DP Works away and I do everything else for my boys

[katrinao]

I feel like I'm being unreasonable, or I'm being made to feel that way. I'm hoping for some neutral assessment of my situation.

I have a DS1, amazing young man, university graduate.
I had my DS2 5 years ago. At this time my DP earned more than I did. He made a large deposit towards a house for us all. However he worked abroad (consulting mainly) and I returned to work when my DS2 was 6 months (using private nursery, we have no family help) so my DP could be at home more and he worked abroad 3-4months at a time before coming home.

My DS3 was born just before covid and I went back to work really early as my DP consulted abroad and he couldn't do his job due to covid restrictions.
I paid all the bills during covid, my DP had no work, until September 2021 when he got a job with a UK company. It doesn't pay as well and I earn roughly 20 thousand more annually. I have a stressful management post that I took during covid to increase our household income.

My DPs company is now requiring him to work away all week. Covering most of the UK. It means he leaves around 7am on a Monday morning and returns 6pm Friday night. I am left to do everything while working full time and I am exhausted.

He had just told me that this is going to be an ongoing thing and I just have to put up with it if I "want the money" however I earn more than he does and I seem to just have to deal with this. I'm really unhappy, I don't want to work all the time and leave my boys but I've little option and I have no help during the week while he is away.
AIBU for wanting a bit more support

Thank you for reading this far xx

Buy in as much help as possible.

Cleaner- also ironing, laundry etc.
Gardner.

Do you have room for an au pair? Funds for a regular babysitter or nanny? Do you know an a/level or uni student who might do a few school runs and generally help out?

Does your ds1 live with you or nearby? Could he help out?

Have you spoken to work? Can you do condensed hours, wfh for a portion of the week?

Start with a cleaner. Honestly coming home to a clean house is one of the best things ever. You can deal with the kids, cook your own dinner and not have to worry about anything other than clearing up.

You call him DP, but what you describe doesn't seem much of a partnership.

When he's home does he REALLY pitch in with all the housework, odd jobs around the house plus spending quality time with the kids so you can get some downtime?

Does he use his child free evenings to organise the things he can do remotely, such as presents for the kids/family members, filling in school forms, organising the outfits for dress up days, paying the bills, sorting date nights (including childcare) for the two of you, or does he leave that all to you?

Does he zoom call the kids in the evening and play games with them to entertain them while you crack on with getting the dinner ready etc or does he leave that to you?

Sometimes working away can be a necessary evil, but in this case it seems like it could be a way for him to opt out of all the difficult and tiring bits of family life and just assume you'll pick up the slack; is that how it feels?

My husband work away sometime and I find it so knackering that I would actually struggle to cope (I have health conditions as well). It pisses me off that his view is its work so he has no choice but he doesnt ask me if the dates he is away are ok, he tells me he is away and it does my head in each time that he doesnt acknowledge that it's more work for me and he should check first.
Anyway sorry thats probably not relevant. Has he acknowledged that his job is making your life much harder? Is there more chance of finding one closer to home? If he used to do consulting abroad, what was your plan for how you would cope originally? Could you afford a nanny or aunt pair so you have an extra pa9r of hands?

The only point of putting up with that much working away is brilliant money but you earn more AND do everything in the week. I’m not surprised you are ticked off. Sounds pretty crap to me - DP needs to start job hunting again, what’s the point otherwise?

You complain that you had to pay all the bills through COVID because he wasnt working, now you dont like that he's working away. He probably didnt like being unemployed either and is scared of it happening again.

If what you want is for him to have a normal 9-5 job and come home every evening then that's something that you could maybe both work towards, if he's in the type of industry where that is possible. Would you be happy for him to earn less money in order for him to be home more, or would you resent that? Would he?

In the meantime, can you buy in support with cooking/cleaning/laundry?

Your dp working remotely doesnt mean he cant pick up some of the general life admin but it wi make it harder to coordinate who does what.