we meet up on when things have calmed down. I have so much going and I know she has too. I have been told keep her at a distance because of what's happened. It's good I can see her children they have grown up so much now. I suppose I am more happy about this than us talking. She really has not changed and I know we will need to talk about what's happened. I think this situation with her still going on and feel happy she is not telling me stuff. It's harder to avoid her because she really has moved closer to me now. I mentioned this to a relative who I explained everything too. He didn't realize it was that full on. He said keep her at at distance and other people say I am doing the right thing. Got a lot on my plate too. Would you get it all off your chest or leave it?

girlmom21 · 08/04/2022 08:31

Is this your ex or a friend?

If you have reconciled then fallen out again because she's not willing to make changes then I would cut your losses.

PuffinMcStuffin · 08/04/2022 08:33

With that level of information I'm not sure anyone can really give you advice.

Original poster

Richtea2 · 08/04/2022 08:44

@girlmom21

Is this your ex or a friend?

If you have reconciled then fallen out again because she's not willing to make changes then I would cut your losses.

Is a friend whom I grew up with. Well I haven't had a proper chat with her in person or on the phone yet. I heard she hasn't changed but would like to see that she hasn't for myself. Although not forcing myself to see her especially if she not bothered.

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Original poster

Richtea2 · 08/04/2022 08:48

@PuffinMcStuffin

With that level of information I'm not sure anyone can really give you advice.

I won't go into why we fell but it was serious. For me she wasn't telling me anything or the truth on her situation. I do feel we should discuss it because I can't carry on like everything normal..we not young like before. We can open up saying what upset us to why we fell out. Have you even resolved an issue with ex friend if you got talking again?

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ogorange · 08/04/2022 10:36

I have sort of had this. My best friend took huge offence at something I said at her wedding. She ghosted me for ages (torture) then we started chatting again with small talk.

Finally I sent an email to her and her husband, apologising for what happened even though I thought I was right, and they both responded graciously and we moved on.

If you never mention it then perhaps you'll never have as close a relationship as you could have. But you do have to choose the right time, tone, manner, attitude, etc or it can backfire. Go slowly.

pumpkinpie01 · 08/04/2022 11:37

My sister and I had a massive falling out 3 years ago we didn't speak for months . Then slowly we rebuilt our relationship, there was no big hugs and neither of us apologised and it's not talked about. Not sure whether that's healthy or not , but that's where we're at .

Circumferences · 08/04/2022 11:47

I find you run the risk of it all blowing up again if you start with "I got upset because you said X" "well I said X because you did Y" and then one of you expects some sort of apology, which isn't forthcoming, then on top of that there's "why are you bringing this up again after all these years" ...
so you only fall out all over again.

Some things are best left brushed under the carpet if you genuinely feel you can rebuild your relationship from the point it is now without revisiting the past.

pumpkinpie01 · 08/04/2022 11:49

@Circumferences your post makes perfect sense , think that's what's happened with me and my sister and what would happen if either of us mentioned it.

moonbedazzled · 08/04/2022 12:00

The modern way is all about talking things out or seeing a counselor to negotiate a way forward. But there's a lot to be said for: least said, soonest mended. I often think people rehash the past because the enjoy the drama but it doesn't really sort anything it just keeps you stuck in the past. Draw a line and move on.

Original poster

Richtea2 · 08/04/2022 13:36

@Circumferences

I find you run the risk of it all blowing up again if you start with "I got upset because you said X" "well I said X because you did Y" and then one of you expects some sort of apology, which isn't forthcoming, then on top of that there's "why are you bringing this up again after all these years" ... so you only fall out all over again.

Some things are best left brushed under the carpet if you genuinely feel you can rebuild your relationship from the point it is now without revisiting the past.

I was thinking the same thing.

But it's because I think what is happening with her still going on. I don't want to be caught in the middle. I am glad she not saying what is going on. Especially if she playing her games. I don't want to be used again.

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TheyCallMeJune · 08/04/2022 13:43

If she's been awful in the past then do you really want to rekindle the friendship? I'd think very carefully. I've only rekindled one friendship where she'd done something terrible to me in the past and lo and behold she shat on me again. Leopards never change their spots. Is it really worth the aggro?

IncompleteSenten · 08/04/2022 13:44

I'd have left her in the past tbh.
You already know how this will end, surely?

Mol1628 · 08/04/2022 14:21

Do you actually like her? Doesn’t sound worth it all to me.

incognitoforthisone · 08/04/2022 14:34

But it's because I think what is happening with her still going on. I don't want to be caught in the middle. I am glad she not saying what is going on. Especially if she playing her games. I don't want to be used again.

Why are you talking to this person again, then? You clearly don't think anything has changed with regards to her behaviour.

You don't like her.

When you say you want to 'talk about why you fell out' I think what you're actually saying is that you want her to apologise and tell you that she was in the wrong, because you are actually still angry about it. That is clearly not going to happen because she's still doing whatever it was that you were angry about. If you bring it up again you're just going to have another massive fight about it.

Just leave it. If it's a family member that you can't avoid, then just be polite but distant if they contact you, but don't actively socialise with them or instigate conversations online. If it's a friend, accept that you don't really like them any more, stop talking to them and move on.

Original poster

Richtea2 · 08/04/2022 14:36

@TheyCallMeJune

If she's been awful in the past then do you really want to rekindle the friendship? I'd think very carefully. I've only rekindled one friendship where she'd done something terrible to me in the past and lo and behold she shat on me again. Leopards never change their spots. Is it really worth the aggro?

It wasn't anything really bad. She was getting caught out ignoring my messages. I understand she was going through a difficult time. She thought we fell out due someone turning me against her. I was pushed aside. She had changed into a person I didn't recognize or the mask fell off. I don't mind talking to her from a distance like this but not sure we will ever get close again. I think trust is good. But who knows but just won't get in the middle of this drama with her.

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Original poster

Richtea2 · 08/04/2022 14:38

@incognitoforthisone

But it's because I think what is happening with her still going on. I don't want to be caught in the middle. I am glad she not saying what is going on. Especially if she playing her games. I don't want to be used again.

Why are you talking to this person again, then? You clearly don't think anything has changed with regards to her behaviour.

You don't like her.

When you say you want to 'talk about why you fell out' I think what you're actually saying is that you want her to apologise and tell you that she was in the wrong, because you are actually still angry about it. That is clearly not going to happen because she's still doing whatever it was that you were angry about. If you bring it up again you're just going to have another massive fight about it.

Just leave it. If it's a family member that you can't avoid, then just be polite but distant if they contact you, but don't actively socialise with them or instigate conversations online. If it's a friend, accept that you don't really like them any more, stop talking to them and move on.

I know I won't get an apology.

I will talk to her from a distance.

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