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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell my mil that I want my ds at home with me on a friday?

20 replies

cathshuck · 07/01/2008 20:20

ok here is the background! my mil and my mum look after my ds when I am at work, am now on mat leave with dd and up until now my mil has asked to have ds as usual so she can take him to toddler group on the friday. If i ever arrange anything that means I want him with me she can be very difficult. tomorrow he starts nursery two mornings a week and she is already harping on about toddler group on friday. Aibu to tell her that I want my son with me on the days he is not a nursery? btw my husband is a wuss and wont say anything to her if she does get arsey so am on my own in this!

OP posts:

Fireflyfairy2 · 07/01/2008 20:26

Does he like going to toddler group?

If he enjoys it & his nan enjoya taking him, why not just enjoy the time with dd?

But I can see he is starting nursey... can you tell her that it will be too much for him if you really don't want him to go?

Original poster

cathshuck · 07/01/2008 20:29

I will be having the two mornings with dd so would really like some time with ds. Reading it it sounds really petty but she can be a real cow when she wants and part of me just wants him with me so she cant do stupid things like tuck his socks into his trousers!! Most friday mornings I have tears before she arrives to get him and he always wants me to go with them. Did think that maybe she might like some time with dd and then ds and i could go to soft play which all his friends go to. They dont go to the other toddler group.

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 07/01/2008 20:29

why not compromise and say she has him every other week, or something? it's good she has been looking after him all this time and they have obviously built a relationship. It seems a shame to just stop that cold because your circumstances have changed

LoveMyGirls · 07/01/2008 20:30

It's not unreasonable after all he is your son.

My view on it would be that I wouldn't want to annoy her because once baby is born it will be very handy to have that extra morning to yourself/ with baby and maybe when baby is a bit bigger she could take baby too and you can catch up on sleep/ cleaning/ shopping etc etc if you annoy her now she may not be so willing to help you later when you will very probably need it!

LoveMyGirls · 07/01/2008 20:31

Think I got mixed up, why does she only take ds why not ds and dd?

flowerybeanbag · 07/01/2008 20:33

I like Franny's compromise idea. If MIL has been taking him to toddler group regularly it's probably part of her social life, with other mums/carers, plus it's her time with him. Plus as LoveMyGirls says, might be worth keeping her onside...

sazzybeehomeforxmas · 07/01/2008 20:33

I agree with frannyandzooey - compromise is probably the way to go.

PMSL at tucking his trousers into socks! My sister's MIL used to comb her DS's hair across his head so he looked like Hitler youth. Why?!

JustMissyNow · 07/01/2008 20:35

no you are not!

my dh's ex wife did the same (dss used to spend every fri pm) and mil got all tearful an worked up about it

made me think wtf? you WILL still see him!

he is your son you do as you like

Original poster

cathshuck · 07/01/2008 20:36

oh you are all so reasonable!! I know you are right and I think Franny you are probaby right and a compromise is the way forward. Sometimes feel really guilty that I dont seem to spend that much quality time with him though, and she really takes over telling me what he should be eating, she buys him clothes and keeps them at her place, buys toys that I say i am buying just petty things that mount up until I explode. If he trotted off quite happily with her then I would be fine with it but i have to do alot of persuasion to get him to go.

OP posts:

TellusMater · 07/01/2008 20:37

Are you planning on using her as childcare when you go back to work? Perhaps she doesn't want to lose contact with her support network.

We have some grandmothers who come to our playgroup, and they say that it is very important for them as they don't have the network of friends with small children that you can find as a parent.

Compromise seems good.

Original poster

cathshuck · 07/01/2008 20:40

Love my girls - she never offers to have dd and I quite like having her to myself at the mo as she is only 4 months. Plus she is 64 and the both of them tire her out! Dont know how she will cope when I go back to work in may. Def an age gap thing with the socks and hair - she drives my mum mad with it as well!! She does have a heart of gold under it all but is very controlling. as mils go she is one of the better i think!

OP posts:

paulaplumpbottom · 07/01/2008 20:43

He is your son. Just because your DH is a wuss doesn't mean you have to be

sazzybeehomeforxmas · 07/01/2008 20:43

Oh dear that does sound hard cathshuck. She obviously adores your DS though and as much as it pains you, I think you should go for the every other week (am assuming you are going back to work so will need her to pick up the every week care at some point).

It's easy for me to say though - I don't have a MIL and my mum is always very careful not to step on my toes

LazyLinePainterJane · 07/01/2008 20:43

Maybe you could all go to the toddler group? Give you a chance to get to know her better?

Original poster

cathshuck · 07/01/2008 20:45

I do know her very well as we lived with them for 6 months whilst our house was being built. THink as dh is an only child and she wanted more that she over compensates and treats ds like her own making decisions and things which is why as horrible as it is I am keeping dd to myself. Did go to toddler group with them a few times but ds came to me rather than her and the look on her face she was so gutted so i didnt go again!

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 07/01/2008 20:49

Ahhhhhhhhhh now i get it, she is reliving her youth a bit by buying things and treating your ds as her own she is imagining in a way that she is back to when she had a young son, maybe? That's why she pushes her views onto you and buys things etc, does she buy things for your dd? Ever have time on her own with your dd instead? Could you suggest she alternate between children if she cant have them both at once?

Original poster

cathshuck · 07/01/2008 20:51

you put it so much better than I did! Think compromise is the way forward, thanks for all your help ladies. dh cant see why things bother me and it is his mother so cant slag her off to him!! Off to bed now so thanks again

OP posts:

beeper · 07/01/2008 21:01

I think your MIL is very good to you. I think any grandparents that look after children are brilliant.

Cake and eating it comes to mind.

beeper · 07/01/2008 21:03

PS my MIL is dead (five weeks ago) and I had to drive myself to the mat unit at 3am in the morning this weekend as had no one to look after DS so husband had to stay with him at home, If mil would have been here she would have come round, and if she would have been here she would have looked after DS so I could have some recovery time.

But shes not here shes in a box in the ground.

count your blessings, everyone.

Original poster

cathshuck · 07/01/2008 21:13

Will respond to this before I actually go to bed. I know I am very lucky as she will drop everything to be with me but that does not mean I have to agree with or like decisions etc she makes when they are to do with my son. Im very sorry you lost you mil it sounds like you were very close.

OP posts:

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