In laws / indirect racism

[Tyrellan]

I have experienced racism 3 times after attending family functions at the in laws. I am mixed and both sides of my heritage have been talked about in a derogatory way. They are always due to that particular person forgetting that I am there, so each time they have quickly backtracked. It's also not just 1 person so im guessing it's due to how they were raised.

They are a white english family and I'm pretty sure I am the only person of colour that has been involved with someone in their family.

I personally would like to distance myself from family functions, they are nice enough people but this really bothers me especially as my children are present and hear the comments.

This will upset DH but it's how I feel.

AIBU?

YANBU. And they aren’t nice enough people!

Have you called out the offender to their face in front of adult witnesses, and told everyone in the family how offensive it is and harmful to your kids?

YANBU. Have you talked to DH about it? What does he day?

Your husband thinks that you and your children should keep visiting some racist relation? Why on earth does he think this is OK? Is he their father?

Is it one relative who makes the comments? Are the others standing round nodding, or quietly squirming?

I think before you stop going to family things, DH should talk to the person who makes the comments and all the rest of the family and explain that your family is proud of your heritage and derogatory comments are rude, wrong and offensive to your entire family (DH and kids as well, not just you). It needs to be him, not you. He's bringing you into the family, he needs to be sure it either respects you or else he shouldn't want to be part of it.

I’d do the same as you and keep yourself and your children away from these functions.

As @2bazookas says have you called out these relations about their comments?

I’m not black nor mixed race but I used to have dinner parties with DB and our friends, one of whom was black and another mixed race (both female). At one of these events one of our mutual friends D (more DB’s friend than mine) who’s South African, liked to make racist comments (but mild ones) to provoke them and when he got drunk. The women didn’t really want to rock the boat by saying anything but told me afterwards they were upset and one time it happened out of my earshot and another time I called him out on it and was told “oh I’m only joking”. I spoke to DB to say that I didn’t want D there if he’s gong to carry on like that and offend and upset my friends. Funnily enough D actually stopped saying these comments and once even apologised to both of them for saying them when he next saw them. He seemed sincere so we let it go.

Try to take the positive out of the situation, you say the quickly backtrack when they remember you are there. That's good as it suggests that they realise what they are saying might be offensive to you. On some level perhaps they realise what they're saying is offensive, period. They probably see a difference between "people I've met who are of a particular background" and "all the people I've never met of the same background." That's classic racist doublethink, simultaneously believing that people of a background are inherently inferior, but also believing that people of that background they know are actually fine. In the long run that's how racists learn that their views are wrong, because someone presented with enough evidence will change their opinion.

Obviously that doesn't help you in the here and now.

Why would you be concerned about your husband's feelings when he hasn't stepped up to call out his racist,ignorant family? Why hasn't he given an ultimatum?

I have 2, DH is father to one. My other dc has darker skin like me.

DH apologises when it's happened. However, you can tell that he has grown up around it, and it's just the norm to him.

I haven't flagged it when it happens as mainly I hoped my dc didn't hear, and me questioning them would guarantee they hear it. But also, I'm just not really comfortable doing that, it's not my personality. Usually I just wouldn't bother with people like that again, difficult this time as its DH's family.

@EKGEMS

Why would you be concerned about your husband's feelings when he hasn't stepped up to call out his racist,ignorant family? Why hasn't he given an ultimatum?

This.

Your husband thinks it's ok for his wife and the child that doesn't look like him, to listen to racist remarks about them. The other child looks on and learns, what? What do you think?

Two siblings, of different colour. One being othered. The other not.

If your husband thinks this behaviour is the norm, and refuses to step up, and you accept it, how do you think this will affect your children's relationship with each other?

Dh can go to family functions, you don’t have to. I wouldn’t were I experiencing racism, no way!

Your husband has a lot of important reading to do if “it’s just the norm for him”.

I’m really sorry you’re facing this. He should be 100% behind you on this, calling out his family (when your DCs aren’t there) and distancing himself and you from them if they continue to spout racist nonsense. Does he not understand how hurtful and harmful this is to you and to his DCs???

So, I live in a predominately white area, an affluent area also. It has become apparent to me that even after decades have passed, the mixed or otherwise non white minority has never developed. I ask myself why? I find that in many rural areas this is the case and I cant understand why. Is having a housing stipulation under the council that requests that only people with family ties to the area can apply to put their name forward for the housing association schemes? is that possibly an undercurrent of racism?

@Nicholethejewellery

Try to take the positive out of the situation, you say the quickly backtrack when they remember you are there. That's good as it suggests that they realise what they are saying might be offensive to you. On some level perhaps they realise what they're saying is offensive, period. They probably see a difference between "people I've met who are of a particular background" and "all the people I've never met of the same background." That's classic racist doublethink, simultaneously believing that people of a background are inherently inferior, but also believing that people of that background they know are actually fine. In the long run that's how racists learn that their views are wrong, because someone presented with enough evidence will change their opinion.

Obviously that doesn't help you in the here and now.

Are you actually being serious?