To ask what you think constitutes a good parent?

[ilobeyou]

I am 7 months pregnant, and just thinking about the kind of parent I hope to be.

I had a happy childhood, my mum and dad were separated but got along quite well (most of the time, they had their moments). Dad would come in for a coffee when collecting me and chat with mum, he would come over and have a Christmas Eve meal with us and come back Christmas morning to see me open my presents etc. I remember that with fondness.

My mum was a laid back mum, she had a bit of a temper once in a while, but she gave me lots of independence and freedom, she trusted me, was very open with me about everything, there was nothing I couldn't go to her about. She drummed education into me but wasn't over the top with it either. My friends always loved coming to my house as it was always very relaxed. It was a very quiet, chilled out house. Me and my mum had a good rapport, we would joke and she would listen to me and we would play games together and have girls night. She never really minded if I swore as long as I didn't do it out of the house. I respected her, and she would just have to give me a look and I would shit myself and stop whatever behaviour I was displaying or argument I was having with her. I think because she so seldom lost her temper I knew it was serious when that look came, it was the 'I'm about to lose my shit' look. She didn't really set me a bedtime and I was always up much later than my friends however never seemed to impact me. My home was my safe place and sanctuary. It was a great childhood.

She always told me she trusted me, she always told me I was beautiful, smart, funny, she always told me how thankful she was that I was her daughter. She had lots of animals and taught me to treat them with kindness. It was always just me and her, she never introduced any men to me so I'm sure that strengthened our bond.

I have grown up into a well rounded person with healthy boundaries and high self esteem and I think this is due to the way my mum raised me. In my eyes she is the perfect parent, however is there really such a thing? I'm thinking about how I want to raise my children and I would love to be like her but my husband thinks my mums a bit 'eccentric' and too laid back and that a child needs at structure.

Is that true? I turned out okay but was that just luck? Had I had a different personality would my mums parenting have totally fucked me up? She gave me lots of freedom as a teenager and would always just say 'I trust you but if you get into any bother always phone me, I won't be angry' and she never was. I did have consequences if I broke the rules though. I just don't know what kind of parent to be?

Your mum sounds great. I don’t think there’s only one way to be a good parent though (any more than there’s only one way to be a good partner or sister or child).

I really like Philippa Perry’s parenting book which emphasises connection with your child and treating them as a person not a problem to be managed.

Ohhh this is one of those I had a perfect childhood and you didn't threads then

Your mum sounds lovely. I think if you followed her example you wouldn't go far wrong.

I think it sounds like you have all the tools to work it out. Maybe your DH was less fortunate and feels more pressure to be a different kind of parent to his own. Or maybe he also had a good, but completely different experience. I don't think there is only one way to do it, but you having had a happy, safe childhood should hopefully make it easier for you to find the right balance.

Someone who raises a child that considers other’s feelings.

Listen to who your child is and parent THAT child, not the one you wanted instead.

@veronicagoldberg

Listen to who your child is and parent THAT child, not the one you wanted instead.

❤️

It's hard to tell what kind of parent you'll be really. I wish I was more like my mum in a lot of ways, but what's important is that I'm good enough and that's all you need to be. What we do and say impacts out kids, yes, but unless it's really, really extreme it won't do them meaningful harm. We all accidentally inculcate some negative characteristics or habits into our kids - whether that's being overly anxious, impatient, lacking capability to see things through - but nothing that 'ruins their lives' or prevents them doing fine at school, having positive relationships. I think it's important to remember that.

I agree with @Echobelly above that what you need to focus on is being good enough. There's no one perfect way to parent a child, your mum sounds great but I was brought up with more rules and I suppose with "stricter" parents and I turned out just fine and with a really great relationship with both of my parents.

For me the key things are:

Let them know how much you love them.

Let them know they can always talk to you, nomatter what it's about.

Model respectful relationships, no yelling at each other in front of the kids.

The "be brave and be kind" thing is cheesy but I do try to remind my children to have courage in themselves, to always try their best and to think of others and treat other people with courtesy and repsect.

I do personally think children respond better with some boundaries and rules, but I do try to explain why those rules are in place rather than a blanket "because I said so." It's definitely a balance between providing healthy boundaries and giving them room to learn lessons and be independent..... I definitely don't always get that right but I do try.

At the end of the day, the fact that you're thinking about whether you'll be a good parent probably means that you will be!

I think there are different ways of being a good parent, and that which one works for you will depend on what you're like as a person and what your child is like. I was an easy child to parent and my dc (now 14 and 16) have been pretty easy too. But it's a bit chicken and egg - are children easy because of the parenting they've had so far, or is it just easy to parent them because they're easy by nature? I have enjoyed not needing to be a particularly strict or rigid parent.

Empathic and respectful. Knows how to set boundaries. Can understand developmental behaviour and not punish a child for it.

Your mum sounds awesome. You'll be awesome as a result. It may be a little different but you can't fail to be an awesome mum with that upbringing.