Aibu to tell her daughters?

[Funkyslippers]

My lovely dad died just over 2 years ago. I got on pretty well with step mum but since he died she's been engulfed in grief. Haven't seen a huge amount of her due to COVID. I supported her and helped her initially though before COVID and have been nothing but kind to her. I try to ring her once a month (she never rings me) but have been finding it very strained as she's becoming more abrupt each time. A few months ago she said my eldest DD (18) never rings her (not true, but step mum never takes any interest whatsoever in my DDs, even when my dad was alive) and a few days ago I felt she'd basically ditched me by saying 'you and I have nothing in common any more'. I took that as my cue to back off and give her space. I'm friends on FB with both her daughters and they were close to my dad. Should I make them aware of the situation and tell them I'm going to take a step back? I would say it to step mum but don't want to upset her more even though it's what she wants

Do you have any kind of relationship with them? If not then don't. This is between you and your step mother (if she became your step mother when you were an adult then it's not exactly a maternal relationship). I don't see what involving her daughters would do.

I'm assuming you want to tell them so it gets back to her? Or do you see/ speak to them a lot anyway?

Perhaps she finds it difficult to see you because you remind her of her loss. Unfair maybe but grief is different for everyone.

What age were you when they married? Are you close to her daughters at all?

I don't think you need to announce it. Just step back and only tell them what she said if they raise it.

Should I make them aware of the situation and tell them I'm going to take a step back?

Definitely not. Your stepmother doesn't want you in her life, so respect her decision. This has nothing to do with her daughters.

Just take the step back. It’s not going to do your relationship with any of them any good to go to the daughters.

You phone her once a month - hardly stopping an essential service to her, what is there to tell?

I was 18 when they got together, 30 years ago. I feel that she may be telling them untruths about me. But I'm not close to them, we chat online occasionally so I guess it's no loss to me what she tells them

Don’t say anything to anyone, just quietly step away. It may he she needs some time to process her grief or it may just be that she doesn’t feel you have anything in common any more.

Well actually I would if she is acting out of character, but would ask for a chat rather than spelling it out over messages

Against the grain here, but I think I would. She seems to be depressed and not dealing with her grief very well. I think it would be a kindness to alert those close to her.

But make it clear you’re not criticising or complaining.

If she is acting out of character I would absolutely reach out to them and say you're worried about their mum.

If you're concerned about her I would speak to them.

I can't see you will lose anything by sending them good wishes, mentioning you feel you are unlikely to be in touch much in the future at the request of their Mother.

@LocalHobo why would she say that, their mother hasn't directly requested that.

Hmm. I think if you frame it as you being worried about their mum and feeling that it’s not helping her when you contact her - as Greenclock said, making it clear that you aren’t complaining - then they can decide if they think they need to act.

@JennySpanner Yes you are correct, sorry. I suppose if someone said " we have nothing in common anymore" to me , that would pretty much mean I would cease being in contact with them.