To feel like I’m not part of any family?

[Oddoneout80]

Hi, I’ve NC but been around a long time.

A bit of backstory before I launch in to while I feel like this.

My parents divorced when I was 10. I have one DB. My DM remarried a few years after and I have 4 Stepbrothers & sisters. I have 3 DC….DD1 is 10 years older than DD2 and 13 years older than DS1. DD1 has a different dad. I was married to younger DC dad for 10 years but divorced 8 years ago and now live with my DP with my younger DC and 2 of his DC.
We are getting married next year

The problem is I don’t feel like I belong in any family. I don’t have any contact with my ‘D’F - my choice. He treated my DM horribly and he’s not the kind of person I want in my life, or my DC. That’s not an issue, I’m happy with that.
The issue is all the other family…they all meet up and I never get invited. On the odd occasion that I am I feel like it was because they had to invite me.

Christmas was horrible…obviously due to covid the previous christmas was a bit of a wash out so we were just home with immediate family….but last Christmas my DB, DM, SF and nieces and nephews all had Christmas together (5 miles away) whilst me and DP sat home on our own. When id asked if there were any plans I never got a definite answer, they obviously just didn’t want us there.
Same recently for DB birthday - they all went out for dinner - no invite for us.
Easter is the same, they (including step siblings) are all renting a big house by the coast. No mention or invite for us. I only found out because my Sis in law mentioned it when I saw her in town a few days ago.

My DD1 has a DD. When she was born she was given her other nannas name as a middle name…even though I’m very close to my DD and her DP isn’t at all close to his DM.

There’s been too many times to mention where I’ve been forgotten about or overlooked. My DP parents are great, they include me in things and we get on really well…but his DB doesn’t like me so anything he’s involved in sees me out of the equation.

I don’t know if I’m just wallowing in self pity or if there’s something wrong with me that makes people not want to spend time with me?
I’m close to my DM, we speak every other day and see each other often but never in a group. It’s like my whole family is embarrassed by me.

Anyone else feel like this? Anyone else not included in their family? It really, really hurts.

I'm sorry you feel that way. It hurts. So you consider yourself close to your Mum and chat every other day yet she doesn't invite you to stuff? Are you sure you are close?

Yes we are…she texts me all the time. Calls and visits often. Takes my DC for days out. She was at the birth of all 3 of my DC. We’re very close. I can only presume that when things are arranged by other people she doesn’t feel like she can invite me if it’s their birthday/party/held in their house etc

Why does your BIL not like you?

This all sounds very sad, OP The feeling of being left out is an awful one.

Could you ask her? If she arranged the things then she could include you as well.

@Herejustforthisone

He thinks I’m only with his DB for what I can get…
Even though we’ve been together 7 years now and I work full time and contribute towards everything. My DP is a high earner but that was never what attracted me to him. Apparently his DB thinks otherwise though and has just ignored me since.

@coffeeisthebest

I could but I don’t want to make her feel awkward. If my DM arranges a party at her house then I’m invited but I always feel like I shouldn’t be there and everyone else just goes off in their little groups and I’m left standing with DP. It’s embarrassing a painfully hurtful. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere

Can you ask your mother "How come my brother gets invited to family stuff but I don't?"

If he's single it might just be that they think you want to spend the time with your younger children, partner, and his two children. I've they may feel you are a full family in yourselves (as indeed you are).

My DB has a wife and 3 DC of his own so I doubt it’s that.
I genuinely think that they just don’t enjoy being around me. Maybe I’m too loud/too quiet/too boring I don’t know?
We had a house warming party when we moved to this house and unfortunately my SF wasn’t well at the time so he and my DM couldn’t come but other that my DC everyone else was DP family and friends. It was embarrassing trying to explain to people why none of my family were there. So it’s not that I don’t invite them to things either!

Could it be that they don't like your DH? Maybe they don't want to spend the holidays with him, but they know he will come too if you are invited.

But maybe your mum could bear a little awkwardness so she can understand that her daughter feels excluded from her own family? How can you be close to her if you can't communicate that you feel like you don't belong? Also are you 100% sure she is 'on your side'? Sorry if these are challenging questions, but reading your post is making me feel like you have been excluded without explanation and I think you need to fight for a more verbal understanding. Has your brother in law explicitly said that he thinks you are only in your marriage for the money? If so then are you sure you want to be anywhere near this clown anyway?

They all seem to like my DP. My mum adores him! My DB has asked for his help multiple times (to do with DP line of work) so I presume they like him. Not they’ve spent much time with him because we rarely see them.

DP has had it out with his DB on numerous occasions and his ‘dislike’ of me always seems to come back to money and who pays for what etc so although to my knowledge he’s never actually said that’s what he thinks…it’s quite obvious from what DP has said and what his parents have implied.

Why should your BIL care about your DP's money? He isn't going to inherit from him, is he?

@FangsForTheMemory

I could understand there being some concern if we’d only been together a couple of months and I didn’t work and just went out shopping and to fancy restaurants all day….

But I don’t! I don’t know why he’s so invested in my DP finances because they don’t impact his life at all. He owns his own company and has a lovely home and family of his own so I really have no idea 🤷‍♀️

@Oddoneout80

My DB has a wife and 3 DC of his own so I doubt it’s that. I genuinely think that they just don’t enjoy being around me. Maybe I’m too loud/too quiet/too boring I don’t know? We had a house warming party when we moved to this house and unfortunately my SF wasn’t well at the time so he and my DM couldn’t come but other that my DC everyone else was DP family and friends. It was embarrassing trying to explain to people why none of my family were there. So it’s not that I don’t invite them to things either!

The fact that you are suggesting opposite issues with you (too loud or quiet - surely you must have an idea which it could be?) suggests that you don't really think it could be either of those - have you genuinely never had a row, said something that silenced the room, caught awkward glances between family members in response to something you've said?

Self reflection isn't easy, but it seems like a LOT of people are deliberately excluding you, so it's worth considering whether they have an impression of you that they aren't impressed by, or whether you have said something in the past that might have put someone's backs up? Have you noticed any issues that polarise you? Maybe they are the ones that hold awful views and object to your more 'reasonable' stance on them?

I think it's worth asking your mum if she's aware of any reason that you aren't included - surely if you are that close, she would want to explain anything she's aware of to help you feel more included?

I sympathise, its horrible feeling that way.
I'm NC with my family because they didn't include me in family stuff and were awful to me when they did. Don't have a close relationship with my dad, i have a family of my own, which I don't really feel part of, I'm just there to do the cooking, arranging etc. I'm not really valued or cared for, my happiness doesn't matter. My inlaws love their son, and excuse his behaviour, but they blame it on me.

It's horrible. It feels like we must've done multiple terrible things doesn't it! It's not fair, and I hope things improve for you

I can’t think of any occasion that I’ve upset anyone. I send birthday/Christmas cards…gifts for the kids etc. I’m not outspoken about anything in particular or have any grand views on anything.
We have a nice house and nice cars and go away on holiday as often as we can but we don’t talk about what we have…we certainly don’t boast about money or fancy trips away.
I don’t use Facebook/Instagram/twitter etc so I can’t have upset anyone unintentionally on there.

Perhaps I just need to accept that I’m not ‘one of the group’ that they enjoy meeting up together but not with me. I guess just because they’re family, it doesn’t mean they have to like you.
It’s a hard pill to swallow when I’ve tried my best to always be kind and help when I can.