Was this unreasonable? What should I do now?

[marcemarsh]

Was this unreasonable?
Okay. I feel bad for this. I think I know the answer but I’m still going to put this here.
DD 7 had leg surgery a couple of weeks ago and struggled with things like going upstairs and dressing. This has tired me out so I’ve been irritable. The PMS doesn’t help either.
I was brushing DD’s hair and she cries like a banshee. She’s not defiant or anything but she does cry. Her hair is very think so I suppose that’s why. She wasn’t doing anything wrong really. I was brushing it and taking her hair clips out. I couldn’t take the noise anymore and threw the clips across the room and I stopped brushing. I started screaming at her and she was crying more. I feel bad because she wasn’t even arguing back, just crying. I told her she made me feel like a horrible person and she doesn’t appreciate me enough. I told her that I do so much for her even when I don’t want to. I sleep downstairs with her because she struggles to go upstairs after surgery. I’m exhausted and wanted her to know. Was this unreasonable, what should I do?

It's worrying that you are asking if your behaviour is unreasonable.

yes, it's unreasonable to put all your problems onto a 7 year old child. particularly one that is has just had surgery and is obviously struggling.

Go and apologise and think of better ways to manage your frustration.

That behaviour is downright abusive. Your poor DD.

I personally wouldn’t worry too much about it, like everyone said just apologise and give her a big hug and kiss and tell her how much you love her and your sorry for yelling. I think you will already be feeling guilty like mad and eating yourself up. We all have a breaking point and I’ve always said you never feel true guilt until your a parent. When I’ve snapped before the guilt I feel afterwards is horrific and it can go in for days I literally eat myself up with guilt even though my child is way over the scenario and moved on. Kids move on fast, it was blip and you probably feel bad enough

She's upstairs playing?

But yet your sleeping downstairs with her because she's struggling to go upstairs since surgery?

I get surgery is awful and she needs caring for but if your being taken for a ride as well it's no wonder you are also at the end of your tether.

Decide what's going to happen from now on. Speak to her, apologise for yelling and tell her you'll help with her hair if she doesn't wail like a banshee or you'll arrange to get it cut so she can manage it herself.

I told her she made me feel like a horrible person

Im not trying to kick you when you are down op, I get you feel bad. But please be very very careful saying things like the above. By teaching her she is responsible for other peoples feelings and reactions you risk her ending up in bad relationships, because abusers prey on people who feel like this.

You must know YABVU to do what you did but I don’t understand why you are sleeping downstairs if she is fit enough to get upstairs to play .

Is she’s screaming or crying when you’re brushing you need to stop, I know it’s hard to leave messy hair but it is her right to say no, stop. Completely empathise my daughter is the same with her hair and wanted it long and never brushed. She decided to have it cut short in the end, same age. Just leave the hair. Let her recover and apologise, your human and exhausted.

This is an excellent opportunity to show your child what an honest apology looks like and true regret. Also, how you can work together to make sure this doesn't happen again.

Perhaps she will understand the pressure you've been under and how sometimes people crack....not good but it happens and one day she might feel close to cracking.

OP keep doing your best xx

My mum solved my tangled long hair issue:

She took me to the salon and had it cut into a hideous pixie.

It was traumatizing, but no more tangles ever again.

@UsernameInTheTown

That behaviour is downright abusive. Your poor DD.

It is NOT abusive, get a hold of yourself FFS.

She is 7, not 3 and old enough to know that adults sometimes get frustrated. She isn't going to be scarred by her mum throwing some clips and raising her voice.
She's also old enough not to wail like a banshee when having her hair brushed.

Yes if this happened constantly then it would be a pattern of abuse, but a one off is a stressed out adult losing their cool, not an abused child.

OP, just apologize to her and explain what you did here. She will get over it.

Get an early night and drop all the unnecessary shite that doesn't matter right now.

Bloody hell OP it’s all me me me with you! Your DD’s the one who’s just had surgery. How frustrating do you think it must be for HER to have to rely on you to get around the house. Also, unless she has form for being a drama queen, she’s crying because she’s in pain so you stop brushing and comfort her not rant at her ffs!

She is 7, not 3 and old enough to know that adults sometimes get frustrated. She isn't going to be scarred by her mum throwing some clips and raising her voice.
She's also old enough not to wail like a banshee when having her hair brushed.

It's not just raising her voice - it's telling DD she is a horrible person and unappreciative.

And if OP's DD is old enough not to wail like a banshee, then OP is surely also old enough not to scream at her?

if this was a poster saying her DH had behaved like this, there would b be an awful lot of posts saying that she should LTB to protect her child.

For what it's worth, my mum behaved like this when I was a child too. It won't be just once, and it did scar me.

You know that you were unreasonable and you feel bad about it, I don't think posting here, knowing that you'll get told you're a bit of a shit will help. Go and apologise and move on.

Also, if she's having to rely on you heavily due to surgery, it would be good to promote independence where it's actually possible - in this instance, brushing her own hair. She''s got enough energy to play, she can run a brush through her hair. Added benefit of sparing you there hysterics.

@chisanunian

She'd have got a short sharp "STOP MAKING THAT NOISE" from me.

Can't stand banshee wails from tiny kids, let alone bigger ones. There's no way I'd put up with it from a 7-year-old.

WTF? Kids don't cry when having their hair brushed for no reason!

It's hurting her, it's making her very uncomfortable or she was sore, tired and emotional. She's only 7 ffs!

If you use detangle spray which is available at most stores which sell hair stuff this should help.

I use it too, even though its marketed for kids!

Well obviously it was but we all hit limits.

Apologise and own it. Can you get some time out / can someone else help for a few hours.

Invest in some spray conditioner to make the hair easier. There will be threads on here.

[quote Shouldbedoing]Apologise
And buy this brush. It's better than the tangleteaser
Deal: Boar Bristle Hair Brush set –JT JUSTIME Curved and Vented Detangling Hair Brush (Pink) www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08VJ49NY4/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_dl_H05YEB07ZK2K9B06XNWF?tag=mumsnetforu03-21[/quote]
I have ordered one of these (toddler DD has terribly knotty hair, and a great hatred for hair brushing). Fingers crossed it's a game changer! (Do already have a tangle tease and detangling spray, but it doesn't improve her experience 😩). I am quite tempted to cut it short, but she loves playing with it (which of course makes it all the more knotty)

I think you've had an easy ride on here tbh.

Completely unacceptable, and I agree that throwing stuff and screaming at a 7yo is abusive.

Well it's happened now, and is obviously very unreasonable, which you seem to know. I think you owe DD a huge apology and then you need to work out what can be done to take the pressure off you so it doesn't happen again. Can DH sleep downstairs instead, or take over some of the helping DD in another way? (I'm having flashbacks now to my Mum yanking at my hair when brushing it when I was a kid. It really was * painful!)

Just a tip on the hair. I have incredibly thick, curly hair, and my mum's is very thick. Don't brush it without conditioner in. The pain is unbelievable.

If her hair isn't the type that can have a leave in conditioner, then when brushing it, hold the hair at the root in your hand to create a bit of slack and brush bottom up. Just pulling on the hair with a brush is excruciating.

Categorically not OK to say those things to your 7yo and lose your rag in that way. My mother would do things like this and now in adulthood I realise I have never ever ever trusted her emotionally. Even when it seems like she's being kind and supportive, I'm always afraid that at some point she'll snap and say I've asked too much of her, I'm demanding, ungrateful, etc etc. As a teen I was sure never to ask her for so much as a lift. As an adult I don't confide anything in her.

Please, apologise to your daughter in the frankest and fullest way possible. Explain that you were very wrong to shout at her and say those things, and that in the moment it was a 'you' problem, not a 'her' problem. She did not create any of this. Explain all this to her, apologise, then never do it again.

When you brush her her do you hold the hair between her head and where you are brushing and start at the ends, you can work on making it less painful?

Another person saying that, yes, it's abusive to take out your own anger and frustration on a 7 year old. She's crying because it hurts when you brush her hair, OP, not to piss you off. Find a way to a) manage your emotions better and b) find a way to brush her hair without causing her pain. Get and apologise to her now.
And shame on the PPs saying that's an acceptable way to treat a 7 year old. It isn't.