To get married in these circumstances?

[brideeventually]

Been with my fiancé for 7 years, have a child together and recently our much wanted second baby passed away. We were supposed to get married in 2020 in Cuba, it got cancelled by covid lockdowns, rescheduled for the end of last year but I got pregnant so we cancelled due to it being long haul. We decided not to plan another as we didn't want to get married whilst I was pregnant or with a newborn and just wanted to focus on our family for a bit. Unfortunately I had a stillbirth last month and it's been hell for lack of a better word. Over the weekend we just thought well we are of course heartbroken, but we now have nothing stopping us and need a bit of joy so let's just get married and booked a small wedding local to us for the summer. The reaction was largely good but we've definitely had a few comments, from some of my nearest and dearest, about the timing and how it's too soon given what we've been through and the trauma etc. I disagree in the sense we've not just met and are rushing into something, we have a mortgage, a child, shared finances, we are all but married anyway. Really it's just something to talk about and plan that isn't horrible and sad and is a nice distraction and gives us something to look forward to. Am I coming from a place of grief with that opinion? Is it too soon after a trauma? Nothing will ever bring our little boy back but life has to go on

Sorry for your loss. Grief is very personal thing and everyone does what's right for them. There is no right way.

If you want to get married, get married. To hell with what anyone else things & their unhelpful comments.

I hope you have a great day!

I'm so sorry for your losses. Having had both a stillborn DD and several miscarriages I would definitely go ahead and have that lovely wedding!

You are right in that having something to look forward to will help you no end, for me it was holidays as DH and I were already married.

Don''t listen to anyone, it is between you and your partner.

I hope you have a lovely day OP.

but we've definitely had a few comments, from some of my nearest and dearest, about the timing and how it's too soon given what we've been through and the trauma etc.

I’m so very sorry you lost your baby. I, too, lost my second son before he was born and it’s a hideous thing to live through.

This is all about you and your bloke and what the two of you want. Only you know how you feel and this is right for you. It’s nobody else’s business and they have no right to force their opinions on you.

Do exactly what you want. If these people truly are your nearest and dearest, they’ll be happy for you and support you. 💐

The only people whos opinions are worth having on this are yours and your partners.

I'm sorry for your losses, and can completely see why you would want to start a new chapter after such a painful time, my only hesitation would be if your relationship had been very rocky in the past, then it might be a cause for concern for those who love you.

sorry to hear about your baby.
If it's what you feel you'd like to do, that it would make you happy and give you a more joyful focus, just get on and enjoy it.
Dis-invite anyone that's putting a downer on the plan.
My mother was still thinking about the baby she lost nearly 50 years later - obviously the pain gets less raw, but thoughts of the child that isn't with you will always be there.

I think it's a lovely idea. You're at more than the right stage in your life and it gives you something fun to plan and celebrate around your love and supportive relationship. Something you have control over which will help you right now. Enjoy.

I'm so sorry. Only you will know whether you're doing the right thing in organising something positive to look forwards to and more importantly whether you can deal with it.

I can't imagine what you're going through and I just wanted to send you my love.

If this feels right to you, then that's all that matters. It doesn't mean you're forgetting your darling boy or that you'll just stop grieving. You aren't rushing in to a commitment you aren't ready for. Have a wonderful wedingx

I lost my first son to a very late stillbirth, a long time ago, but i remember it clearly. DH and i went abroad for a much needed break as soon as i got the medical all-clear afterwards.
I think if anyone had said it was too soon I'd have let them have it with both barrels. There is no right or wrong thing for you to do in this situation and they are in no position to judge anyway.
Have your wedding as and when you want it, I hope it will be a wonderful day for you, your OH and your child.

Tell them it what you want and what you need. Tell them. They don’t have to understand, just to be there for you.

I’m amazed anyone is questioning you.

Just say this is what you want to do. You don’t need opinions, you decided this is right for you.

Sorry for your loss.

It's good to have things to look forward to, all the best for a lovely wedding:

So very sorry for your loss. I think its a great idea to have something to look forward to.

Thank you for the reassurance. I was told the whole thing would be tainted by grief if we do it as a distraction from the grief but I wanted to view it more as making a positive from a dark situation. Perhaps it's surprise from such a glam abroad wedding turning into something a lot more low key and questioning whether I'll regret it but it sounds perfect to me after the stress of trying to plan the abroad one.

Surely the point of a wedding is to formalise the joining of your lives together. The need to do that now, in this pain, makes sense to me. And you don't need to be abroad spending 29k to make it happy and full of lvoe and laughter.

I would do it if that's what you and your partner want. People are very keen to tell you how you should be grieving, but everyone is different.
I've had a late loss too, and the shared pain brought me and my husband closer. I don't see our loss as something which put a 'pause' on our relationship journey, but something which is part of our story and which has shaped us. I think you can celebrate that - the good and bad which has made you who you both are, together.

A massive party might feel a bit much for you when it comes to it, but since you're planning something small I'm sure you'll be fine. Just be prepared to feel sad at times on the day. Maybe set aside some time in the morning to think about your wee boy ❤️

I think it’s entirely appropriate and not unexpected at all that you would want to get married now. Have a lovely day. 💐 for your loss

Oh my dear, I would have thought a coming together in marriage would be entirely appropriate in these circumstances. A celebration of your love and commitment in the hardest of times. I can’t imagine why anyone would think otherwise.

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through.
Only you know what's right for you and your family, and your post sounds like this was what was right for you, but other people's opinions are causing you to doubt yours.
Yes you are grieving. But this isn't a shocking, out of the blue decision. You know what's best for you, and if focusing on something filled love and joy feels like something you want to do then you do you ❤️

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s a truly heartbreaking this. I too had a stillborn son (back in 2019) and I found a lot of people showed their true colours after losing him.

If you feel it’s right, and it’s what you both want and you’d like something to look forward too, sod everyone else and do it! You’ve got to do what makes you guys happy. Sending you so much love x

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Of course you must do whatever feels right (or closest to right) for you and your partner. No-one should be questioning you in these circumstances.

You do what is right for you

I'd say in the darkest grief the one thing people seek is love and light.

Whilst nowhere near as heartbreaking as your terrible loss, I went out and bought a new car the day my beloved father died. Grief does weird things, is deeply personal and no one else's bloody business.

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through the awful experience of losing your baby son. All my sympathy goes to you, your fiance and your older child; this must be so hard for you as a family.

Personally, I think it's a lovely idea to get married. You're already a family unit, and I think it's completely understandable that you want to cement and celebrate that. You already had firm plans to marry, so it's not like you're rushing into anything or the idea to get married has come from nowhere.

I think that sometimes, a life event such as a loss or a serious illness or even something external like the pandemic just makes us reevaluate things a bit. You and your fiance have really had your relationship tested in the toughest of ways and it sounds like the destination wedding you originally planned in Cuba just doesn't feel as important any more, in comparison to being able to get married sooner rather than later with the people you love around you. I can totally understand why, given what you've been through as a family, you'd want a lovely, intimate wedding on the near horizon - I think it sounds like a wonderful idea, and if it feels right to you and your fiance, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

I hope you have a lovely wedding day - congratulations in advance

I agree, life has to go on. What will waiting another month, two months etc do? It wont change what happened. So If you feel it's a good time then don't worry about what others think.