Joint gifts

[Thingsthatgo]

This frustrates me all the time, but I am careful tight with money, so maybe IABU.
I come from a large family, and all of my siblings have been fairly successful money-wise. DH and I don't have loads of money but we are careful with it. We do own our house, and we go on holiday, but usually camping or similar in the U.K. most of our money goes on children's hobbies, and we save a bit each month, maybe £500 but that's only by not having coffees out or lunches out etc. The money is for university etc for our children.
My siblings often suggest joint gifts or joint holidays, which are much more than I would usually spend. They are nice about it, but I am always the one saying that it's more than I would choose to spend. In theory, I have enough money, but I don't want to spend that much. I don't mind if they go ahead without me, but they won't. Often someone will offer to pay my share, but I don't really want them to do that either. I know that I am probably being unreasonable, because what I want is for them to stop suggesting such expensive joint gifts, but that's unfair on them.
My DH never spends as much on his family. (We share all money, we don't have any separate money). Am I being unreasonable? I can't accept charity when We have money in savings, but those savings are important to us.

Stop doing gifts. We have a wide range of finances in my family and you either pitch at the lowest level or don’t do it. Just say nicely that just now you have some other priorities and would be happy to drop exchanging gifts but will really look forward to spending time together.

Totally agree with Matilda ... we long gave up giving siblings presents, much nicer to spend time together. It does involve an initial conversation but life is so much easier when that is out of the way.

Could you not do the occasional trip? You family obviously love you and want to see you and while I agree that saving is important, it's also important to maintain relationships and have some fun.
It sounds a bit miserable to me to never buy a coffee or lunch out or never participate in bigger family events like a holiday.

Yeah, I have put forward the idea of stopping gifts, and we have stopped for Christmas but everyone else wanted to carry on for birthdays. I guess I could be the only one that stops exchanging gifts, but that's seems a bit miserable too.
I do see my extended family quite often, and we all have lunch out together sometimes, I just meant that I tend to take a picnic out for my immediate family, rather than go to cafes and restaurants.
We do spend our money on fun stuff, I'm just careful to spend it wisely I guess, so I'd chose a place that takes clubcard vouchers or has a deal on, rather than just randomly picking somewhere.
Maybe I just need to be the one who suggest the plans first! I'll suggest we all go camping instead of waiting for someone else to suggest centreparcs!

I agree, if you are able to afford to save that much a month, then you and your DH are being miserly.

You could suggest a fun camping trip rather than Centreparcs, but it won't be cheap for those who have no camping equipment and have to buy it in order to go.

YANBU in not wanting to spend extra money. But YABU to say £500 a month savings is a little bit. Personally I don’t understand the logic of not having trips away or only doing UK camping to save money, when you have the money to have some nicer trips and also still save. I’m guessing you just don’t want to go on trips with these people really. Expensive presents is fair enough though, I wouldn’t spend a fortune on gifts for others routinely either.

If your husband spent more on his family would you spend on yours? I’m not going to lie it does sound fairly miserable , admirable, but miserable all the same,I just can’t tell if you’re actuall doing this becayse you want to or because you feel you should.

Who earns what in your relationship? And do you really take a picnic so you don’t have to buy food?

I think I probably do it because I want to. I don't take a picnic to an arranged lunch out, I take a picnic if we, for example, go to the zoo for the day and use our clubcard vouchers to pay for entry.
But, I accept that IABU. I guess I just want to spend our money on things that I choose to, instead of feeling obliged to spend it on other stuff. I enjoy camping as much as centreparcs, if not more so. But, maybe that's how it works, and I'm just being a bit selfish.

I think you need to explain to them properly. If you don’t explain then they won’t understand really. And part of the joy of life is giving and spending time with loved ones, the shared memories.

I mean this gently but as long as this isn’t your husband controls the money, you are reliant on him financially, and you just can’t join in. Because that’s a whole different animal.

@Ionlydomassiveones
Where does the op 'plead poverty'?
The op is putting money away for her kids, well that's the way I read it

The holidays is fairly easy to just say - thanks for asking but we just prefer to do our own thing - find if more relaxing.

How often do they suggest 'joint gifts' ? Who are they all for ?
I think if you are getting something - say parents' Golden wedding or something then you should suck it up and save a bit less that month, but if it is a regular thing, then continue to say you would rather just stick to your own thing.

£500 a month, every month is a lot of money to be 'saving for university' (and I speak as someone who is on their 3rd child going through university, who didn't have the money to save up in advance) but that isn't really the business of your siblings. It could be that you were over paying the mortgage. Is that more or less 'worthy' ?

My DH doesn't control our money. He earns more than me but he never questions any purchases I make. We would probably discuss anything we wanted to buy over £100, but he trusts me completely and I trust him. We have the same attitude towards spending. If there is something either of us want, we do a bit of research to work out the best way to buy it. I quite enjoy the challenge.
We currently have in savings about 6 months of living expenses, so it's not loads. We bought our house about a year ago, which wiped out our savings then.

It’s totally up to you what you do and how you prioritise what to buy. What I would say though is that life is short and if you spent say 1 month of those savings on a trip with your family, I doubt that you would regret it and you and your children will have those memories forever. You can’t buy time back with grandparents etc when they are older.

I get you. I would rather take a packed lunch and have more trips out than waste £££ on chappy food.

I understand not wanting to contribute to expensive presents.

Could you say....."let's not do presents this year, let's spend the money and have a couple of nights in a Premier inn at X location together." Could be by the sea so activities are beach related, arcades, fish and chips, or could be a city break with free museums and galleries.

Sounds utterly joyless.

If in a year you've built up 6mo savings then you're saving loads. Life isn't all about tucking money away for a rainy day.

Tbh it depends how much they're asking for. We have tight family members who are perfectly comfortable, it's kinda shit that they make it clear that we're worth so little to them.

Don't forget though, that the OP and her dh have been able to build up saving because they have been sensible with their decisions.

I too would take a picnic and I too would take advantage of offers as and when they come out. Just common sense to me.