Am I being selfish?

[owmn]

My partner and our LO have recently moved approx 200 miles from our previous home (where he’s from), I work full time, and he’s at home with LO since I began a full time job at the beginning of 2021.

He’s been really struggling with his MH on and off for the last 12-18 months, but particularly the last 6, low/depressed/anxious, etc.

For various reasons, including this, the move having been fairly difficult, and general money worries, I haven’t been feeling completely happy as of late.

I try to be as empathetic as I can, and having gone through PND, I understand how poor mental health and being a SAHP can be brutal, however I’m wondering if I’ve been being incredibly selfish or he has unrealistic expectations.

We began a talk this evening regarding what we can do to ensure we’re both separately happy (picking up new hobbies, starting a new class in the area etc) as well as coming together as a couple, and it ended up with him saying he feels like I have been/am being selfish in not giving up work for him/to take care of our LO so he can get a job the way he did ‘for me’ when I started my current job, when I know it’s affecting his health.

I’m really struggling with that as I feel like it’s an incredibly unfair statement, but am I bu, should I have reduced my hours/returned to being a SAHP so he could return to work, given that I know that would help with his mental health?

For what it’s worth, I’m not against her attending nursery, I’ve simply always said I would rather us avoid full time if possible until she’s closer to school age (I have offered to work my office/away days around any job he applies for, and/or to support him working nights or weekends however I can), and we’re on a waiting list for pre-school where we are now. I have said to him from the moment he gave up work that I will be open to discussing how we can make him getting a job work, whenever he’s ready to.

I’m really struggling to see it from his POV so opinions most appreciated!

Is he applying for work? It’s one thing in theory to expect you to, it’s another in practice. He might like the idea of a full time job more than the reality! I think you might have to accept LO goes full time if he wants and gets a full time job if neither of you are able to reduce hours to part time/ flexibility over weekends etc. I’d allow him to put his mental health first if that means getting a job but that doesn’t mean your job has to be impacted just LO going to nursery more?

I think if someone's mental health is struggling being a sahp and they want to work, I think both people should be trying to do what they can get the sahp into work.

Being a sahp is hard enough, I imagine. Doing it when you really dont want, when you have moved to a new area to could be really really hard.

This should always be a joint decision. I can't say if you are selfish. As I don't know the ins and outs. But if you have insisted he be a sahp when's there's an alternative, I think that's a mistake. But then you say you have always said you can sort something when he wants to go back.

So I can judge that bit. But sounds like you need to both come up with a solution together.

I'm sorry but I'm not clear - why doesn't he work?

YANBU not to give up your job. Build up your career and pension.

But tell him if he finds a job, then dd will go to nursery.

You should both work as neither of you want to be SAHP, which is fine.

I don’t think it’s very fair of you to say that you will be working full time and you don’t want your LO to be in nursery full time, if that means your partner can’t really work when they want to. Looking after a child in the day and then also working nights and weekends obviously isn’t a solution to a MH crisis.

It’s not 100% clear to me that’s what you have said though.

If you’re not keen on nursery have a look at child minders.

Your DH needs to go back to work. Lots of people struggle staying at home.

Support him in that but don’t give up your career. Look into flexible working arrangements at your work or cutting one day a week. Don’t make any firm arrangements until he has got a job though.

I think he should be able to return to work. It's not fair to lay the blame at your door, but then the depression is probably clouding his vision. I'm wondering if depression has been a generalised thing for him, or if it's definitely linked to being at home? If it's the former then returning to work may not fix it, and counselling might help.
But yeah, it's not an easy situation for either of you. It sounds like he's really struggling with being away from his hometown and adjusting to life as a SAHP in an unfamiliar place.
Returning to work and using a nursery or childminder may have to be the option. No point labouring the 'stay at home thing' if one parent is miserable. Or is part-time work an option for you both?

If your partner wants to work, than your partner should be free to work, even if that means using child care. Your partner should not be restricted to finding a job that works around your schedule.

What is reasonable is to expect your partner to do his fair share of drop offs and pick ups, sick day coverage, doctor’s appointments, etc.

If you really aren’t comfortable with using a nursery then you need to consider a nanny, even if an entire salary goes to paying the nanny.

I wasn’t comfortable with group childcare before age 3 so I understand the hesitation. It’s unfair to restrict someone from working though.

It can be very difficult for men to be SAHPs because baby/ toddler activities are directed at women. I read interviews with men who say they feel very uncomfortable at these groups because there’s no men around and women feel uncomfortable talking to them.

Also, men are judged for their income/ career more intensely than women. He’ll likely feel a failure as he’s not a ‘provider’.

None of this is a criticism of Stay at home dads. It’s just the patriarchy works against them on this.

I think you're being quite unreasonable - you're willing to support him finding a job at night or weekends? Basically you want him to find a part time job to stay being a sahp as much as possible? I'm inclined to agree with him, if he wants to be full time and you don't want her in nursery full time then I think you need to take the career hit.

Did he give up a job to stay home when you got yours? If so you are being pretty selfish! Also, as the working parent, you don’t get to decide if little one goes to childcare or not unless you are willing to be the one at home. I’d genuinely consider whether we were compatible if my husband thought our dc shouldn’t go into childcare but wasn’t willing to be the one looking after it- it’s dictating to me that I will be at home looking after them, which is a very self-centred approach and would be basically saying to me that what I want doesn't matter. And if he thinks that then i made a big mistake marrying him.

Thanks for the feedback, all!

I should’ve been a little clearer in my OP, I’ve always said that I would rather LO not be in full time nursery until pre-school age, but not that I wouldn’t allow it or think he should stay at home to facilitate that. He does however know this is my preference and how much full time would cost (which depending on his mood is a reason he uses to not go full time, as we’d both be working to not be much better off).

Slight drip feed that I completely forgot to include in my OP as I was so tied up in the conversation we’d had, he actually did began some self-employed work around Oct time that we fit around when I was WFH and my hours to more efficiently save for the house move etc. Depending on the day, he’d tell me he was happy to schedule his hours that way as it made the most financial sense, etc, or that I was hindering him and I dictated his work hours/he couldn’t work full time ‘because of me’. I’d make very clear that I’m happy to look at that and nursery again if he wishes, but it then comes back to me giving up my job.

The company he was working with suddenly no longer needed him immediately prior to the move, so I know that’s caused him some stress to have that projected income taken away so close to an expensive relocation, which I absolutely get and have tried to be as supportive as I can with.

He’s decided he wants to look at contracted employment again for now, and so I’ve updated his CV, I’ve helped with job searches, I’ve helped with applications, yet it feels like the only option he can see that constitutes me offering any assistance, is me making ‘the same sacrifice’ he did in becoming the SAHP, as I was for 2 years before I began this role.

Every time in the last 2/3 weeks I’ve suggested a position that’s full time, I’ve received a response of ‘but it’s full time’ and no further discussion, despite explicitly saying to him on multiple occasions that we’ll figure it out together if he applies for and is offered a full time role.

As for why he gave up work, he was self-employed working approx 40 hours when LO began part time nursery in Nov 2020 and didn’t settle well at all, and so we agreed he would stay at home for a trial period (a conversation lead by him), whilst Covid was also a concern and the nursery was dealing with that. He later made the decision not to go back, and so we took her out of nursery.

I’ve said to him til I’m blue in the face throughout this time that I’m happy to discuss how he returns to work at any point he wants to. Yet it’s as though because he knows I’m not 100% comfortable with full time nursery, he chooses not to believe me.

The depression is difficult, I don’t think caused by being a SAHP, he’s truly enjoyed being at home and the time he’s been able to spend with LO, but I think it forced him to deal with some issues he’d very much suppressed until then. And I think it’s also bringing up a lot of feelings around his own childhood and the way he was parented. Had he said to me at any time that he absolutely wanted to return to work because it was directly and negatively impacting his MH/causing his anxiety and depression, of course I would’ve facilitated that however I could, whether I was comfortable with it or not.

It’s like he’s stuck on the fact that he feels I won’t do for him what he seems to think he did for me. To my mind it was a joint decision for the benefit of our LO and certainly not something I asked for/suggested, or made him feel he had to continue for the next 14 months.

I end up feeling like he’s using me an excuse and I’m really hurt that he’d say I won’t allow him to do something that would assist his MH. I can’t understand why he is so hung up on me giving up my job when I’ve made clear I don’t see one of us being a SAHP as the only option, but it’s like talking to a wall.

I’m tired and stressed with it all, so hopefully the above makes sense and covers questions asked!

" I have said to him from the moment he gave up work that I will be open to discussing how we can make him getting a job work, whenever he’s ready to."

So, now is the moment to do this, and it sounds like you're sticking to your word and starting the discussions.

But he wants to blame you for his situation and choices, rather than thank you for keeping the money coming in.

Hang on to your job, encourage him to start job hunting, pursue your childcare options, recognise that he was completely unfair and selfish in what he said to you and start thinking about how you feel about that, rather than nursing hurt.

You have done you share of being a SAHP though - you say you did it for 2 years before this job. So you've both taken a turn not working.

How old is your LO? She must be coming up to 3 based on your timelines. You will get funded 30 hours soon if you both work.

I think if you continue to say - I will support you to get a job, and we will go and look at some child care options together and work it out - then that's reasonable.

I would not be giving up my job to be a SAHP unless I wanted to. There's more to work then just the money.

That's a fair bit more info. Is he talking to someone for his depression? He's trying to make you wrong and controlling and he might need help seeing that it's him creating that situation and it's not reality.

He’s trying to make out that you are controlling him by refusing to give up work, when he is actually being controlling trying to make you give work up when he doesn’t even have a secure job to go to. He’s making you the reason why he can’t succeed when it’s actually him. Whether the cause is his mental health or not, the behaviour is unacceptable.

I would not be giving up my job in this situation, I would consider full time childcare to allow him to seek a new role. But I have a feeling that this will not be accepted to him either.

With the further information it sounds like he doesn't really want to work. Or he just doesn't like you working.

He knows you won't give up your job. So that's a convenient excuse.

You have made clear, you will make it work for him to work.

There isnt much more you can do. He is blaming you when his and his depression is the issue. He need needs to go get some professional help for his depression.

@LuaDipa

He’s trying to make out that you are controlling him by refusing to give up work, when he is actually being controlling trying to make you give work up when he doesn’t even have a secure job to go to. He’s making you the reason why he can’t succeed when it’s actually him. Whether the cause is his mental health or not, the behaviour is unacceptable.

I would not be giving up my job in this situation, I would consider full time childcare to allow him to seek a new role. But I have a feeling that this will not be accepted to him either.

Amen to this.

You've said everything I'm feeling about his position and motives.

Look, neither of you enjoys it. You've both done it for long enough to be certain of that. Nobody is getting anything out of the sahp concept - not even, I'm afraid, your child who is stuck with their only company being a depressed person who doesn't want to be there.

Given your time line the child must be at least 3 anyway.

Both of you into full-time work, child in provided care and education. Then you can decide whether the pair of you actually enjoy living together.

You are not selfish by wanting to work. Neither is he. However you have said a few times that you wanted your LO to stay out of nursery until pre school age, however it isn't up to just you so depending on how forceful you were with this opinion maybe he sees that as being controlling or selfish or something.
If it was your preference, why has it got to be the case from your husbands point of view that one of you will stay at home. Your husband needs to understand that just because something worked in the past it doesn't mean it's got to be that way forever.

I would start researching nurseries and spaces and asking about waiting lists. Once he sees you are serious about considering nursery full time then maybe he will realise there are other options