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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you book a holiday in this situation?

26 replies

Holidayyayornay · 04/04/2022 21:50

I've got a significant birthday coming up later this year. My last such birthday 10 years ago was awful, I had a party I didn't really want, lots of people didn't turn up, or came late/left early, and all in all it was a real damp squib. So much so I said at the time I'd never have another party.

Anyway, birthday is approaching. Not doing a party. Was thinking of arranging meal out with 'close' friends/their partners/my DP but haven't heard from any of them since January, my messages have gone unanswered. Will do drinks with some local friends and go for a pub meal with DP and my grown up DC which is fine but what I'd do any year really.

I started thinking today maybe I should go away? I still try to do s holiday every year with the children even though they're grown up and part of me feels bad for leaving them out. We normally get s cottage somewhere for a week and I'm not sure if I could afford to do that and a foreign holiday for DP and I, as I'd have to pay the full cost of the holiday as DP is not in a good place financially. I'm also conscious that with the cost of living rises i probably could only pay for 1 break and it feels mean to just go away on my own.

The holiday I've found is about £1500 for both of us, which is about what I'd pay for our cottage holidays it's a lovely hotel in the Greek islands, 30 min transfer from the airport, premium room with its own private pool, all inclusive, for the price it seems like a good deal.

Just to add DP and I don't live together in case thats relevant, but my children do still live at home with me.

I would like a nice holiday for my birthday but I feel guilty for leaving the kids out/possibly having to forgo our UK break.

YABU - book something in UK for all of you
YANBU - book the holiday for you and DP as a birthday present to yourself.

OP posts:
Flockameanie · 04/04/2022 21:52

How old are your DC?

regularbutpanickingabit · 04/04/2022 21:53

Go go go!

Alwayspaintyournails · 04/04/2022 21:56

It would depend on the ages of the children for me.

Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 04/04/2022 21:56

Definitely treat yourself to a relaxing holiday with your DP. As your children are adults a meal out to celebrate your birthday sounds perfect either before or after your holiday.

Original poster
Holidayyayornay · 04/04/2022 22:00

Children are both over 18, they're 24 and 20. One is going away with friends later in the year so will get a holiday regardless but the other won't unless we go away as a family.

OP posts:
LoveSpringDaffs · 04/04/2022 22:00

Yep dinner out with your DC, the trip YOU want, for YOUR birthday.

Get the kids together & see IF they want to pitch in & do a family holiday in the summer? If you don't have pots of money, you can't continue to take your adult children in holiday every year, that's just life.

LittleOwl153 · 04/04/2022 22:09

Yeah I would ask the kids the question. Presumably they are working at those ages? Do they want to come - can they pay for themselves as you can't do it all?

TomAllenWife · 04/04/2022 22:14

For the love of god why can't anyone on MN go on holiday without their kids, its not healthy

Yours are even adults and your worried they won't get a UK break Hmm

FGS go, enjoy time with your DP

LtJudyHopps · 04/04/2022 22:15

Put yourself first, go on the holiday abroad! Enjoy your birthday with a cocktail overlooking the sea.
Do a meal with the kids when you’re back or on your birthday if you’re not away for it. If they both work they should be pitching in for any family holidays any way!

Original poster
Holidayyayornay · 04/04/2022 22:16

They couldn't afford to pay to come with us, one is still studying so not working or earning, and the other is on a lowish wage (and already committed to a fairly expensive holiday with friends). This holiday would be in 'term time' so the timings wouldn't work either really.

Plus I'd feel even worse asking them to pay for themselves if I'm paying for DP!

OP posts:
44PumpLane · 04/04/2022 22:17

To be honest I'd probably book the trip just for me and go to a spa or yoga retreat or something, just to get away from it all.

It seems a bit of a bummer you having to pay for you non live in partner to celebrate your big birthday....but maybe I'm just so starved of alone time I would think of any excuse! :)

Thisismynamenow · 04/04/2022 22:26

My parents stopped taking us on holiday at 18, I'm 28 now and we're going on our first 'family holiday' in a decade this year. But only because in drenthe first grandkid and my parents want to take them away!
Go enjoy a holiday without your kids! It won't kill them not going!!

DingDongDenny · 04/04/2022 22:34

They have the rest of their adult lives to travel, this is your big celebration and you should do whatever you fancy

timeforteaforyouandme · 04/04/2022 22:37

Lots of different questions all muddled up here

  1. how much do you personally want to go abroad?
  2. How much do you want a hol just the two of you?
  3. Will your DC actually mind?
  4. At what point are DC responsible for earning their own money if they want a holiday?
  5. Why do we make such a big deal of these "big birthdays"
  6. Why are friends so rubbish at partying (mine also didnt show for my 40th)
  7. Are you feeling guilty about "choosing your DP "over" your DC esp the younger one or maybe sad that they are growing up and don't need you so much

At the end of the day I think your birthday your money your choice!

anotherbloodyyearofcovid · 04/04/2022 22:42

@Holidayyayornay

They couldn't afford to pay to come with us, one is still studying so not working or earning, and the other is on a lowish wage (and already committed to a fairly expensive holiday with friends). This holiday would be in 'term time' so the timings wouldn't work either really.

Plus I'd feel even worse asking them to pay for themselves if I'm paying for DP!

Your child who has committed to an expensive holiday didn't offer to take you away or do something special for your birthday. They're spending on themselves. You go and treat yourself to something nice that you want to do.

Original poster
Holidayyayornay · 04/04/2022 22:56

DP would prefer to pay for himself, but in reality he couldn't afford it. If I said holiday he'd be thinking £200 for a couple of nights away in the UK rather than £750 for a week abroad. And I wouldn't want to go on my own.

Do I want to go on holiday? It wasn't my original birthday plan, I didn't have much of a plan to be honest, but now I'm thinking it might be nice. If I don't go then I won't really do anything big to celebrate.

I don't think my children will mind, they're pretty self sufficient. However I would never want them to think I'm choosing DP over them :(

OP posts:
VanCleefArpels · 04/04/2022 22:57

You do not need to cater for your adult children - the student should be working during the holidays anyway if for no other reason than to have something to put in a CV after graduation. So go on this lovely holiday for some proper time with your partner with no guilt!

Notimeforaname · 04/04/2022 23:03

Stop the madness! Where is all this guilt coming from ? You sound like a great mum but please please start doing things for yourself.

I have known of you for all of about 2 minutes and I so desperately want you to have your premium room and private pool! 😭🤣

If you can afford to pay the 1500 go for it.

Notimeforaname · 04/04/2022 23:06

Invite your partner. Tell him its what you want (if it is) and hopefully he accepts your offer. If he doesn't, PM me 🤣🤣

Original poster
Holidayyayornay · 05/04/2022 08:18

The guilt is a funny thing, I never felt the guilt when my children were little and I was working, but over the last few years, now they're adults, I really feel it. I didn't have much money when they were growing up, we never went on many holidays (although they did have a few expensive hols with their dad, my Ex) and I am sad about that.

OP posts:
BrownStripePJ · 05/04/2022 08:23

If you would like to go abroad, I would go with DP and leave the adult kids at home.

Gowithme · 05/04/2022 08:37

Definitely go and have a wonderful time!! However if you going to go and just feel guilty the whole time then I think you'd be better off rethinking.

If that's the case I would book an airbnb apartment with 3 rooms on one of the bigger Greek Islands ie Rhodes, Crete (around £100 a night), you can probably get easyjet flights for around £200 each - total cost £1500. Food wouldn't be included though so that would be an extra expense. Better to have a less luxurious hol where you're happy though then loads of luxury but you feel guilty the whole time.

Do what's going to make you feel happiest, it's a good time/age for you to put yourself first for once.

Lottie4 · 05/04/2022 09:04

Yes, definitely do the trip and leave DC at home. We first left DD at home when she was 17 (on her own with no siblings) - she couldn't wait to see the back of us.

StrangeCondition · 05/04/2022 09:08

Bloody hell, I stopped going on my parents holidays when I was 16 and went on my first girls holiday when I was 17. Just go and have a couples holiday, they are grown adults, they will cope

M0rT · 05/04/2022 09:08

I think your children will probably not see it as you choosing your DP over them, but as you going on a couple holiday for your birthday. There is no need to tell them or anyone you are paying for your DP.
Honestly, take the chance for some sun and relaxation and go!