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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD’s BF parents

25 replies

Menora · 07/04/2022 13:19

My DD is 20 and has had a boyfriend for 2 years. They went to school together so have known each other since age 11.

DD is a good kid, studying/working and her BF is also doing the same and a nice well behaved lad. I have no issues with him or their relationship as a couple, they get on well. Neither can drive yet they also never go out drinking or anything. He is welcome at my house any time and as she’s 20, I don’t really have the need for rules or curfews (just tell me where you are going kind of thing) as I trust her. I do nag at them a bit them to start driving as it’s such a freedom and they are slowly learning

DD is becoming more and more unhappy with his controlling her BF’s parents are, and so am I. They control their sons movements all the time and he has no freedom. They say this is ‘their culture’ (European country, not religious). This isn’t my business with their own son, apparently he isn’t happy about it but has no other option

DD and her BF often have to go on dates with their whole family, he’s not allowed out past 8pm, he’s not allowed to travel more than 5 miles unless he’s with me Confused. They all have to eat together, shop together, watch TV together. DD feels like she is in a relationship with his mum, dad and sibling.

What has annoyed me now is them trying to parent my DD, telling her not to leave her studies (it ends this year) and what type of job to get, where to live, what her life plans will be etc.

I was honest with DD that this was not acceptable and she’s an adult and doesn’t have to do anything they say and that she needs to live her own life. DD is so upset as she feels like she is trapped - she really wants to be with him, but they have no freedom and it makes her sad and frustrated. She said she isn’t asking for much, just to go out for food or the cinema!

I don’t know what else advice to give her. AIBU to be worried about this level of control and her future?

OP posts:
rogueone · 07/04/2022 13:40

Not a lot you can do apart from be their to support her. Her BF is still at home and isnt attempting to change the situation. I am shocked your DD hasnt ended the relationship given they arent really having one.

Stompythedinosaur · 07/04/2022 13:45

I'm amazed she has stuck it out so long.

No point in being irritated with the parents, it is ultimately her adult bf who is making the choice to comply with these rules.

Original poster
Menora · 07/04/2022 13:47

I think it was easy to tolerate when it was Covid and lockdowns, and not so much now

Problem is DD is a bit naive that suddenly this will change as he gets older so she’s clinging on to the hope it will get better (it won’t I don’t think)

OP posts:
Schoolchoicesucks · 07/04/2022 14:17

Gosh, poor boy, well actually man.

Does he tolerate not being able to go out for a meal or cinema either with your daughter or friends after 8pm? I know covid has put a massive spanner in the rights of passage for many late teens over the last few years, but that is astonishing.

Do you have any relationship with the parents OP? You obviously shouldn't need to at this age, but I wonder if they would hear it from you about trusting their adult son to make his own choices and if they don't do that, they risk losing him.

With your daughter, I think all you can do is continue to be supportive, encourage her to maintain/build other friendships. And help her think through how her life would go with the in-laws if their relationship did develop into marriage/kids etc.

Is he an only child? Any older cousins or family friends you're aware of who may be on side with the gently breaking down of barriers?

It seems like the sort of struggle a boy of 16 would be in rather than 20.

Mermaidwaves · 07/04/2022 14:23

She's 20 with her whole future ahead of her, does she really want to be tied down with this? If it's his culture this isn't going to change and likely his family will be expecting to be heavily involved in the future if they married and had kids.

I would be encouraging her to break this off and go and live her life fully and explore all those opportunities available for a young, bright 20 year old, she doesn't need all that hassle!

WhenDovesFly · 07/04/2022 14:34

I would be gently explaining to DD that this will not necessarily change if they were to get married (would he be allowed to live with her?)

Likelihood is that these DPs will continue to try and control their sons life even when he's left home, and will be overbearing and interfering when/if they have children. It's sounding like he's not strong enough to stand up to them.

Original poster
Menora · 07/04/2022 14:56

I don’t think he wants to stand up to them no. I’m not sure it’s fear but it’s control. They control everything he does like he is a child. He is not an only child. They tell DD they are ‘afraid’ of lots of things. They currently are ‘afraid’ DD is going to take his money!

They don’t agree with my parenting at all apparently (I don’t give a shit what they think). They can do what they want with their own son but i am not happy about them controlling DD directly.

They are just nice young adults who are a bit naive. I don’t think it’s fair to blame the BF as it’s all he knows too. It is even worse that DD’s own dad is similar to this and she’s spent years putting up with that. I worry she’s just ingrained as a people pleaser and is not going to really be happy like this.

Luckily thankfully she does still see her friends (for now)

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 07/04/2022 15:24

I don’t really have the need for rules or curfews (just tell me where you are going kind of thing) as I trust her. I do nag at them a bit them to start driving as it’s such a freedom and they are slowly learning

I’m sure they see this as you inflicting your parenting on their son and they won’t like it either.

Your daughter can make her own decisions about her relationships. You’ve given her the advice and it’s up to her to deal with it as she sees fit.

CatsArePeople · 07/04/2022 15:40

his parents sound toxic, but its him who needs to man up and cut the apron strings.

latriciamcneal · 07/04/2022 15:59

Wow! It's a different culture. However their son is not from that culture, he’s from British culture for the most part and can do what he wants as an adult here. But he needs to be the one to move out. I moved out at 18. I packed a bag, rented a room, and got four jobs. Not sure you can even do that now though. My room was £40/week up North. But renting in a shared house is definitely good for first accommodation when young.

It's unfortunate for him that he has to get rid of that level of control. Your daughter may want to put this to him now because it sounds as though that woman would be the worst mother in law imaginable.

HellToTheNope · 07/04/2022 16:09

I would tell her to run a mile and then keep running. Her life will be an absolute fucking living HELL with these unhinged whackos in it. I shudder to think of having people like this as In-laws, and her boyfriend sounds quite wet to boot.

RealBecca · 07/04/2022 16:15

I'd support her by listening and point out the obvious, wow what would they be like if you were married! They'll want to go on holiday with you!

HellToTheNope · 07/04/2022 16:17

Your daughter needs to look at the kind of man her boyfriend is, and it's not looking good, sadly. At his age he should be able to cut the strings and live his own life. He must not want to. Her real problem is with him, not his parents.

Original poster
Menora · 07/04/2022 16:38

I think I feel sorry for him, it’s not like he has asked for this either. I don’t think he’s mature enough to cut the strings because they are treating him like a child.

OP posts:
AntarcticTern · 07/04/2022 16:42

Personally I would be (very gently) encouraging her to end this relationship. She's wasting her youth!

Cherrysoup · 07/04/2022 16:50

He’s in the FOG, isn’t he? If he doesn’t comply with their craziness, will they kick him out? Your dd is not experiencing a proper relationship, this is really unfair on her. It’s quite terrifying to consider the future if they stay together unless he moves out. Imagine them having dc of their own! His family will be trying to control that, too.

bluebaul · 07/04/2022 16:56

DD was I a similar situation with her ex.

Overbearing parents who wanted nothing more then to control him all of the time. They broke up over it because in the end DD was sick of never being able to do anything without his mothers input - mostly when she was trying to prevent it. I'm glad DD managed to see it because the future with w MIL like that would have been hell.

Mellowyellow222 · 07/04/2022 17:14

Red flags here!

If they got married what would her life be like - they would dictate everything - no boundaries. No free will.

He won’t stand up to them - and will let them dictate his life.

A 20 year old man living with these rules clearly has a lot of issues and it’s not likely he will suddenly rebel against this. Will he allow his own children to be subjected to this level of control.

I would be getting my daughter away from this situation as quickly as possible. It sounds like a cult.

billy1966 · 07/04/2022 17:30

I would tell her that this will be her life too if she stays and encourage her to end it.

I wouldn't be diplomatic or in any way understanding of this, other than to say, this is THEIR batshit way of controlling their son and I certainly don't want to encourage her to stay in such a relationship.

That's all you can do.

Being understanding will imply it's acceptable to tell an 20 year old man he has to be home for 8pm and can't go further that 5km.

Tell her if she wants more of it, stay with him.
It will only get worse.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 07/04/2022 17:42

My nephew just left a relationship because of this - he hoped his gf would grow out of it but it became clear she did not want to, and their whole lives (both now working adults) were controlled by her family. He lasted 10 years and it is so sad, because they genuinely love each other, but he could not take it anymore and I totally get how he feels.

Original poster
Menora · 07/04/2022 19:23

Yes to the FOG, I do not get the impression he is happy about this and he does try to push back sometimes, it’s more that he doesn’t really know what other options he has and his parents are so, so obstructive. He doesn’t even have his own money as they control that too. He is over anxious a lot of the time and I don’t think it’s good for him or DD. DD can be feisty when she wants to be so I know she gets frustrated with him, he will then stand up to his parents, things improve for a couple of weeks then go back to how it was before. His mum then tells DD that she doesn’t mean to be this way, she can’t help it, it’s ‘just their culture’. I was hoping she would grow out of this relationship of her own accord by getting some freedom but she’s choosing to be cooped up with them. The good thing is I am close to DD and I have to hope she gets herself out of it but not sure I can do anything right now. Thanks though for advice

OP posts:
HellToTheNope · 07/04/2022 20:26

The good thing is I am close to DD and I have to hope she gets herself out of it but not sure I can do anything right now.

You can have very open and honest conversations about this. You could let her read this thread. Show her threads on MN about nightmare inlaws when the op should have seen it all coming a mile away.

Your poor daughter needs to free herself from this dead end relationship, because this young man will never break away from his parents. They never do.

Mellowyellow222 · 07/04/2022 21:11

I am curious what culture they are from - and suspect this is just an excuse.

Are there really any cultures out there were an adult male has a curfew, isn’t allowed to travel more than a few miles and isn’t allowed his own money? It sounds more like an abusive relationship.

Your first goal has to be to get your daughter away from them. Then give him contact details for support groups. He needs an escape route and a lot of counselling.

But it’s not your daughters job to fix him and his family

hangrylady · 07/04/2022 21:35

Show her some of the threads on here about controlling PILs and DHs who sit back and do nothing. That's her future unless he stands up to his parents.

autienotnaughty · 07/04/2022 21:54

It's never going to change in fact It will get worse if they have children together down the line, I'd advise her to end the relationship .

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