Row with OH

[WhatAshamblesss]

I'm not very well at the minute, I have postnatal depression on top of my existing CPTSD so I'm teetering on the edge of a breakdown and have little to no tolerance for unnecessary crap.

His problem is that he's passive aggressive and also when he needs help with something he won't ask "could you give me a hand with this" or "could you do X whilst I do Y"

After looking after our 3 kids Inc baby all day I made our tea, and a separate meal for the kids (autism) and was just waiting on the pasta to be ready for our spag bol.

I've done absolutely everything all day long whilst he's been in bed sleeping after a night shift, hes off tonight, so I don't think it was unreasonable to ask him to change a nappy (which he does do his share of granted) whilst I wrote out an important email.

Pasta wasn't ready, I had the time.

So he changes the nappy then starts rushing around like a blue arse fly looking for things to moan about and huffing like he's rushed off his feet.

"Have you seen the other two blue bottles, I need them now"

I said not off the top of my head but they'll be around somewhere, let's just eat and ill have a look. I'm just having a breather and sending this email. Its time sensitive and needs to be done now.

"But I need them now, I have to wash them and put them in the steriliser. Well if theyre lost then rheyre loat. They've gone"

Gone where ffs, they haven't left the house.

There was already two bottles sterilised and prepped. It absolutely could wait. He was making a problem where there didn't need to be one. We were about to eat and he was intent on creating a list of things that need our immediate attention.

Huffing and puffing. Moaning.

DC then asked for juice, I'm sorting the pasta by now so the job fell to him.

"I've got to do this, and that, so much to do, where are those bottles, hang on DS I've got my hands full" full on passive aggressive, I suspect because I had the temerity to sit down for 10 minutes after a long day.

I lost it a bit at this point and raised my voice "can you just fucking stop it, just stop being so ridiculous. I cannot deal with this right now"

If he needed help with something, that wasn't wasn't important, why could he not just ask for help. He never does. He martyrs himself and huffs and puffs. I cannot abhor it.

He then got pissed off about my outburst, understandably maybe, and exclaimed how he hadn't done anything wrong.

I explained why I was annoyed, I reiterated that he does it all of the time and I just don't have the bandwidth for it today. He exclaims that he has no idea what I'm talking about.

Sorry this is garbled.

AIBU? Does anyone see my point or should I just check myself into a psych ward now

I cannot abide it* not abhor it

My ExH used to do that when I needed a hand. It’s done so we don’t ask for help, so we learn to not bother.
I’d ramp it up if I were you.

God he sounds like a right PITA. YADNBU!

I feel as though he thought I was being unreasonable for sitting down for 10 minutes and being on my phone even though the reason I was on my phone was to send an important email. Bloody man.

• he wouldn't have the gall to actually say as much though, so his response is to be passive aggressive and imply everything is left to him.

Er no mate, I've been changing 3 arses and juggling 3 kids all day whilst you had a nice kip.

I’m firmly on your side, OP.

I'm glad people can see my POV.

When he does that and I pull him up on it he claims he doesn't know what I'm talking about and that he isn't doing 'anything' even when I spell out exactly what he's doing.

I’m so annoyed on your behalf I tried press YANBU about 5 times. He knows what he’s doing, don’t even explain it. I think im in a relationship with your dh’s twin brother!

The gassssssslighting. I know this well.

Literally the ONLY thing you can do is ignore it. He claims he isn't doing anything? Act like he isn't doing anything. Just ignore him. And when he starts directing it at the kids to try and provoke a reaction in you (which he will when you don't start flapping around trying to make everything right for him) just breezily say to them "come here and tell me about it darling, daddy's in a flap". And if he moans about that just laugh and say "oh but look you are flapping, love. Don't worry, I'll deal with it!" Make him feel like you think he's slightly ridiculous. Make him think it's funny. This will have two positive effects: it will stop the kids getting stressed out by it, and it will take the pompous wind out of his sails.

But no YANBU. I have a huffer puffer too and it drives me FUCKING MENTAL. I am very sensitive to others moods (dodgy childhood) so I can't hear someone huffing and slamming about in the kitchen without all the hairs on the back of my neck going up. It's incredibly hard not to react to it so I feel your pain! But, despite what they say, it IS being done for a reaction. Do not provide it.

YANBU. This is a classic form of manipulation.

Gaslighting, absofuckinglutely!

I called him out on it and said stop trying to make me question my reality, we both know what you're doing and we've had this conversation many times before.

Despite knowing exactly what he's doing, I often wonder if it's due to being emotionally stunted rather than outright manipulation but the result is the same.

I am very sensitive to others moods (dodgy childhood) so I can't hear someone huffing and slamming about in the kitchen without all the hairs on the back of my neck going up. It's incredibly hard not to react

Yup that is me down to a tee. Whenever I notice an obvious shift in somebodies mood it puts me on edge. With him, I always ask what the matter is and he'll swear blind 'nothing' despite his body language making it crustal clear that there is.

Fuck that shit! Call him out on being a twat each and every time. If he wants to be passive aggressive he can be - you be clear and straight to him. My DP (who is currently dying of a cold!) will say “Will someone do X or Y” when clearly he means will I do it. As he never directly asks I pretend I don’t know what he is talking about. I make him actually ask if he needs/wants help. He hates me calling him out on being so passive aggressive but I refuse to be manipulated by him.

Every time OP, call him out or just ignore. He sounds very tedious.

This frantic hysteria bullshit is 100% deliberate. He's doing this with the end game of you never asking him for help again. Sadly, far too many women play right into this shit.

I am very sensitive to others moods (dodgy childhood) so I can't hear someone huffing and slamming about in the kitchen without all the hairs on the back of my neck going up. It's incredibly hard not to react

This is exactly me and exactly what my exh was like. His new partner is able to ignore him, but when I see how my Mum does very similar type things I know why I am also sensitive to it!

How long has this been going on for? Clearly it bothers you and you have called him out on it in the past. Why do you keep having children with him making life more difficult for yourself and I'm guessing more opportunities for him to behave like this.

HG Tudor does good work on these types of men. This might be good, I think if it's reactive rather than intentional, he'll be in the lesser scale. They know these tactics work but aren't working on a time scale strategy

The Dance of Anger is a good book to explain tactics.

I'd call what he's doing negative escalation. He pretends he's not doing too it then uses your justified outburst against you. Classic!

Yes he is being infuriating.

but one fix is to get yourself out of the room. So before any of this starts, you could say 'I need 15 mins to deal with an important email, you are in charge. there's the pasta and there's the baby ...' and then go to another room (bedroom or bathroom or end of the garden or whatever) where you can ignore his huffing. when there is no audience to huff at, he might manage to do things.