AIBU to tell my mum to stop telling DD off ?

[funnythingsthathappen]

My mum lived abroad and is visiting at the moment.

My DD is 2. I noticed some things the last time mum visited and I'm noticing the same things happening again this time and I'm worried about DD's relationship with my mum.

I'm by no mean a lax parent, but spending day in and day out with a toddler, can be tough. I try to avoid situations of conflict when they may arise with her, by using distractions and preventing escalations. If I didn't, I would be constantly telling her off and telling her not to do stuff and just making life stressful for both of us.

Examples are- I know she loves to just eat butter from the tub and gets upset when it's taken away. So rather than battle that every time, I'll use the butter further away from her, so she doesn't get the idea to take it every time she sees it. She can get annoyed at nappy changes, so I always give her a book to distract. Small things like this, to make out every day a bit easier.

In any case, my mum gets into every confrontation with her and tells her no and to stop and it's a constant battle all day. My mum also really expects a lot from her, in my opinion. Like she needs to eat and isn't allowed to make any mess. She hovers over her constantly wiping her mouth and telling her off and if she has spilled something on the table or if she tries to pick something up with her hands, rather than using cutlery.

DD doesn't want to go to her and doesn't want to be left alone with her. This was the same last time she came over and I asked her to just leave the disciplining to me, unless it's a dangerous situation. I really want them to bond. But my mum is constantly getting into it with her and thinks I'm just lazy and a lax parent and my expectations of my DD are too low. Even when my mum tries to play with DD she's constantly saying to me how DD is not concentrating and doesn't want to play and how she can't just sit and play with any toys. So again, criticising DD for not playing the way she thinks she should play.

Her other grandma just goes along with whatever DD wants to do and tries to distract her more, rather than battling it out all day with her. She loves the other grandma and goes to her no problem. My mum can't even pick her up at the moment without DD crying and I can't leave them alone together.

I've asked my mum nicely for the sake of their relationship to chill out, but she seems offended and thinks I am not doing things right and that DD is just too spoilt and always gets her way and needs discipline.

I said, it's easier if I tell DD off / discipline her, rather than risk my mum having a bad relationship with her..

AIBU ?

Just to clarify, I can't leave my mum alone with DD, because DD cries for me to come back. She stopped doing this months ago in general, but has started to do it again, only with my mum.

She's 2!! I think your mum has forgotten how 2 year old are. It sounds like you are doing sensible things like distraction and avoiding trigger points. I'd have a word and explain how well these things are working for you and you are both happier to do things this way.

I've realised avoiding trigger points keeps DS age 3.5 much more chilled out and picking the big/dangerous things to fight over is much easier

Also, WFT is it with butter and toddlers? Mine would happily eat it by the fistful, obvs since I don't want him getting the shits I don't let him!!

You are totally right telling a child off all day will really affect them and their relationship with you. Basically what your doing is not setting them up to fail, you can still tell them on the bigger stuff and as she gets older the boundaries will naturally change and more will be expected of her. I think all you can do is be clear you do not want your dm disciplining her, maybe explain you have different parenting techniques and it's confusing for dc.

@TheLovleyChebbyMcGee

She's 2!! I think your mum has forgotten how 2 year old are. It sounds like you are doing sensible things like distraction and avoiding trigger points. I'd have a word and explain how well these things are working for you and you are both happier to do things this way.

I've realised avoiding trigger points keeps DS age 3.5 much more chilled out and picking the big/dangerous things to fight over is much easier

Also, WFT is it with butter and toddlers? Mine would happily eat it by the fistful, obvs since I don't want him getting the shits I don't let him!!

The butter thing ! OMG ! I can't just sit next to her and let her see me use it. She'll just keep trying to get it. It's crazy ! Ahah

I think she's forgotten OR my DD is an absolute monster. She just keeps saying I was an angel and never had tantrums and that DD needs to learn that she can't have what she wants. I get that. Of course she can't always have what she wants. And she doesn't with me. I just try not to have a go at her the entire day. And since my mum has been here, she's having so many tantrums. Much much more than usual.

Were you an only child!
If you were an easygoing, relaxed kid who didn't have tantrums your mum is probably priding herself over her wonderful parenting and absolutely taking to heart she did every "right" rather than realising different babies are born with different temperaments and it's sod all to do with how they are parented!!

I think she's forgotten OR my DD is an absolute monster. She just keeps saying I was an angel and never had tantrums and that DD needs to learn that she can't have what she wants. I get that. Of course she can't always have what she wants. And she doesn't with me. I just try not to have a go at her the entire day. And since my mum has been here, she's having so many tantrums. Much much more than usual.

My mom says this exact thing about me. Apparently I never had a tantrum, never hit anyone, never did anything wrong. My dad disagrees and remembers me as a more normal toddler. I think my mom has changed things in memory to paint me as the perfect child and as an example of how she was a perfect parent (of course my brothers flaws are all his own fault, nothing to do with her parenting!). It’s definitely misremembering as she’s claimed since DD was 3 that I could write and spell my own name perfectly by that age and DD could ‘barely hold a pen properly’. We recently found the writing she’d kept. I was 4 and it’s barely legible!

It’s exhausting though as she constantly comments comparing me to my DC and it always paints them, and my parenting, negatively. DD1s nearly 5 now. When she starts i just talk over her to get DDs attention, or walk away with her.

I just try not to have a go at her the entire day

Definitely!! The more I tell my 3.5yr off, the more he acts up. When I write that down it sounds like bad parenting I realise, but there's no point nitpicking on the small things.

Yes its annoying when he pulls the scatter cushions off the couch for jumping on, but its not really dangerous or naughty.

And I bet she's forgotten what the tantrums were. Now we're in baby #2 we've been pulling my mum up on stuff like this. Like the other day she was telling me my older brother never napped at all, not even as a newborn. Thats has to be utter rubbish!!

Your mum is being unreasonable. You're doing exactly what you should, setting up your DD for success where you can, avoiding the flash points and firm consistent expectations. Hmmmm maybe try that with your mum.

I think some grandparents just forget how toddlers are or were never particularly successful at parenting that age group and gloss over it.

What's her suggestion? Just yell at your DD? Tell her no thanks, this is how I do it and I'm okay.

DD will age out of tantrums etc, your DM won't so don't worry about it. Or leave a stick of butter in front of DD and ask DD to make sure she doesn't have any, let's see who wins.

I was a teacher (of teenagers!) before I had DD(2) and the same rules apply for harmony. Hold your boundaries but avoid nit picking and don't set them up to fail or you'll be telling them off all day long and no one wins from that.

I think your mum has rose coloured glasses and/or is possibly trying to assert her dominance - she's the mum, you're the child and her way is best? Unfortunately if that's the case she's wrong and you'll have to treat her in the same way as your toddler - don't set her up to fail but hold your boundaries!

We had similar with my MIL at that age. As a long retired primary teacher she was expected our pre-schooler to behave in a way a much older child would. She would tell my dc off - we just chose to either ignored it or intervene (depending on the issue) and we never left our dc alone with her at that age.
Now dc, 7, has a good relationship with nanna and they chat away happily. It's not the same type of relationship as with granny, but then I feel that they can have different types of relationship without that being a bad thing - dc is just learning granny and nanna are just different.
DC will occassionaly look at me or DH just to check in on what nanna has just told her to do but mostly she just lets it wash over her. It seems to work for us as nanna is not in a position of authority and doesn't look after DC alone.

She is being massively unreasonable here.i think a lot of mothers are like this .want to show how great they were and be in control. I would take her out for a coffee alone , tell her you like seeing her but she needs to step back and let dd alone.if she lives abroad then she will not see her all the time,however dd will not relish her visits.if she continues anyway maybe just say a week or few days in future. Maybe see if you can go out alone with dm and leave dd with dad?

You’re not wrong, of course you’re in the right. But I think you might need to apply your own ‘distract and prevent escalations’ with your mother. You won’t get her to change her opinion on this visit, and changing her behaviour herself is obviously difficult. So take the conflict out of it by just stepping in before she gets to discipline DD. When she moans about the toys just show her a different way of playing. Praise your DD a lot when she’s doing things with your mum - praise your mum in front of DD too.

Yes, you won’t get time off. But it might foster that better relationship with your mother you want for DD, and things like that are a virtuous circle - better behaviour all round, more opportunities for praise and demonstrating a harmonious way.

At only 2, it’s sort of unrealistic to expect your DD to be happy with your mum if she doesn’t see her or know her well - their relationship will come in time. It might never be exactly as you imagine it, though.

Your mum is absolutely getting it wrong I’m afraid. You are doing the right thing and your DD is an absolutely normal 2 year old.

I think you need to be really firm with your mum. No one disciplines your child except her parents. I thought that was normal anyway. I’ve got grandchildren and the only thing I will be strict about are any things that involve safety, and only then if I am responsible for them, or I can see that their parents are not in a position to step in.

You are entirely correct.

My mum was like this when I was a child. Nit picked about every little thing. Sadly to detriment of our relationship.

Yanbu. My bossy mil is always in my young dc face telling them that they are not using cutlery properly, should not use hands or not make too much mess or need to put toys away straight away etc….the more in their face she gets the more wound up dc get.

I don’t mind dc being told off if they have done something terrible/dangerous but they are generally really well behaved and just need distracting so as not to escalate trivial stuff.

Mil seems disappointed that dd is never excited to see her or wants her attention without it being forced. In contrast my dc prefer fil and love my parents and always want them. Mil thinks it’s because dc spend more time with my parents but that’s not true they see about the same amount of each other. It’s actually because my parents know as grandparents it’s not their job to discipline dc when parents are present and they use distraction techniques and are very laid back. Within reason I think it’s grandparents job to spoil the kids and parents job to set down rules….that’s why I loved going to my grandparents because we would always have such a lovely time, lots of treats and get away with a lot more than we would have when my parents were around!