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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think social media is toxic in that it stops people ever moving on ?

24 replies

chattycaterpillar · 02/04/2022 09:26

I was just talking to my Mum about this. She said that 20/25 years ago, when you broke up with someone, that was it. Unless you were still obviously connected, ( e.g. colleagues, neighbours), you had to make an active effort to find out what was going on in someone's life.
I now have so many friends, who often get upset when they tell me they can see their ex has moved on, ( and I've been just as guilty of this in the past, so am not judging), as they have the opportunity within a few clicks to check their ex's SM, ( often years after the break up), and can see and get upset by pictures of him with a new girlfriend, having holidays, babies, moving in with new girlfriend when he didn't want to with them. People can now obsess over the life of their ex's new girlfriend, taking screenshots of profile pics etc.

Likewise, it seems to stop people ever, ever being able to reinvent themselves or move on from their past. Old photos keep recirculating. An example was when I was at uni, three girls from the same school attended. Call them Olivia, Anna and Louise. Olivia had been part of the "nerd," group at school, but seemed to really flourish at uni. Anna and Louise were perhaps a little bitter about this, and would show everyone who would listen "old,," FB pictures of Olivia looking nerdy before she kind of reinvented herself, ( braces, glasses, old fashioned clothes etc).

Am I right i coming to the opinion that social media, ( e.g. Facebook, Instagram, twitter), is toxic as it never lets people move on with their lives.

OP posts:
chattycaterpillar · 02/04/2022 09:32

As another example, so many people who have deleted SM seem more relaxed.

OP posts:
balalake · 02/04/2022 09:37

Valid point OP, especially on childhood photos which should be your family and your choice as to who sees them.

Though some people who wish their past could be forgotten have done or said things that perhaps you might want to know about, to enable you to form your own judgment. Those who have made racist comments in the past, for example.

Hiddenvoice · 02/04/2022 09:38

I completely agree!
I’ve been guilty in the past to have a look at an exes sm and it just made me feel rubbish. My fault completely but it’s there and it’s just so tempting.
Before, it was easier to cut off contact with others but now it feels like so much is shared online.
A friend of mine who is pregnant was at the shops with uni friends spotted her and got annoyed that they didn’t know she was pregnant simply because she chose not to post it online!
It’s nice to share updates but feels like everything needs to be shared online now!

chattycaterpillar · 02/04/2022 09:41

Exactly, I'm pregnant, ( currently 15 weeks). Whilst my ( actual) friends and family know, I'm being constantly asked when I'm going to make an online announcement. I'm still pretty paranoid about something going wrong, ( 1st pregnancy), and think how awful it would be to make an online announcement at say 12 weeks, experience a miscarriage at say 16 weeks, and then bee bumping into ex colleagues etc. in town at 20 weeks who'd be asking about the baby.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/04/2022 09:42

Block people you don't want to see.
Report photos of you you don't like.

SM only has control if you let it.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 02/04/2022 09:45

I think you're giving far too much weight to what people think re announcing your pregnancy. Maybe they just want to know so they know when it's OK to mention it to others

chattycaterpillar · 02/04/2022 09:46

@Hiddenvoice

I completely agree! I’ve been guilty in the past to have a look at an exes sm and it just made me feel rubbish. My fault completely but it’s there and it’s just so tempting. Before, it was easier to cut off contact with others but now it feels like so much is shared online. A friend of mine who is pregnant was at the shops with uni friends spotted her and got annoyed that they didn’t know she was pregnant simply because she chose not to post it online! It’s nice to share updates but feels like everything needs to be shared online now!
I think, the temptation to "check in" with what incredibly toxic ex's , friends, family members, colleagues etc are doing with their lives and make comparisons is what is making this generation so unhappy.
OP posts:
chattycaterpillar · 02/04/2022 09:54

Also, it's how easy it is for people to be contacted by ex's etc when they really rather would prefer no contact.

OP posts:
Itloggedmeoutagain · 02/04/2022 10:13

@chattycaterpillar

Also, it's how easy it is for people to be contacted by ex's etc when they really rather would prefer no contact.
Simply block them
chattycaterpillar · 02/04/2022 10:15

E.g, I got a FB message from a boyfriend from years ago, who'd behaved disgustingly to me , ( sent texts about our sex life to him mum, sister and brother), and although we weren't FB friends, he was able to message me via FB a few months ago to "apologise," ( the apology was just detailing everything that happened again, and made me feel awful) . If SM didn't exist, he wouldn't be able to initiate contact like tht, ( I was now living 200 miles away).

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/04/2022 10:16

@chattycaterpillar

E.g, I got a FB message from a boyfriend from years ago, who'd behaved disgustingly to me , ( sent texts about our sex life to him mum, sister and brother), and although we weren't FB friends, he was able to message me via FB a few months ago to "apologise," ( the apology was just detailing everything that happened again, and made me feel awful) . If SM didn't exist, he wouldn't be able to initiate contact like tht, ( I was now living 200 miles away).
If you change your privacy settings he can't do that either.
Thirkettle · 02/04/2022 10:17

Obsessing about exes is mental. I never gave mine a second thought! Bit stalkery to keep gawping at their pictures.

Nubnamechange · 02/04/2022 10:18

Pictures of dead people and funerals on Facebook get me.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 02/04/2022 10:35

@chattycaterpillar

E.g, I got a FB message from a boyfriend from years ago, who'd behaved disgustingly to me , ( sent texts about our sex life to him mum, sister and brother), and although we weren't FB friends, he was able to message me via FB a few months ago to "apologise," ( the apology was just detailing everything that happened again, and made me feel awful) . If SM didn't exist, he wouldn't be able to initiate contact like tht, ( I was now living 200 miles away).
Change your settings
WomanStanleyWoman · 02/04/2022 10:40

SM only has control if you let it.

Exactly. If the only way someone can stop themselves from looking up their exes or old enemies is to get rid of all their social media accounts, then that’s their call - but it’s their behaviour that’s the problem; not the fact that social media exists.

E.g, I got a FB message from a boyfriend from years ago, who'd behaved disgustingly to me , ( sent texts about our sex life to him mum, sister and brother), and although we weren't FB friends, he was able to message me via FB a few months ago to "apologise," ( the apology was just detailing everything that happened again, and made me feel awful) . If SM didn't exist, he wouldn't be able to initiate contact like tht, ( I was now living 200 miles away).

If there was no social media he could email, or send long rambling texts… a few years ago it wasn’t that easy to block numbers unless you could prove you were being harassed. In the days when landlines were dominant, your only option was to screen calls. Now you can press a couple of buttons and you can’t be contacted by anyone you don’t want getting in touch.

Social media might have made it easier to get in touch with old ‘friends’, but it’s also made it easier to cut these people out.

Whatwouldscullydo · 02/04/2022 10:43

I think it also creates extreme neediness in people. Instead of going out amd doing stuff or seeing friends they are hung up on seeking likes.

Entire groups of friends out fir an evening and instead of talking to eachother they are photographing their food and drink and " checking in"

I swear people are losing the ability to hold a conversation. Why say a sentence when you can get your point across in 4 letters.

ManateeFair · 02/04/2022 19:10

@chattycaterpillar

E.g, I got a FB message from a boyfriend from years ago, who'd behaved disgustingly to me , ( sent texts about our sex life to him mum, sister and brother), and although we weren't FB friends, he was able to message me via FB a few months ago to "apologise," ( the apology was just detailing everything that happened again, and made me feel awful) . If SM didn't exist, he wouldn't be able to initiate contact like tht, ( I was now living 200 miles away).
Long before the existence of social media, an ex who had practically destroyed me got in touch with me by letter, via my previous address, and my friend’s dreadful ex called her parents to try and get in touch with her, so honestly this kind of thing has always happened.
SylviasMotherSaid · 02/04/2022 19:26

I realised about five years ago many of the people I had on Facebook were colleagues from 10 years ago ,people who I had been to a party with , people who might have worked with my DH and added me and I had zero interest in their lives and I am sure they had zero interest in mine . I now follow only about 20 people out of my small friends list on it and tend to use it just to keep up with local news and hobby related things . There is just no need to stay in people you have a superficial relationship with

chattycaterpillar · 03/04/2022 09:18

I'd also say the trend of SM stalking is generally damaging. Knowing people will look you up on SM and make judgements about you before they meet you based on the photos you post.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 03/04/2022 09:41

The answer to every single one of your issues is to change your privacy settings.

Or delete social media.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 03/04/2022 10:00

@chattycaterpillar

I'd also say the trend of SM stalking is generally damaging. Knowing people will look you up on SM and make judgements about you before they meet you based on the photos you post.
This is your own issue not SM. What makes you feel anyone is judging you? If someone wants to look me up and judge me then I couldn't give a toss. Their opinion of me is no concern if mine. Given how you feel it's so damaging you'd be better off deleting it altogether. At least tighten up your settings. Change your name to something only your family will know. Use a neutral picture of a garden or something. Set your profile so no one can look you up. The facility is there for you to use
Nothappyatwork · 03/04/2022 10:03

I think you definitely do need to go clear out every 2 to 3 years to stop some pillock you worked with or went to uni with or something popping up out of the woodwork.

ldontWanna · 03/04/2022 10:07

Social media is a tool. It doesn't do anything,it doesn't think for itself, it doesn't create anything, it doesn't make people do anything.

People will use it for entertainment,good,bad and anything in between. Just like a knife. Or a lighter. Or a landline. The issue is with the user, and since it's available to all you'll "encounter " all kinds or people and situations.

As a user, you are also responsible for and have control over who is on your friends list,most of the content you see, your privacy settings , what you do on it ,what you use it for etc.

NoNoKimono · 14/12/2022 16:59

Yes! I grew up in London, and the city is so big that you could just tell yourself that your ex had (sadly) died.
SM, if you are not careful with it, is like a very claustrophobic village.

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