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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I report abusive father? (Coercive control)

23 replies

MrsDanversBroom · 06/04/2022 12:30

Dd’s friend’s father is emotionally abusive towards his daughter who is 17. Examples of how he controls her are he told her she should give up her part time job to concentrate on studies and said he’d pay her an allowance instead. Once she’d given up her job he refused to pay her.

He won’t let her see friends he perceives as unsuitable, using seemingly arbitrary criteria - it’s about control IMO. He puts her down and criticises her appearance. She has a nice, kind boyfriend and he demands to know whether his parents will be there when she visits him. He works and has his own flat so they won’t be but she is 17.

Her school have recommended she has counselling and sees a doctor. She has recently been prescribed anti depressants and is self harming. His behaviour has affected her for many years 😰 There is much, much more than I can mention here but he’s an abusive bully IMO. Thanks for any thoughts. (NC for this).

YANBU - Report him to Crimestoppers
YABU - Do nothing, none of your business

OP posts:

Fraaahnces · 06/04/2022 12:31

Yes…. Yes you should. Poor girl!!!

sickofthisnonsense · 06/04/2022 12:44

If you genuinely think there is an issue then yes report.
.

A teen not being allowed to work so they can concentrate on study
Not wanting your 17 yr old to be home alone in a, presumably, older man's house.

These don't sound abusive to me but it is about context.

rookiemere · 06/04/2022 12:45

There's surely an in between action where you talk to her and ask her if she wants you to do anything.

Original poster

MrsDanversBroom · 06/04/2022 12:48

The context is that he was previously banned from her school as he turned up ranting once. Her older sibling was once pulled out of the car on the school run and turned upside down, held by the ankles and shaken. This sibling hates him and they rarely speak.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsDanversBroom · 06/04/2022 12:48

@rookiemere

There's surely an in between action where you talk to her and ask her if she wants you to do anything.

Good idea. I will do this.

OP posts:

dfendyr · 06/04/2022 12:51

What you have written, while not nice, not sure is illegal?

sickofthisnonsense · 06/04/2022 12:56

Ah a classic dripfeed thread

MardyOldGoth · 06/04/2022 13:30

@MrsDanversBroom

Did anything come from that event? Social services etc? That's clearly abuse and with this info I'd be inclined to question his treatment of his daughter more.

WabbitsAndWeasels · 06/04/2022 13:36

@sickofthisnonsense

Ah a classic dripfeed thread

I agree tbh, some of the stuff mentioned sounds like he's overprotective rather than abusive, my mum would want to know where I was and who I was with at 17. If work was interfering with school work she's suggest cutting hours or leaving but would leave the choice up to me. Clearly dragging a child out of the car and shaking them upsidedown is not ok in any world. Do you know of there's consequences for hanging around with 'unsuitable' people?

She's 17, you should be able to ask her if she needs help and take her lead. It's likely at 18 she'll make things into her own hands especially if siblings are also low or no contact.

Guavaf1sh · 06/04/2022 13:37

Why on earth would you call crimestoppers???!?

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 06/04/2022 13:38

Op I would talk to the girl herself first and find out what she wants to do ...why not give her some guidance in the direction of getting a job and a flat share /renting a room so she can escape his clutches...

Also if you do report him then you should be prepared that he may take his anger out on her, or he may throw her out and make her homeless (would you be able to offer her a roof over her head if that happens?)

Xpologog · 06/04/2022 14:27

There’s clearly something wrong if the school suggest counselling and she is self harming.
Some of the things her father does, in the context of a father concerned for the welfare of his daughter, could seem acceptable.
But there are red flags —- saying he’ll give her an allowance then changing his mind, turning up at the school ranting about something, physically manhandling a sibling.
Can you talk to the girl on her own, emphasise you want to help her and will do all you can to make her safe? I think you can only go to the police if she is willing to speak out. If she isn’t and police question the father she could be in a worse position.

Nicholethejewellery · 06/04/2022 14:33

He sounds awful but I don't think Crimestoppers are the right people to call. What crimes is he actually committing?

Telling her to stop work and then refusing to pay the allowance doesn't sound like a crime.

Wanting to know who she is with doesn't sound like a crime.

Generally, someone controlling another isn't a crime. It might be abusive but the crime comes when they hit them, or physically refuse to let them leave when they want to, that kind of thing.

fallfallfall · 06/04/2022 14:34

Surely crime stoppers is a joke?
Is school still out?

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 06/04/2022 14:35

How old was the older child he turned upside down and shook? That's bizzard and terrifying, were ss involved at the time. I'm assuming he was reported for that.
You really can't do anything about a strict parent, as uncomfortable as it is to witness. My dc is watching this with their friend. Their parents have stopped them doing their job, choosing their own 6th form, having any life outside of school. Needless to say that child is rebelling and having to have sessions with school wellbeing.
All you can do is be a support and a safe place to come to if needed.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 06/04/2022 14:35

Bizzard? I made something new up there!!

Original poster

MrsDanversBroom · 06/04/2022 16:52

@sickofthisnonsense

Ah a classic dripfeed thread

DFOD

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsDanversBroom · 06/04/2022 16:54

Thanks for the constructive comments.

If you google “report domestic abuse” Crimestoppers comes up as an anonymous reporting channel.

I agree about asking her if she would like support with reporting him and agree that it’s her decision completely. She knows I’m there for support if needed, as is my dd.

OP posts:

Babysharkdoodoodood · 06/04/2022 17:14

I'd go with NSPCC rather than crimestoppers tbh.

dfendyr · 06/04/2022 17:49

@MrsDanversBroom

Thanks for the constructive comments.

If you google “report domestic abuse” Crimestoppers comes up as an anonymous reporting channel.

I agree about asking her if she would like support with reporting him and agree that it’s her decision completely. She knows I’m there for support if needed, as is my dd.

go and report it then? why are you asking here?

ldontWanna · 06/04/2022 17:52

NSPCC, SS and school are better avenues rather than Crimestoppers.

Original poster

MrsDanversBroom · 07/04/2022 00:32

@dfendyr er because it’s a discussion forum? Scroll on by if you’re not interested why don’t you.

OP posts:

Vispa · 07/04/2022 01:03

@Nicholethejewellery

He sounds awful but I don't think Crimestoppers are the right people to call. What crimes is he actually committing?

Telling her to stop work and then refusing to pay the allowance doesn't sound like a crime.

Wanting to know who she is with doesn't sound like a crime.

Generally, someone controlling another isn't a crime. It might be abusive but the crime comes when they hit them, or physically refuse to let them leave when they want to, that kind of thing.

Coercive control is now a crime in the UK, just like physical forms of domestic abuse.

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