Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children dealing with grief

10 replies

Crocs35 · 07/04/2022 23:14

My children are 6 and 9. Their dad has just died. It's a very messy long story but the short story is they haven't seen him for over 2 years (but was hoping that would change) eldest is absolutely heartbroken. Youngest has sen-asd and learning difficulties. Both very sensitive, anxious type children.. I'm trying to let them guide me as to how to help them. Eldest wants to go to the funeral. He's mature enough to make that decision. Both are even more clingy than usual but also still enjoying days out, being away from me at times. I believe this is normal as children jump in and out of grief. Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2022 23:18

How difficult, I’m so sorry.

You could ask MN to move this to bereavement and I’m sure posters can suggest charities and resources you can use for support.

CliveThighs · 07/04/2022 23:18

My mum died when i was 6. I had counselling (visits to 'the talking doctor') when we found out she was terminal, and also grief counselling after. I went to the funeral but everyone made sure it was just a lovely day for me.

There are lots of charities that have fantastic advice about helping children deal with loss, it may be worth contacting them.

nocoolnamesleft · 07/04/2022 23:19

I'm sorry. Have you had a look at www.winstonswish.org/ ?

Rodion · 07/04/2022 23:23

Oh no, that's really tough. Do you know (or are you able to find out) what sort of funeral it might be so you could go through the different elements and what to expect with your 9 year old? Would you be going too?

Original poster
Crocs35 · 07/04/2022 23:38

Thanks. I will be going to support my son. Their dad and me spilt up 5 years ago. It was very messy but his family and me have worked together so they can have a relationship with our children. I will definitely look in to contacting some support charities.

OP posts:
TheMamaYo · 08/04/2022 00:03

I am so sorry for your loss. It’s really complicated, isn’t it?
There’s an excellent book on Amazon, dealing with this. Upside Down, Downside Up. It is very useful as a communication tool right from the day of bereavement. It was written from a Child’s perspective.

Advice from me would be to talk open and honestly with them. Let them know no questions are off limits.
Wishing you a lot of strength for the days ahead.

Hesma · 08/04/2022 01:08

There is a charity called Daisysdream that helps bereaved kids. They go into schools if needed and I know they helped children at my DDs primary school. Google it and get in touch, I’m sure it will help.

BritInAus · 08/04/2022 02:11

I'm so sorry to hear this. My DD (6) lost her mum just before she turned 5. It was very complex and very sudden (she was an alcoholic but hid it well from her - also alcoholic and in total denial - parents, and the actual end was quite swift.)

Things that we did were:

  • Buying a special new 'mummy teddy' to cuddle
  • Planting a special tree in the garden for mummy. Ex DP's parents did not inform us of her death (!!) or invite DD to funeral, so we held a small informal service at home. We invited nearest and dearest friends and support people to DD. All wrote a message/drew a picture to hang on the shrub we were going to plant. Released a helium balloon (I know... shoot me) and played a favourite song. Then ate cake and the kids played. Was a really sad but beautiful morning.
  • Talking to school a lot, keeping them up to date and vice versa
  • Bought lots of books about death, grief etc. Some ones we liked were Lola and Grandpa, The Invisble String, The Memory Tree and the Tiny Star by Mem Fox.
  • I made a photobook of nice pics of DD and their other parent.

It is really hard to support your child with grief alongside your own grief, especially if also dealing with the added complexities of dealing with any trauma from a complex situation. I really feel for you.

Try to take some time for you too if you can, I found getting out for a walk, alone and sometimes with a good friend, made such a difference. The early days can be very difficult.

And if people offer to help, take them up on it. Friends who can offer to cook /drop off basic meals were a godsend to me in the first week.

I do feel for you. You're welcome to PM me. Take care x

Original poster
Crocs35 · 08/04/2022 11:53

Thank you TheMamaYo I have just ordered the book.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crocs35 · 08/04/2022 12:09

Thank you too BritinAus I will look in to those books too.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page