I think things are coming to a head for how much I can quietly tolerate my husband’s youngest brother and I need some advice.
He is the youngest in the family and is babied by everyone, despite the fact he is now as old as we were when we got married and owned a home etc. (just to make clear there’s only 7 years between my DH and his brother so not a huge age gap.) He’s always drifted from thing to thing - failed a-levels so went on a gap year, returned and did numerous different jobs and was adamant he didn’t want to go to uni, suddenly at the age of 24 decided he desperately did want to go to uni but needed to fund raise for this specific course which DH gave a significant amount of money too, and has paid him a monthly (small) pocket money during… Just a bit of what I would call a dreamer.
Anyway, DH has always adored his brother, apparently since his brother was born. He loves him to bits, has always supported him with money, advice, help in any way. He gives a LOT of time and energy to him and is a really lovely and thoughtful brother. In return, his brother still acts like a 15 year old - he takes money, refuses advice until he has made bad decisions and needs bailing out, and just generally doesn’t show any real gratitude or care for his older siblings, especially my DH. He’ll ignore messages for weeks or give one word answers, but then be on the phone with DH for hours when he needed his help in a situation with his girlfriend. Meanwhile he has never once asked me, my DH or any of his other siblings about their own lives or the problems in them whilst I have been in earshot. He just doesn’t care. I let this go when he was younger as I expected he’d grow out of it, but he hasn’t. He’s gotten more selfish and self-centred, but I feel like the only person in DH’s family who can see it. It’s all very strange.
It came to a head when for DH’s birthday he got nothing, not even a card, from his brother. It’s the first time I could tell it upset him even though now he says he isn’t bothered. I just feel completely done with him and his selfishness - to not even buy your brother a card is disgusting to me. I can’t understand it.
What do I do in this situation? Whenever I bring it up with DH he makes excuses, but I can tell the situation upsets him. I feel like he’s in an abusive relationship with his own brother and I don’t know what I can do to help? Any advice from people who have been in similar situations, in either position? I feel worried about overstepping my in-law boundaries.