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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU regarding laundry?

16 replies

SummersBreeze · 01/04/2022 14:10

I live at home with my mom. Many people will probably judge me and think it's a free ride in this life but that's not the case. I help and I pay towards bills and help by doing groceries and other help too. My mom is aging and she is single too because my father ran from the scene when I was small so maybe I also provide some security in the home too in that she's not alone.

Anyways, every winter when the electricity bill comes in and it's usually higher because it's winter months, she doesn't look much beyond the price or the bill and she will automatically judge me as if I am the only one responsible for the high bill. The bill would often be hitting 300. She thinks I am responsible because I have a smartphone that needs charging every day and clearly it's me responsible for the high bill. Even though I am usually fairly energy concise. I work hard and I never get a chance to sit down in front of the TV. I am often happier sitting down with a book or my hobby (knitting/crochet) than I am sitting in front of a TV. So I am not draining energy with a TV on. Usually with laundry I do one 60 degree wash a month and that's usually socks and undies and then the rest is usually quick 20 minute, 30 degree loads.

Basically she judges me like a Catholic hoot for bills that she doesn't like even though she will never look at her energy consumption or even consider changing some of her energy ways.

My mom is at home every day. Even though it could be a bright day outside, she will still have lights on during the day. She has the TV on every day. She will do laundry loads at 60 degrees and then air dry followed by tumble dryer. She boils the kettle over and over for her tea. She will often fill the kettle the whole way for one cup of tea. Then if she's not in the kitchen when the kettle is finished boiling, she will turn the switch again and reboil the kettle even though the water would still be boiled. She will reboil the kettle 2 or 3 times.

Basically we are living in uncertain times with energy rises in the news every day. I think changes have to be made going forward or we will probably suffer next winter. Not just at home but all all around. For home I think, if you out on one hot wash I think it would be best to off set it with the next load being low and maybe work some sort of a system like that. I don't know. I do know changes will have to be made.

I think there's something senile happening with my mom and I don't think she can comprehend the news and energy rises. I can't force my mom to make changes on lowering her energy consumption and so she will probably continue to blame me for rising bills.

Anyways she went out this morning and I was free from work for the morning so I decided to get a load on in the washing machine. Household bed linen wash. Usually before all of this energy risesl stuff, I probably would have put a load like this on at 60 but I am concise and afraid of what's ahead so I dropped the temperature to 40. I added a capful of bleach in the hope the stuff comes out clean. I also did this wash to hopefully offset a wash that my mom will probably do at some stage at 60. My mom will always press extra functions in the machine too like prewash and extra rinse so any time she puts on a wash it goes on forever at 60 degrees. The wash I put on this morning was 55 minutes at 40.

AIBU to get a wash on and out on the line to dry to hopefully off set some loads that my mom will probably do at a high temperature at some point in the future.

Later tonight when I finish work and I get home and my mom is home she will probably quiz me about the laundry and ask me about what cycle I put it at. Do I tell her the truth and say I washed at 40 or will I lie and say I washed at 60? I don't know if she's OCD. She was never really OCD when I was younger but I don't know what's happening now. I think there's something happening where she wants to maintain as much control as possible even over the most smallest of things. She will often order me about and give me instructions not to start the dishwasher until it's full as an example and that's ok. Only when she starts the dishwasher, I often find she's like a kid with an essay in school where the words are spaced out as much as possible to get the required number of pages for the essay. I often find there's only a handful of dishes in the machine and it's all spaced out and in her mind that's full. I would be anxious that she may bundle the load that I washed this morning up and wash them again but this time probably at 60.

OP posts:
User7312019 · 01/04/2022 14:17

Just move out if it’s not working - which it clearly isn’t?

EmpressCixi · 01/04/2022 14:23

I’d tell her the truth about washing at 40 degrees.
I’d seriously think about moving out as she seems to be causing you far too much stress.

GrazingSheep · 01/04/2022 23:12

What is a Catholic hoot??

onepieceoflollipop · 01/04/2022 23:15

This all sounds very tedious and stressful - for you and possibly for her as well. Maybe time to move out?

billy1966 · 01/04/2022 23:18

I think you need to move out.
This is no longer working and you need to live your life.
Look for a room somewhere.
It will be better for you and your relationship with hour mum.

phishy · 01/04/2022 23:18

Omg it sounds so miserable.

Have you tried telling your mum that she is responsible for the vast amount of ever gay used?

I won’t tell you to move out because I know it’s not that easy. But I also moved out of my mum’s home in my early 30s, and even though she never behaved like yours (she has a thing for minimalist spaces though) I would never willingly move in with her again.

The feeling of freedom is intense.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 01/04/2022 23:24

I agree with others OP it really sounds like it's time to move out and run your own home where you and you alone will be responsible for your energy use. That way your Mum will see that it's actually her using all the energy on heating all day, hot washes etc. A lot of stuff doesn't even need to be washed at such a hot temperature these days, as soaps are formulated to be just as effective at 30 degrees.

I note that you don't mention your age or that of your mother, but if in all likelihood she has a lot of years left on this earth, in your shoes I would be asking myself if I really want to continue to live this sort of life, as it sounds to me like you've done more than your share of being there for your Mum and it's time for you both to live your lives independently of the other.

707smile · 01/04/2022 23:25

I think you should just stand your ground. You're clearly not using too much so you don't need to change your behaviour.

If she brings it up again say that you have calculated each of your costs (including her 60 degree washes, use of kettle and TV) and know that she uses more than you do. In your position I would probably tell her that I was considering moving out if she really thinks my/your energy use is such a problem.

Just a note people aren't OCD, any more than they are diabetes, cancer or asthma, it's a disabling mental health condition. It's possible that your Mum has some germ related fears (possibly contamination related OCD) if she is washing loads at 60 degrees a lot.

Bunty55 · 01/04/2022 23:30

Or perhaps write a list down of all the ways electricity is used by both of you and how much it costs so she can see what her consumption is.. i.e x amount of cups of tea a day + £££

For what it is worth I never wash at 60 degrees. I am not even sure if my washer has a 60 degree wash. It is not necessary these days especially with the super wash powders/tablets you can buy now.

Totalwasteofpaper · 02/04/2022 09:09

The answer is to move out.

For your own sanity... I couldn't live like this

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 02/04/2022 09:50

judges me like a Catholic hoot

Excuse me?

JaniceBattersby · 02/04/2022 09:59

It sounds like you’ve both got into a weirdly obsessive cycle re energy usage. It’s time to move out.

Also, Catholic hoot? Not cool.

LunaLights · 02/04/2022 10:09

What is a Catholic hoot?

And you are not concise.

NoSquirrels · 02/04/2022 10:17

To be honest, I don’t think you understand what you think you understand about washing cycles and energy efficiency. Look at your machine’s manual before you get all excited about 20-minute washes. They’re usually the worst for using energy.

Anyway. Is living with your mum worth the stress you clearly feel over dishwashers and washing? If so, stay and accept you don’t have control as you’re effectively a lodger. If not, move out and be in control of your own costs.

I think there's something senile happening with my mom and I don't think she can comprehend the news and energy rises.

Rude. Ageist, probably.

I often find she's like a kid with an essay in school where the words are spaced out as much as possible to get the required number of pages for the essay. I often find there's only a handful of dishes in the machine and it's all spaced out and in her mind that's full.

Pfft.

NannyR · 02/04/2022 10:17

Sounds very stressful, if you could afford it I would move out.
Incidentally, longer eco cycles are much more energy efficient than short, 30 minute cycles. I wash everything on 30° washed and it all comes out clean, I'm not dealing with kids muddy, food stained clothes though, just normal, everyday wear.

Valeriekat · 03/04/2022 15:17

@JaniceBattersby

It sounds like you’ve both got into a weirdly obsessive cycle re energy usage. It’s time to move out.

Also, Catholic hoot? Not cool.

It is very cool! but I want to know what it means.
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