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Original poster

To ask, have you ever had an embarrassing smear test? (lighthearted)

18 replies

Margot78 · 01/04/2022 22:26

Obviously smear tests are essential and we are grateful to have them but I had my first rubbish one today in 20 plus years and I need some solidarity.

Today the nurse who had the honour of doing mine completely confused me. It didn’t help that she had a foreign accent and a face mask making her quite tricky to understand. Sounded like she kept barking at me to make two fists. I thought she couldn’t possibly be wanting a fight, I hadn’t had a chance to annoy her that much! Turns out she did in fact want me to do this, and then put my fists under my bottom to elevate it. I can’t tell you how much angry gesticulating and manoeuvring it took to get me to follow this. What ever happened to using cushions?!!

After the debacle was over I hurriedly slipped my jeans on and batted my way out of the curtain only to be met with her pointing and laughter as I realised my jeans were on back to front. Never in my life have I done that, today I did. I have never felt like such a bloody numpty in my life.

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 01/04/2022 22:28

Jesus. Sounds stressful! How bloody rude and unprofessional of her to laugh at you, too. Angry

At least it’s done. Hope you’re having a relaxing evening to recover!

StarMouse879 · 01/04/2022 22:29

Well ... there was the time that I realised mid-smear that the reason the nurse looked vaguely familiar was that she is also a local Councillor.

And I work for the Council.

And rather than do the decent thing and pretend she didn't recognise me, she took the opportunity to have a quick chat about my area of work, which frankly wasn't really uppermost in my mind at that particular moment!

JackieWeaversLaptop · 01/04/2022 22:35

I had an embarrassing one Blush The speculum broke inside me (was all fine but very embarrassing!) Neither the nurse or me were sure how that happened!

I really, really hate smear tests :( I know they could potentially save someone’s life, and I’m grateful for this, but ughhh.

spiderlight · 01/04/2022 22:38

My very first smear. I was very young - maybe 21 at most. For some reason it was done by a male doctor with a female nurse shining a torch for him. Both of them went to chapel with my parents and wanted to have a big old chat about how they were. I just wanted to curl up and die.

Still, my friend had it worse. The speculum somehow jammed open inside her and the nurse couldn't get it out, and the more she tried, the more things tensed up. It took about ten minutes to remove it, apparently!

Bunty55 · 01/04/2022 22:47

I went for my smear test with my family doctor and when I got there he said he had a student with him that day and would I mind if the student was present when he did the deed and I had no objection.

I was on the table with my legs apart and he introduced the student to me and then he said to the student "this is Mrs XXXXXX she has agreed to let you watch.. she doesn't mind - we are old friends" !

KitKattaktik · 01/04/2022 22:48

Worst one was when I went to the GP with my ex for his asthma problem (I had to be there to explain what had happened when he had passed out) and he looked me up on the system and saw my smear was due and said "I'll do it now as you're here and I got on the couch and had the smear done in front of my husband!!

Looking back I'm amazed at how compliant I was in my 20s!! Not now!!!

DramaAlpaca · 01/04/2022 22:57

It's normal to do the two fists thing, it helps if you have a retroverted uterus.

Not embarrassing, but I had a funny experience last time.

The nurse and I were chatting away as I got ready, then she realised she'd got the wrong size speculum. So she dug a box of them out from under the examination table, accidentally hit the box off the edge of the table and dropped it, sending loads of speculums in their plastic wrappers up in the air and everywhere.

The two of us just fell about laughing, which at least meant I was nice and relaxed when it came to doing the smear Grin

housemaus · 01/04/2022 23:03

Probably my last one - I started taking everything off ASAP when she said it was time to get on the bed without waiting for her to put the little curtain round etc.

She looked quite taken aback haha, I couldn't be bothered with the faffing and pretence of privacy when she was about to swab my cervix, but maybe I should have said "No need to bother with the formalties" rather than just whipping my pants off...

thinking123 · 01/04/2022 23:04

Oh come on! Jeans back
To front.

frankie001 · 01/04/2022 23:07

I’ve been told I had very strong vaginal muscles. (Thank you, unknown life skill!)
I’ve also had the speculum snap shut while inside. Now that really hurt!

GinIronic · 01/04/2022 23:08

Hilarious.

Madbadandusuallysad · 01/04/2022 23:14

After much trying the speculum device snapped. The nurse tutted at me and said its because you are a large lady and your cervix is troublesome. I was like gee, thanks.

TibetanTerrah · 01/04/2022 23:15

I've had two. First she told me to undress below my waist and lay on the bed. The end of the bed was against the wall. For some insane reason I decided to lie on the bed the wrong way round, so my fanny was facing the wall. The look she gave me when she came back was Hmm with a "how am I supposed to examine you?"

So, in my wisdom, abandoning my modesty sheet completely, I lifted my legs and swung round to the correct position on my arse, legs akimbo. Still no idea why I did it.

Another time I had to have the procedure where they burn the dodgy cells. A couple of nights before I'd been on a night out, slipped and landed awkwardly, leaving a boot print shaped black bruise the whole length of my inner thigh.

As luck would have it, my doctor came in with a troupe of med students, asking if it was ok if they observed. I said fine, and the gasp from all of them when I unveiled my bruise. Honestly they were more interested in that and how I got it than the camera up my fanny.

beckyCarlos · 01/04/2022 23:16

At my last one, the nurse hadnt locked the door (to the tiny cupboard like room, no curtain, just the bed, a chair, and room for her to stand and swab)... juat as the speculum is clicked open inside me someone comes barrelling in and the nurse lunged to slam it shut 🙈 laughing with a speculum inside is weird!

The poor nurse was mortified (I know this is some peoples worst nigthmare but I'm very chill, I've also almost stripped in front of a nurse before theyve left the room 🙈, like pp said, theyre seeing inside me eventually!

Whetheryouthinkyoucan · 01/04/2022 23:19

I had a smear at the height of covid…. The nurse was decked up like an Ebola nurse from MSF. I looked at her and asked how far up she was planning to go with those full length gloves, and we both just laughed and laughed. Nervous tension re covid I think!

MrOllivander · 02/04/2022 00:16

Forgot about the vast amount of bruising on my legs from aerial hoop and pole fitness
She was incredibly concerned it was DV related, and I'm not sure I convinced her totally by showing photos of aerial hoop Blush

SpikyJugs · 02/04/2022 00:36

My first ever smear test - I was 16 (wanted to be all brave and responsible). Elderly doctor at the family planning clinic asked if I minded if a student observed. So I lay there with an angle poise lamp pointed at my bits, student watching. I felt very grown up. On the way out the other old lady who ran the reception said "would you like some sheaths dear?" and gave me a bag full of condoms.

SpikyJugs · 02/04/2022 00:37

Later on ... smear test done by the nurse who happened to be my boyfriend's sister. That was weird.

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