Me and SIL get on fine but aren’t particularly close, but I am close to my brother (her husband).
We have children the same age. My DC(5) is on the autism pathway, and has suspected ADHD, a speech disorder, attachment disorder, and sensory processing disorder. Their DC(5) is NT.
My Dc has had a lot of struggles with emotional regulation and has an EHCP and will be going to a special school in September at the start of Year 1. I’m doing everything I can to support them.
Our DC are basically not playing nicely together. Last time I visited them, their child repeatedly threw things at my child despite my child asking them repeatedly to stop and getting visibly upset. I piled miles of praise on my DC for not reacting physically which is huge for them.
We then saw each other at a family event recently. No one saw what happened but both DC it turns out have said that the other hurt them. I only knew what my child had told me until today when my mum told me the other child had said the same about my child.
The other day SIL asked about doing something with the kids over Easter, exploring the woods etc. I responded essentially saying I’m happy with an indoor play date because I want to be able to keep a close eye on my DC because they are regressing a bit at the moment and there have been a few incidents with their DC hurting mine and I want to ensure I’m close to my DC to help them manage their emotional regulation. I knew it would probably kick off but this has happened repeatedly over a few months and I need to stop putting my child in situations they are struggling to cope with until they are feeling a bit more stable.
Now my brother has called my mum saying SIL is upset that I’m accusing their child of basically bullying mine. I didn’t say that, I did say that they’ve hurt them (and I’ve witnessed it on every occasion apart from the most recent one). Mum told me, and said what happened last time was that both children said that the other was hurting them, but that the other child was also swinging around a toy golf club. I also know that the other child hurt their older sibling in quite a dangerous way earlier that week. I’m leaning towards believing my child, but I said that either way they aren’t playing nicely together and I’m not putting my DC through it at the moment.
My mum wants me to keep the peace and apologise but I don’t see what I’ve done wrong. I don’t want to fall out with them, and I adore my nieces and nephews, but if one of them is hurting my child repeatedly I need to keep my distance for a bit. I should also add that despite them being the same age, my child is twice the size of theirs and this (along with their emotional regulation struggles) means they tend to get in trouble within the family a lot more than the other child, who is tiny so “cute” about it.
AIBU to not rush to apologise to SIL for hurting her feelings?