How to help child be happy with their achievements

[DownOnThemself]

DC is 7 nearly 8, school year 3. Hates school and despite never being told is aware they’re on the bottom table for Literacy and Numeracy – they’re suspected dyslexic and really struggle, we’re awaiting a formal diagnosis but it’s very likely they’ll get it. They can’t read very well (still on Year 1 level bookband) can write but only for a short while, and struggle with basic maths like addition. They are also hypermobile.

They do Gymnastics in school 1 night a week (an external teacher comes in but it’s run purely for DC at this primary school), they love it but it ends at Easter as they only do it for the autumn and spring terms and it’s only open for Years 1-3 so DC won’t get the chance to do it again. They haven’t been invited to join the club that the teacher runs on another night a week and hasn’t been accepted into any of the other local gymnastics groups – DC is very aware of this and is massively upset by it.

They swim 1 night a week but are stuck in Stage 2 and have been for 6 months. They were in Stage 1 for 18 months, DC often loses a % or 2 for some unknown reason, they’ve had the same teacher throughout stage 2 (and had a different teacher for stage 1 and the same happened there) we’ve had whole months of 4/5 less where they’ve lost 1-2% each lesson as they can no longer show that skill, so looks like they’re going to be stuck in Stage 2 for awhile like they were stage 1 and preschool swim before that (DC never completed Pre-school stage before they became too old and had to move to stage 1 they were in Stage 1 18 months and have been in 2 6 months but are still only 25% through so it’ll be at least another year I think). They do enjoy the lessons but get very frustrated with the lack of or loss of progress. They only reason I keep them going is it’s one of the recommended exercises by their physio for the hypermobility.

They do scouts/GG once a week and love it have done lots of badge work outside of meetings but in general they’re very down on themselves.

Will say “I’m not good with school work, I’m not good at gymnastics and swimming” they always say they love scouts/GG and wish they could do it more, but they can’t.

I just want to help them accept that it’s ok to enjoy something like Gymnastics for a short while and we don’t need to excel at it. Same with swimming.

The class teacher is very positive, praises even the smallest achievement, lets them take the badges they earn in to show off, tries to pick them for special jobs etc. but DC is still very down on themselves.

I don’t want this to be a recurring theme and it to affect their mental health.

So AIBU to ask how I can make them feel better? Other than hoping I can take it all away from them and deal with it myself.

This comes after another swimming lesson with no progress and the second to last gymnastics with them coming out saying "I loved it but I want to do it more" and not knowing how to help

Have you considered they may have dyspraxia? Even if they don't, working with an OT may help. It's very difficult to get on the NHS but worth looking into a private one locally. It made a huge difference to one of my children.

@Clymene

Have you considered they may have dyspraxia? Even if they don't, working with an OT may help. It's very difficult to get on the NHS but worth looking into a private one locally. It made a huge difference to one of my children.

@Clymene Can't afford private diagnosis sadly so will have to hope we can get a diagnosis on the NHS.

I'm a single parent where everything just about balances.

Sorry, that really isn't answering your question! I wonder if you could look at doing some activities with them which aren't about comparing themselves to other children? So a treasure trail or geocaching or some of the 50 things to do before you're 11 that the NT did?

I do also say - it's not about how you compare to other people, it's about how you're doing against yourself. Are you trying your best? Is there something more you could have done?

I do sympathise - it's very hard if you don't excel at anything

Could you look for a recreational gymnastics class that they could join outside school? One of my DC has done a class at a local leisure centre, and one at a gymnastics club. They have a wide range of abilities within the class, so it would not matter if it takes your DC a little longer than average to progress.

Also I found short intensive swimming courses got much better results than going once a week. They make much more rapid progress.

I would ask for them to be assessed for dyspraxia. You might get a couple of sessions with an OT and some recommendations of things you can do at home.

It's difficult when you're on your own I know.

@Kendrickspenguin

Could you look for a recreational gymnastics class that they could join outside school? One of my DC has done a class at a local leisure centre, and one at a gymnastics club. They have a wide range of abilities within the class, so it would not matter if it takes your DC a little longer than average to progress.

@Kendrickspenguin I've tried 8 or 9 different classes locally, varying from the very competitive to the "we only enter competitions if the child/parents want to" and she did trials with a few of them but none of them offered a space in the classes.

@Ionlydomassiveones

Sounds like you need a diagnosis because everything they’re asked to do at school is a trial for them and they’re never going to enjoy if it always leaves them feeling that they’re the least and last. It’s demoralising for them naturally. It would be for any of us.

What about stuff a home? Reading for pleasure with them? I remember sitting in bed reading wimpy kid with my dd7 - she could read herself no problem but she loved me reading to her because we’d laugh our socks off and it was a moment of bonding. You’ll get through quite a few books if you do that every night or evening. It’s for pleasure so no pressure about what type of age of books and it might help with their literacy.

How about cooking or gardening? Yoga?

All the classic stereotypical ‘well-being’ stuff but might just a) give them something outside of school that’s less structured and more led by them and b) is fun and won’t be so focussed on ‘achievement’.

@Ionlydomassiveones We bake/cook/play boardgames together when we can DC goes to their dad EOWend so it's hard with work and activities to fit it all in.

I read to them every night and they love it.

What about-

Choir or musical instrument instruction? Is there a youth choir in your county? There probably is. Look on your local authority website. If you’re in receipt of some benefits the school may pay for musical tuition out of their pot?

Horse riding came to mind- fantastic for core strength, not competitive, lots of joining in with others taking care of the horses.

Tae Kwan Do had a huge community aspect to it when’re they have an obligation to “give back”
And so it might be a good environment for your Dd to be in?

You sound lovely, good luck

I'd say try different swim classes if possible or even 1:1 if affordable.
Look for other hobbies or classes she can excel at.
On dyslexia front try the Word Hornet book. They have a website called Word Wasp. You can someone pick up second hand copies cheaper. You work through it yourself with dc 10mins a day. Only cost outlay is buying the book for about £15.

@Hankunamatata

I'd say try different swim classes if possible or even 1:1 if affordable. Look for other hobbies or classes she can excel at. On dyslexia front try the Word Hornet book. They have a website called Word Wasp. You can someone pick up second hand copies cheaper. You work through it yourself with dc 10mins a day. Only cost outlay is buying the book for about £15.

@Hankunamatata This is the only pool nearby and only offers 1-1s in school holidays at the cost of a months worth of lessons each, I have to work during Easter so can't do any this time but will look to do 1-2 in May half term if i can afford it.

Try riding. The connection with the horse is very empowering in itself, and while there is a competitive element, it's not as bad as gymnastics.

I'm sorry to hear about your gymnastics experiences! Ultimately it may be better for her not to hyperextend too much as it can lead to more pain in the long run. But I can really see why you're so disappointed. I wonder if you'd consider drama classes? That can be very confidence boosting and often collaborative.

The best advice I was given on this subject is be conscious what you model.

If you are always down on yourself and minimising your achievements then so will they be.

In your case I would start making an achievements tree. Add one thing every day that you think your child did well wether that’s sharing nicely, finishing a reading book whatever find something. Every day.

Have you tried your DC with the specially formatted dyslexia books, look in your local library to see if they have any in stock or can order them. You may find this really helps your DC, along with following on with a story on CD / audio book with the book in front of them.

As for activities are there any SEND type sports groups or gymnastics groups? You could look at local dance schools and see if they do ACRO, or drama. Many famous actors are dyslexic you might just have to run lines and teach them verbally instead of reading them.

@DownOnThemself

Do they get DLA? I used my son's DLA to pay for swimming and tennis lessons and also a personal trainer from age 8 to work on some basic skills which put him in a much better place for sports at school. It was a winner as he was competing against himself, getting better times when he ran laps, or getting more baskets etc. I joined in, initially pretended to lose or be slower but it wasnt long before he was genuinely beating me - which he thought was great

Climbing could be worth a try as an alternative sport ?

Praise effort / commitment, not achievement / results

Let your child see that sometimes, you do your best but fail (my kids see this regularly, as I lose most of my spirts matches)

Get your child involved in voluntary work. Lots of research about how the volunteer gains as much as the person they are helping

Get a pet? Opportunities to be responsible, and pets don't judge or find you wanting

It's great that you are on his side. You sound fantastic. Good luck

Difficulty is that these are structural issues caused by the way the school operates not because of something wrong with your child that can be fixed by focusing on your child. They're having a normal reaction to being put in a shit situation by the school, it's not something intrinsically wrong with how the child thinks about themselves. You can't fix this unless the school changes how it treats them.

Just be careful you don't inadvertently give the message that the DC's poor self-esteem is another thing for them to feel they're not "good" at by putting the burden of managing the school's failings on you and your child.

The reason your child is aware that they are academically at the "bottom" of the class is because the school is putting your child in a situation where they are struggling in lessons while watching other children master tasks easily.

It is a normal human reaction to feel demoralised and frustrated in that scenario (adults on a work training would react the same way too).

That is a failing of the school that you can and should ask them to address. This is not asking for special favours. It is unlawful of the school to conduct itself like this.

No amount of extracurricular activities or verbal pats on the head from the teacher will fix the demoralising effect of spending five days a week in a classroom being left to struggle and feel stupid because the school is failing them.

Don't feel guilty for asking the school to provide the appropriate level of support and to stop inflicting avoidable psychological harm on your child. It is their legal duty.

If she loves guides, can you use that as your lead and look for activities along that line?

Are there any volunteer projects you can get involved in together, like a community garden or volunteering at something animal-related? A volunteer centre near you might have family volunteering suggestions.

@cornflakedreams

Difficulty is that these are structural issues caused by the way the school operates not because of something wrong with your child that can be fixed by focusing on your child. They're having a normal reaction to being put in a shit situation by the school, it's not something intrinsically wrong with how the child thinks about themselves. You can't fix this unless the school changes how it treats them.

Just be careful you don't inadvertently give the message that the DC's poor self-esteem is another thing for them to feel they're not "good" at by putting the burden of managing the school's failings on you and your child.

The reason your child is aware that they are academically at the "bottom" of the class is because the school is putting your child in a situation where they are struggling in lessons while watching other children master tasks easily.

It is a normal human reaction to feel demoralised and frustrated in that scenario (adults on a work training would react the same way too).

That is a failing of the school that you can and should ask them to address. This is not asking for special favours. It is unlawful of the school to conduct itself like this.

No amount of extracurricular activities or verbal pats on the head from the teacher will fix the demoralising effect of spending five days a week in a classroom being left to struggle and feel stupid because the school is failing them.

Don't feel guilty for asking the school to provide the appropriate level of support and to stop inflicting avoidable psychological harm on your child. It is their legal duty.

@cornflakedreams School don't do it "delibrately" as you put it, its just they put all the children who need support into one group so the teacher goes to them first etc. The children change for literacy and numeracy it's just that DC needs help with both so is in that group for both - school already do small group work in class with that group, DC also gets 101 speech therapy (provided by school), 1-1 reading help, 1-1 spelling help, and a lunchtime club to do with maths once a week all group work is done outside of the classroom so no-one else knows where DC is with that. It's just that DC knows they're on the "bottom" table they've never been told, but the teacher said it's around this age they work it out for themselves.

I totally feel your pain as I had a similar situation with my eldest. One thing that stands out is you tried a lot of gymnastic classes. Hard as it is perhaps after a few it would have been best to realise it wasn’t your daughters strength.
It is not an immediate help but my DS learnt to keep trying and cope with knock backs which has been a great life skill. But I remember then pain of him never feeling the best.

@Caravanheaven22

I totally feel your pain as I had a similar situation with my eldest. One thing that stands out is you tried a lot of gymnastic classes. Hard as it is perhaps after a few it would have been best to realise it wasn’t your daughters strength. It is not an immediate help but my DS learnt to keep trying and cope with knock backs which has been a great life skill. But I remember then pain of him never feeling the best.

@Caravanheaven22 I told her that she could keep going to the school ones, she kept wanting to try different groups and I thought a trial wouldn't hurt. I have told her it will be stopping and she's upset because she does really enjoy it.

I want to find something she loves just as much I think.

My DD2 suffered from this.
Maybe look at your local wildlife trust as they run activities for children which are non competitive (and inexpensive).

@DownOnThemself see if you have a local enough Cheer leading club, tumble like gymnastics, team sport so cheaper than gymnastics, many do recreational classes as well as competitive ones. The teams are at different levels so it's a "fair" playing field.

Feel free to ask if you need help tracking one down or are confused between pom pom dance and "all-star" cheer.

I didn’t mean to be critical. It is always so hard to know what to do. I hope you find a hobby that she likes as much as guides. There are lots of opportunities in guiding as she gets older