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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be anxious about MIL driving

23 replies

amispeakingintongues · 01/04/2022 18:22

In a nutshell, I have an interview on Monday and MIL will only have my DS at her house, instead of just looking after him at my place (she knows this is my preference). This means her doing pick up from mine and most likely drop off too.

Background - I don't drive. DS is only 9 months old. I'm SUPER anxious about terrible dangerous driving where I live after witnessing multiple accidents by boy racers etc so its not MIL driving its other people's I worry about. I'm only comfortable if i'm with him in the car too.

She has looked after him at mine several times which I'm comfortable with because it means he doesn't need to travel in her car without me. But she's becoming stubborn on the issue and she's my only childcare (my mum lives in LDN) so i'm feeling pressured and pigeonholed into this which is making my anxiety worse.

Need advice and opinions please. Its majorly triggering. Basically I would never forgive myself if anything happened and I wasn't with him, especially since I'm already uncomfortable about the idea. I could never forgive myself for not trusting my instincts but my partner thinks i'm BU.

OP posts:

RiojaRose · 01/04/2022 18:47

Have you spoken to your GP about your anxiety? Maybe they can help.

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable but it’s probably because of your anxiety. However, I also wonder whether part of the issue is your relationship with your MIL. Do you get on well? Have you been having difficulties since your DS was born? I have the best ever MIL so I completely trusted her with my DC but it’s different if that trust isn’t there.

HaveANiceFuckingDay · 01/04/2022 19:00

To be fair I think you're being unreasonable. I look after my grandson and would prefer it be at my house , their house isnt my house and if I'm providing the childcare I want to so it at a place I feel more comfortable in ..this wouldnt be at his residence. I think you need to see a G.P about your anxiety

Totalwasteofpaper · 01/04/2022 19:10

Yeah yabu

That level of anxiety isn't normal.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 01/04/2022 19:14

My exmil was never allowed to drive with any of my dc... She never drove out of second gear..
Neither was fil. .. Mil wore her specs to help him with his driving - her words..
In your shoes find a babysitter that looks after dc on your terms. It isn't a favour to be thankful for if it stresses you out.

AllOfUsAreDead · 01/04/2022 19:19

In all fairness, what exactly are you going to do in the event of an accident that she couldn't do?

I think you need to speak to someone about your anxiety. It's a bit extreme.

User7312019 · 01/04/2022 19:21

YABU - pay for actual childcare if you want to demand it your way. Also why is a crash less likely if you are present? Go to the GP for your anxiety it’s not a healthy response

Barneysma2 · 01/04/2022 19:22

What difference would it make if you were in the car anyway if something bad happened? If youre that concerned learn to drive yourself.

Pootles34 · 01/04/2022 19:23

I'm not going to say yabu because this is clearly your anxiety, but it is perfectly reasonable for your ds to go in a car with Mil.
Have you spoken to your gp about this?

HellToTheNope · 01/04/2022 19:24

You're being totally unreasonable. Learn to drive or find different childcare.

gamerchick · 01/04/2022 19:26

You'll have to pay for childcare in that case OP. You need to get a handle on this anxiety. You are definitely U.

FloralsForSpring · 01/04/2022 19:27

I felt exactly the same about my own mother. But after a couple of times the anxiety lessened gradually each time. It's hard enough being apart when you aren't used to it.

MartinMartinMarti · 01/04/2022 19:27

I assumed from your title that she was a bad driver and was ready to answer YANBU.

But you actually are. You either need to get over this (perhaps with help), or be open about the fact that you don’t ever want to travel by car (or taxi or bus, presumably). Which would be an extremist limited life for you and your DC.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 01/04/2022 19:27

If there was an accident when MIL was driving but you were in the car how would it be different to you not being in the car? I agree that you need help for your anxiety. In the meantime you need to find a nursery to look after your child if you want childcare on your terms.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/04/2022 19:49

Is your MIL really such a bad driver? Does she have proper glasses if needed and have you witnessed her being careless. Yes other drivers can be careless but presumably she's driven in the area for years. Your baby will be safely in a car seat and you can show her how to put it in correctly. Does she seem in general like a careful person or have you witnessed reckless behaviour? You trust her to look after your DC so it seems if she is careful doing that, she is probably careful driving too.

I wouldn't let FIL drive my youngest because I had actually witnessed him pulling out without looking in the mirror more than once. I've since learned that the reason they splashed out on 3 cars in 5/6 years was because they'd had car accidents and needed replacing. I was pretty furious that this had been kept a big secret from us, but the SILs knew all about it. He has since gone on to develop memory problems etc and won't be driving again. But in this case I'd seen him in action and my doubts were well founded.

But if you haven't seen this and are just worrying about accident stats or newspaper reports then you need to calm down. Its not unusual to feel worried about your baby's safety and part of that might be separation anxiety.
What does your partner think about her driving?
One thing you could do is take some driving lessons yourself, this might really help you feel more relaxed in a car with your baby. Or get your DH to take you on the exact route that MIL would use if you can see him navigating it safely, it may help calm your fears.

Original poster

amispeakingintongues · 01/04/2022 19:50

Okay, I get the consensus that I am BU. He is (maybe obviously) my first and only.

I could arrange / would consider alt childcare- its just that MIL gets upset if she's not asked, so I feel like I need to appease her even though she's aware of my anxiety about driving.

Obviously if i was with him in a car and had an accident I couldn't do a thing. But i'd rather be with him than not.

And I am learning how to drive this year, not everyone who falls pregnant already has a driving licence.

OP posts:

Holly60 · 01/04/2022 20:49

Kindly, I think this is your anxiety talking. CBT might be a really good idea. Have you had a frank conversation with your MIL explaining that this is something you feel very anxious about at the moment, that you are going to seek support for anxiety so it won’t be a long term thing.

It may be that your DH and/or MIL think it may actually help your anxiety if they expose you to him going in the car and nothing bad happens. It’s actually a well known cbt technique - to actually put yourself in the situation you are anxious about and TEST your theories about what will happen.

So whilst it feels like you are being pushed to do something you don’t really want to do - in the long term it might do you good. Your MIL may be able to recognise this and is doing it out of love.

Also it’s probably important that you get it sorted before your son picks up your anxieties and thinks driving in the car is too dangerous to risk.

RubiesandRose · 02/04/2022 14:55

If you have no issues with your MIL's driving then you are BU. But as PP have said, seek help for your anxiety and catastrophising now before this extends to other situations beyond your control. Good luck!

Bdhntbis · 02/04/2022 15:11

I think you’re going to have to find a way to manage this anxiety; you can’t always be there and you’ll find yourself struggling to drive places when you do learn to drive.

Siameasy · 02/04/2022 15:24

Yabu but I was the same. It’s anxiety-get help from your GP as it will limit your life. Buy the best car seat you can afford. Your DC in a rear facing car seat is probably safer than the adults! Cars are safer than ever now too.

65honeybee · 02/04/2022 15:31

Agree with pp this level of anxiety is irrational and for your own sake, it would be helpful to take steps to deal with it

And obviously YABU to not let the child's grandparent drive with him, given that there's nothing wrong with her driving. Or if you really are only happy for the child to be cared for in your own home, then you'll need to pay for different childcare where you can dictate the terms. But honestly, I would try to deal with the fundamental issue. You can't be with your child 24/7, and once he's in school there'll be trips, plus no doubt being driven by other children's parents for parties and outings.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 02/04/2022 15:35

And I am learning how to drive this year, not everyone who falls pregnant already has a driving licence

It will be many years before you are as experienced and skilful at driving as your MIL, then. YABU.

konasana · 02/04/2022 15:36

YANBU - just get someone else to look after him in your own home. She won't know if no one tells her. The last thing you need at an interview is to be worried about your DC.

Re: she gets upset if she doesn't get to do the childcare - it's up to you who looks after your DC and it's not your responsibility to stop her getting upset. You are under no obligation to tell her when someone else looks after your DC.

Re: driving anxiety, YANBU to not want someone else to drive DC. It's ok to not let that happen. Your peace of mind is more important.

maggiecate · 02/04/2022 15:40

He’s probably much safer from the local boy racers in a secure car seat surrounded by crash protection with your MIL driving than he is in a pram with your MIL pushing him along the pavement. If you feel safe in the car with your MIL the issue isn’t the driving, it’s that you aren’t there, and that’s not sustainable - at some point he’s going to have to go in a car or do some other activity that worries you without you.

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