Avoiding narcissists/gaslighters/abusive men

[Springhassprung86]

Hi,
Looking for recommendations on books please.
Things to help break bad relationship habits such as falling for love bombing, ignoring red flags of gaslighting and abusive men. Something to help understand why we fall for these men and how to break the cycle.
Thanks.

Revolution from within by Gloria steinem

Hi!

Almost three years ago I got out of a five year relationship, and hindsight become a massive element in the grieving/break up process, it helped me move forward massively.

Daniel Chidiac's the modern breakup helped me tremendously, I read it within a few hours and then re-read it and highlighted passages that were relevant to me and my situation at the time.

It's not your traditional self help book but it made me realise I wasn't alone and the issues I was facing were being talked about...

I highly recommend!

Best,

Ash 💖

I don't have any recommendations myself, but would love too see anything that other MN's reccomend. My problem has always been, that the men that I've been in relationships with like this, have always taken time, it's not always apparent that they have red flags. It's a great thing you're asking, as I could do with something too x

Thanks to you all.
I should add this isn’t for me-it’s a close friend who’s identified patterns with the relationships she ends up in. She is such a loving, trusting person. I wonder if these types of men hone in on women with her personality type?

@Tothemoonandbackx sending lots of love x

I should add, in my friends case, there are often red flags earlier on, which she ignores because she likes to see the best in people, or because they “love bomb” her and she falls for it. She feels like therapy would really benefit her but sadly out of her budget.

Check out HG Tudor.
Narcissist specialist as he is one himself.
Lots of videos on YouTube. Has books but I haven't read them.

Dr Ramani has a fantastic YouTube channel about all things narcissistic.

She also has some books and always recommends other by different authors.

youtube.com/c/DoctorRamani

Not to sound cheesy but my life and my every day interactions completely changed after finding her channel.

Get your friend to do the Freedom Programme x

Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that
George Simon - In sheep’s clothing
Debbie Mirza - the covert passive aggressive narcissist

All really helpful, trouble is once you’ve become enlightened and try to date again you see there are a lot of shit men out there.

Definitely learn to trust your instincts and not ignore red flags

www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/131380.Lundy_Bancroft

Can I just say-this definitely is about my friend and not me 😂

I’m in a loving and happy relationship, so find it really difficult to relate to what she’s telling me and why she puts up with it. It’s so frustrating. I really want to help her.
Thanks for all suggestions so far.

I know that hearing detailed examples often brings clarity to our understanding of how to spot these patterns (which is why books are good) but there are straightforward answers to your questions above that if you can accept them and work from there, you'll

1. You can stop falling for love bombing by internalising the understanding that getting to know someone genuinely well enough to commit your valuable time, money, sexual exclusivity, future planning and living space to them CANNOT BE RUSHED. It takes many months/years to get to know someone properly, through seeing them in many different situations and you should not commit your heart to them just because the sex is amazing or they're treating you like a princess or you have SO MUCH in common. You have to take the time to see whether their actions fade over time or stop matching up with their words. Enjoy the fun but don't put your heart on the table for a year, minimum.

If someone is telling you that you're amazing and they've never met anyone like you and painting big pictures for your future together within the first three or four months of meeting them, that's a huge red flag that they are idealising you and projecting all sorts of fantasies onto you. It's also a huge red flag that you are idealising and projecting if you find yourself doing this about them.

1. You can stop missing red flags of gaslighting by constantly reminding yourself that your feelings are valid and right for YOU as a unique individual, and if someone is telling you otherwise, it's because the two of you are not a good fit. It doesn't matter if you're right and they're wrong, or they're right and you're wrong, you're just not a good fit. If someone tells you that they think you're oversensitive, too demanding, irrational, making something out of nothing, imagining things, don't seem to be able to understand what they're telling you, etc, thank them for their honesty and move on. If you find yourself thinking that your partner is oversensitive, too demanding, making something out of nothing, imagining things, doesn't seem able to understand what you're saying, etc, congratulate yourself on having found your boundaries and move on.

1. The reason you fall for abusive men is because you feel like they're offering you something you don't think you can achieve completely by yourself. Maybe it's validation that you really are beautiful, maybe it's financial security, maybe you feel like you're running out of time to have children, maybe it's a cure for loneliness and boredom because most of your friends are partnered up, maybe it's the approval of your parents. Any gap or insecurity that you have leaves a hole that an abusive man can step into. Work on truly filling those gaps up first on your own and then you'll be immune to fuckers looking to exploit them for their own ends.

Pat Craven, Living with the dominator

and work from there you'll be fine.

This one.

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XFKNB2Y/ref=cmswwrcppapi_0ZTRZMM5Q5AVF495Y0T2

@CheekyHobson thank you for your words-so insightful and makes so much sense. I’ve forwarded them on.

@Springhassprung86 You're welcome... hard-earned by being a (former) idiot with Disney romance ideals and poor boundaries. Hope it's helpful.

Say no. Establish your boundaries, discuss them like adults, but make sure that you guard what is important to you. If you those things don't align with him then you're not right for one another. If he won't respect your right to want certain things, then that tells you what you need to know about him - ditch. If he doesn't treat you as an equal with wants and needs, then it's not a healthy relationship.

@Notimeforaname

Dr Ramani has a fantastic YouTube channel about all things narcissistic. She also has some books and always recommends other by different authors.

youtube.com/c/DoctorRamani

Not to sound cheesy but my life and my every day interactions completely changed after finding her channel.

Yes... Agree wholeheartedly!

She is a Clinical Psychologist and Uni Professor with special interest in this area.

All her channel is (obvs) free...

However, she also does a paid programme for about 20£ monthly whicb is pretty interactive, and really gets down to the detail of these relationships.

The other person who is another psychologist
Dr Les Carter... He also does a YouTube channel

The Baggage reclaim website is awesome and has loads of good articles on lots of different situations and being strong with abusive/manipulative/ distant types: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/list-of-posts/
Natalie Lue, whose website it is, also has a book, Mr Unavailable and the fallback girl, which is also a good read.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker

Very good on red flags and predatory behaviour.

@CheekyHobson

Great post- thanks

No recommendations, but hope others work for the help you wish to give as a kind friend.

Lundy Bancroft should I stay or should I go. If your friend downloads scribd and has a free trial she can read it for free. Half the book is about rebuilding your life and what a healthy relationship is and how to get in to one.

Get out of the mindset of narcissistic/PDs and diagnosing people. Some people are but putting all of the accountability onto them takes your power away. She has to dig deep and see that she played a part in these relationships by ignoring the red flags and getting in to them.

Baggage reclaim is good reading but doesn't have exercises to do.

Co dependency for dummies also has great exercises for rebuilding your life and figuring out who you are.