How to actually make friends?!

[CoffeeLover90]

So, kind of a follow on from previous post. I've been in an abusive relationship for years. Been with him almost 17 years, I'm 31. In that time I gradually became isolated from school friends. I have a couple of friends locally, they're in loving relationships and have young children. Today my mam, quite rightly pointed out, that I've had no life and that once I was feeling up to it it's time I started. But how? I'm now a single mam, with an almost 3 year old and I work unsociable hours (evenings and weekends) I love the friends I have but I can't spend all my time with them, if they are going for day out it'll be as a family, me and DS can't tag along. So how do you debit? I can't believe at this age I'm even having to ask but it's what I've been driven to.

So first of all how do you change your work patterns because that is not gonna be conducive to you having any kind of life outside of work or parenting.

Do you go to any groups with your daughter? I’ve managed to make great friends through baby/toddler groups and asking if people want to go for coffee. Then we usually do it every couple of weeks and have started going for meals etc . But even looking after each other’s kids and having a chat and a coffee whilst the kids play, is lovely.
It can be awkward at first but stick it out!

Yes, look at work patterns first, if ex was abusive and can't have dc can your parents help with childcare some weekends so you can go out?

As for making new friends- Who do you work with? I have made lasting friendships through work, no different to making friends from school imo. I have also made friends from exercise groups, one an aqua class where you can chat to other people.

Toddler groups and classes. Have you tried peanut?

Changing work patterns is not an option. I work at a place where the busiest times are lates and weekends. I don't go to any groups so that would be a good start. The people I currently work with are a lot younger, they're lovely but we don't have a lot in common, they're working the shifts due to uni and I work them to fit around parenting.
I think I'm worried because I'd taken him back in the past as the loneliness got the better of me.

All you can do is trying to make friends through your child, nursery, groups, apps (frolo for single parents, the friendship one not dating one) that will be the easiest way.

I have a theory on this (and could say a lot more). Imagine some concentric circles:
1 in the centre, and the smallest circle is You.
2 in the next smallest are your intimate friends. You can fit around three people in here. They are the people you can confide your deepest stuff in.
3 friends. The people you can call up and say, "do you want to do X?"
4 acquaintances. The people you know and can hang out with when you're both in the same place, e.g. playground or gym class.
5 familiar faces. You recognise these people but probably don't know their name. E.g. cashier in local shop or someone who lives up the street.
6 strangers.

People start on the outside in circle 6, and you can move them closer to the middle. But it's a numbers game. The more strangers you can be around, the wider the pool of people you have to move inwards.

Can you career change? Not now perhaps but it is not long till dc is at school, take the time now to do ground work of seeing what jobs that do a 9-5 weekday are around that you fancy and see what you need to get in to them. Or apprenticeships eg my place is a huge financial company, it does professional apprenticeships and pays £20k a year while paying for your qualification and you have a job at the end of it. Get yourself placed so that you can move when dc is at school.

And groups are great, get chatting, suggest a coffee etc build up your connections with people and some will stick.

And ps your friends from school with dc are probably great for catching up with the kids, nice way to spend a day, especially as they get a little older and you can chat more.

I'll be your friend 😊

Seriously though, I sometimes feel the same so you're not alone. I've been going to baby groups for a while and haven't made any "mum friends" so I'm starting to think I'm not the social butterfly I once was!